For the Days When You Want to Give Your Kid Away

If you are a parent you have had those days when you want to put your kid on the curb with a sign that says "FREE!".
Last week I noticed it was one of those days. For weeks actually, I have been getting mad at Bronson when he pouts whines, screams, resists, says no to everything and baby talks. I have been resenting him, resisting him, making him wrong and telling him to stop or go away. I get angry with myself and snap at my other sons and husband. Sometimes, "for sanity's sake", I avoid him and let him watch for TV an unknown amount of hours just to keep him occupied and me from blowing a gasket.
But this is definitely bordering on "Bad Mom" tactics. I end up making myself wrong for really not liking him. I am surviving my son, and myself as a mother.
As a result, I have a sullen, upset, defiant, stubborn and argumentative 4 year old who does not feel understood at all. I have frustration, anger, resentment, exasperation, and guilt. The ugly truth, the one that has me toss and turn at night, is that I have relationship with my son and family that I am not proud of.
And how I occur to myself about this (meaning it's not all his fault...I have something to do with this too), if tell the truth on myself, is that I am being overwhelmed and resigned that it could be any other way. This just is the way it is at 4! I give up! This is so dis-empowering and totally not what I am committed to!

When I looked at what was missing, like what could I put in that would really make a difference, I saw that me being peaceful, curious, and creative would really be inspiring.
And if I were being peaceful , curious and creative, wow…that would make a lot of joy available, connection and fun!

So I created the possibility of being Curious and Fun…like Curious George!
And what happened was: Bronson and I are sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast and once again he doesn’t wanna to eat. He is pouting, frowning, hunched over and looks like he is trying to melt his oatmeal with a laser stare.
Normally I would sigh, get frustrated or even angry and just tell him to EAT! He would complain. I would tell him to stop complaining, he would cry out or holler or even scream. Many meals time result in tears. Eventually he might eat ONE spoonful, I would give up and he would be eating a snack half an hour later. Groan...I know... totally doesn't work!
But this time I came from being curious and fun, Curious George! I saw him pouting and I asked him if he would like his oatmeal with some "really radical raisins" he said “ ba ba” with a ferocious frown.
Instead of getting mad about the baby talk, I just asked “ Bronson would you like to be small again like a baby?”
He said, “Yes I just want to be small and crawl under the table.” Still pouting.

Something shifted inside me and opened up. I was able to just be with him.I got that. I would like to be small and crawl under the table sometimes too! A lot of times in fact.
So I said “ I totally understand that Bronson, you would like to be small and go under the table... I really get that. You know what? Me too! “ He looked at me skeptically.
“Would you like to do that now? Let’s get under the table!”

So I crawl under the table and when he saw I was serious, he drooped down off the chair and joined me with that scrunched up face that is trying to be mad but can’t help a little bit of a puckered up smile…
And we curl up together under the table. We marvel under there, it is a whole new world and talk about painting like the Cistine Chapel…and I grab his Spiderman slipper heads and make them talk to each other. Suddenly he is giggling and I am laughing and when our exchange student came in she asks, “What are you doing under there?" And Bronson says “Having fun!”. I feel like a hot fudge sundae and his little voice is like sprinkles on top. I see in my bright and shiny four year old's face that that is all he ever wants, is fun and attention.
That moment at breakfast instead of being frustrating and forgettable, became wonderful and memorable.
And that would never have been possible if I hadn’t chosen being inspired and invented a new possibility of being Curious George. There is a shift we all have the opportunity to make when we realize we might be coming from an "Authoritorian" style of parenting and choose and "Inspired" parenting style instead. We don't have to, and sometimes it is not appropriate (when a child is about to walk into traffic a big loud NO! is effective) but there is that choice in our everyday life, and we really do "have the time", because it is our time, and our life and we get to say what is important.

After I began to get a little cramped under the table we got up and he sat back down, and Bronson promptly ate his oatmeal all up. No struggle. He just needed the space to be who he wanted to be and be gotten.
I love my Bronson, he is definitely a keeper!

I wish everyone many moments of being inspired by your kids!
Zen Honeycutt

A Future of Being Buzz

I showed my 4 year old the above picture of the new astronaut suits. His eyes open wide and he stopped breathing. When he finally did, he gushed, "I want to be an astronaut! Because then I could be Buzz Light Year!"

