Marriage can be a lot of the same old, same old. After 12 years of marriage we know how to finish each other's sentences, how to push each other's buttons and piss each other off...we might even do it for fun sometimes because things can get so "fine". We can predict how the other will respond to a want or need we might have, sigh... so we don't even bother to ask. We could have a predictable marriage.
It would be understandable. You could commiserate probably, if you are married, and my husband and I could make fun of each other at social gatherings, half-jokingly belittling each other, especially me of him, and we would hear lots of laughter of agreement. That's human, and normal. Yes, we could do that, just to do that.
Recently though, especially because of courses from PAX ( meaning Peace) about men and women, I have seen that the predictability in marriage and the resignation with men, is just not something that has to be that way.
I have a new perspective on what men want in marriage, especially after ASKING my husband and listening for twenty minutes (Epic!), and I have come to terms with the fact that my husband has been going through as stage as men do, according to Allison Armstrong, and this one is where he works ALOT. He is compelled to work, to build, to provide. His expression of love is his drive to provide for us. He is great at it. He has a full time job that matters to him and where he makes a huge difference daily. He is also writing a book. He is DRIVEN and gets up at 5:30 every morning except some weekends and writes. Then after the kids go to bed he does his research for the next days writings session. Sometimes that nightly research goes til 11:00. That doesn't leave much time for me. Of course, since every one revolves around ME, it's MY universe, this is tragic.
Because I choose to ongoingly apply what I have learned at Landmark Education, I can see my part in this too. Inside of my part, my responsibility, I have power to cause something. But first I need to look at my part.
Ohhhhhh...I get prickly when he pulls that computer out. I make him WRONG. I make the book WRONG. Sometimes I want to smash his laptop. I feel sorry for myself and curl up in bed with a pout, resentful towards him, boiling in making him wrong and stewing at 10 pm while he clacks away on his computer in the kitchen. Sometimes I just watch TV and go to sleep, but many days I really do miss him, feel sad and lonely and blame him for my woes. I am snippy with him and he has the experience that he can never make me happy. He has no idea what to do about my general malaise. We both feel unappreciated and disconnected...
And I am RIGHT to do that don'tcha know. Totally justified. Oooooh I am SO right.
And if I continue to be right, that's all that I will get. The big badge of RIGHT and my husband WRONG. And that's that.It will continue like that..for years. God knows what will happen, probably affairs, and I'm not saying him.
That's not what I am committed to.
So I looked at what was missing, what I could put in that would make a difference and I saw that compassion, appreciation, support, trust and curiosity would make a difference. And if I were being those things, that would provide me with love, partnership and creation in our marriage. That would be AWESOME. I don't know what would happen, I couldn't manipulate that...and I can see that that would make a huge difference for both of us.
So I created the possibility of Partnership and Creation! I took new actions from that. I asked Todd to share what was going on for him with his book. And I really meant it. I was curious. He told me and saw that the female character had him a little foggy in certain areas. Made sense. Last time I check he had never been a teenage girl. So I asked if I could make a difference if I looked at it. He said yes. I looked and contributed, not making him or the book wrong, but looked for what would have it all, everything he wants in the book, have it all work...and what I contributed from THAT, from what matters to HIM, worked. Two days later Todd asked me to partner with him on his book.
Now, we can't wait to talk to each other. We email each other ideas and we speak to each other with excitement and joy after dinner, before bed and every where in between. Yesterday, as he created the outline for a part of the book, I took notes and contributed my female perspective. He laughed at my straightforwardness and said "You know, we might just be the PERFECT writing partners."
Miracle. Miracle here. Now.
I feel appreciated, valued, connected, loved and I suddenly know myself to be a person who makes a difference in our marriage. I honor him and his creation. He gets to be supported and admired. He WINS.I do too. I am inspired by his vision. I want to dive into his brain and splash in his imagination, roll in his ideas, he is so fascinating and brilliant. REALLY. This is the high point of our marriage and it's just going up from here. This is what we choose to create together.
Zen Honeycutt
If you are curious:
http://www.understandmen.com/
www.landmarkeducation.com
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