I think NASA might be purposely recruiting the next generation of astronauts. That is some pretty clever long term planning. I guess they don't get to be astronauts for nothing!

A hour or so later Bronson came up to me with his brothers.
"Mom ask me a math question," he said in his cute little voice.
"Okay, what's 2+2?"
Bronson already knew that one so he asked me to ask him another one.
"okay what's 2+4?" I asked.
Bronson raised two fingers on one hand and four fingers on the other and then touched each finger to his nose as he counted in whispers to himself.
"6!" he said with a beaming face,
He asked me to ask him more, and one after another, 5+1, 3+3, 4+3 etc...he go them all right.

"WOW!" I said "You are very smart!" I was really quite stunned that my just turned four year old was adding.
"Yeah" Bronson said, none too humbly, "I am going to be an astronaut and Ben said astronauts are good at math."
"Yeah so we taught him math!" my 7 year old Bodee chimed in.
Ben patted Bronson on the back and said "You are the smartest 4 year old ever, Bronson."

I realized what had happened was that Bronson created a future for himself, one that EXCITED him, one that he looked forward to living into, and when he found out part of that future was learning math, he just did it.
It wasn't hard, it wasn't tedious, it was fun.

So I look today, where ever I am resisting life, where ever I think something is hard, what does the future look liek to me in that area? Most likely, it's not an exciting one. But it could be....if I just think, hold my breath and then burst out the declaration for my new future!

Here's to being inspired by our kids to create future that excite us!
Go Buzz Light Year! To Infinity and BEYOND!

Zen Honeycutt

Favorite Moment

Sometimes I think God is speaking through my eight year old son Ben.

Like when he said " Mom, did you know that the beach is where angels go to have their birthday party?"

or
" Mom did you know that people get recycled when they die and come back as other people but they don't know it?"

or the other day when we asked him what his favorite part of the day was, he said simply..
" Right now is my favorite. Because you know when you pick right now as the favorite and feel happy, more happy things come, then your favorite is right now all over again."

I am not kidding.
He got what the entire movie "The Secret" is about. He got what hundreds of philosophers and spiritual teachers preach and yearn for us to get.
We looked into his eyes with love and awe and agreed that our favorite moment is right now, right here, with him and our whole family.

Life is moment to moment. Some of us have less moments than others. As a dear family member passes, I am reminded to be present, that right here right now, if I muster up or open up, or generate those good feelings, more good happy feeling will come, more good happy things, words, events and relationships will come.
It's only me and my fear of unhappy things that calls more unhappy things to me. I have the power to transform my life by choosing right now.
Even when unhappy things randomly happen, accidents, death, things beyond my control (oh yes, I am constantly giving up that I can't control everything or everyone)
if I chose right now anyway, exactly as it is, and know that this moment is exactly perfect, I can then create a happy good feeling moment and be inspired by the world again.
Thank You Ben.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Courageous and Creative

Today I invented the possibility with my accountability partners (yes I have two...it takes two to keep me in line:) of being Courageous and Creative.
That is my theme for this year.
No more business as usual.

That means some thing are changing. I am completing things that aren't working. I am giving up things I once loved to create a new future. I am purging my home of the unnecessary and unused. I am catching myself when I speak the usual broken record words or sounding like my parents in their frustrated moments. Not always, but an astonishing amount of miracles are emerging where I would least expect them.
Simple miracles in simple moments, that become the most meaningful.

Today, after school, I picked up my eldest son at the second pick up for the day, the sixth errand perhaps, and because I told my accountability partner that I would, and because I knew I could, I asked my children what they wanted to do.
"What would we do if we were being courageous and creative?"

Now normally, my son would get in the car, they might bicker a bit, talking over each other, vying for attention suddenly, and we would go home, spread out to our corners...Ben on homework near me on the computer, and Bodee playing with a toy, back to Bronson to protect his momentary obsession. We would have snack together, maybe read a few books, but the day would continue predictably for the rest of the evening, including much whining as I am cooking dinner and terse reminders that the dinner table is not a trough and we are not pigs.

But this time, today was different. I am committed to being and causing Courage and Creativity!

We declare Hike Time! and then Ben suggests afterwards we go home and write about it. "That would be creative!" he says cleverly.
We hike through a new area by a secret marsh in Irvine. Being courageous, it's a new area and we don't have a map. As soon as Bodee even sniffs a whiff of boredom I suddenly stop in my tracks and point "BIGFOOT! TRACKS!" The boys are on high alert and we urgently inspect the huge tracks of what seems to have been a very large footed walker. Then..."SNAKE!!! The longest snake in the WOOOORLD!" I shout...at a long striped water hose.
"Oh Mommy, you're funny, that's not a snake..." I am inspired by being considered funny.
"Are you suuuuure?" I say slyly, and they realize they are not sure and boldly approach anyway.

We courageously go off the path and walk through winding trails. The boys pee in the bushes with glee and we Christen it the "Pee Bush", walking past it with our noses pinched.
The afternoon is a delightful adventure of nature, trees, rocks, mud, birds, lizards, flowers, marsh ponds and singing boys filled with freedom.



We go home and their drawings and writing about the adventure was as if we had gone to Disneyland.
Bodee also created an apology letter to a boy in school that he insulted. It took great courage for him to acknowledge that he did that and he very creatively wrote "There were two boys who were MAD and then became friends."
Instead of "There, ARE YOU HAPPY?" like he wanted to. It took courage for me not to get angry with him and to create understanding and the freedom to express himself...even if it did take three attempts at an apology.

We ate a delicious dinner and made a video for Daddy who was working late. Bodee and the boys sang a song about how much they love Daddy. Priceless.
We even did a Venus Fly Trap science project afterwards...even though I really wanted to check out and write...because my children wanted to create something WITH ME.
And it matters that it's me that does it with them.

I am inspired by our creation.
Inspired by the joy and glee in my children. When I bought them a pack of gum on one of the errands they sang songs for ten minutes about Happy Glee Gum. When we found a new path they shouted at the top of their lungs with bravado.What if we created like that? Expressed joy like that?
When my boys saw a tiny path, they took it, regardless of knowing where it might go. What if we were courageous in everyday actions...what new things, what miracles might show up?

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Gigi on My Shoulder

I am 19, living on 11th street and the West Side highway of Manhattan. Deep in the seedy section of the West Village, in a 5th floor walk up. I enter the apartment I share with fellow fashion design students and roommates Gigi and Per. I throw my worn green army back pack on the table in the living area, slump into the folding chair and sigh. "I'm tiiiiired."
Gigi, who has black arched eyebrows like Spock, and is munching on a bowl of Boo Berries, says simply. " So sleep."
I arch my eyebrow, like this is some sort of novel idea. Then think, No, I can't sleep, I have too much to do. As soon as I become aware that I am thinking this, I am saying it " I have too much to do..."...sinking deeper into my chair. Defeated by my life, the hardship of being a waitress and a student.
Gigi stuffs another mouthful into her mouth, hunches over her bowl, milk dripping from her spoon, and slurps " So?". Without judgement..with love.
I go to bed. For the first time in months I take a nap during the day. I sleep deeply, restoratively, and am aware that I needed it.

Several months later, during the summer while waitressing full time, I hear stories of the staff's travels and backpacking throughout China. They were boys, actually young men, in their early twenties, and both knew how to speak Chinese, but I was inspired and always thought that I could do whatever the boys did. Being half Chinese, I yearned to go to China, to know my roots, To feel connected to a group.

So when I spoke to Gigi on the phone while she was home for the summer with her family in Texas, I said "Someday,I am going to go to China."
She said back, with the same simplicity in her voice. " So go."
What now?? I thought, No you can't go now....you have all these plans....
and I became aware of that automatic no in my head.
But Gigi's logic was clear. I got what she was not saying. Do what you want to do. Do what lights you up. Live.
Other class mates said, "But you are going to get behind."
I thought about that and then responded " Get behind who? Get behind what? This is my life."
My major, Fashion Design, would still be here when I got back. My roommates would welcome me as long as I paid my rent or found a sub letter.

I called my parents, used the money I had earned waitressing to pay for everything, took some Chinese lessons, and in a few weeks I was on a plane to China to backpack around the country alone...and discover.
It was an unforgettable, life changing, thrilling experience.
Ever since then I have thought, everyone should have a Gigi on their shoulder.
A simple, unattached, angel who reminds them of what they want, that they are living. When we do what we love, no reason, no matter how big or loud in our heads, can stand in the way.
I love you Gigi. Always will.
I honor who you were for me in those moments, I am that way for myself now, and often, for others. Thank you.


Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com