Let's Get it Done!

I am sitting in the office of a director of a major hotel in Irvine. She is savvy business women who has graciously welcomed time with me to discuss Zen's Purple Garden. On the cork board behind her is a post card that stands out "Do or Don't. There is no TRY." I comment how I like the post card. I am a firm believer in committing to something in life, or not, and following through. She agrees and shares about aspects of her job that require following through, even when you don't want to. We get that we honor deadlines, do what we say, commit. We exchange a look of recognition of someone who has integrity, someone who is trustworthy.

Later, I see the news. Obama has declared about health care "Let's get it done!"
I agree. I don't know all the details of the reform, but I get that it is a step forward, not perfect, not without gaps, but a step forward. I do get his commitment to the best possible bill with "what's so" right now. As I watched clips of the health care conference last week I sighed with exasperation at the antics of the opposing members, turning the conference into a battleground of analogies and jabbing words versus honoring the time carefully created to CREATE.

As a Mom and business person, as a wife creating a life with my husband of ten years, I am constantly getting things done. I am doing doing doing. There are days in which I take my often protesting, screaming baby in and out of the car seat, bringing my older boys to school, to errands, grocery shopping, to play dates or doctors, over twelve times. And that's just the car seat, that's not the highchair or diaper changing table. I bend, lift, squat, clean, reach, scrape food, wipe butt, sweep, scrub, cook, blot, dab, put away, wash, fold, pack, remind, direct, ask, command, walk, pick up, drop off, console, cuddle, pat, tuck, dress and hug, countless times during the day. I get it Done! Moms do.

And yet with all that doing, I rarely take time to think about who I am being...what is my experience of myself? Who am I to my children? To my husband? Do they enjoy being around me? Does my husband really look forward to coming home? Does he just like to come home to get away from work? Or to be with Me?

When I can take my mind off auto pilot and stop just doing doing doing...I look into their eyes and get what all the doing is about. What REALLY matters. And that's not what I am doing for them. It's who I am being with them.

Tonight, my husband looks at me with gratitude and sweetness in his eyes and requests that my sons tell me that I am amazing after a good dinner and bonding conversation, ( I love him:). My 4 year old looks at me and says "Momma, you are really really really really really reeeeeeeeeeally amazing!", and I get that it's not because of the cooking, picking up an dropping off, cleaning, packing lunches or bedtime tucking in. Being there and doing those thing is great, the health care conference was a good idea, but who I am being, who they are being about it, makes all the difference in the world.

When I let Bodee help cook and guide his hand gently, even when he makes a mess, or when I commit to being on time to drop off and pick up and I am, with a peaceful smile, (huge breakthrough for me, I used to always be late)...or when I hum lullabye, even when I am dog tired, and Thank God for all the beautiful things in nature, for my boys, with love and gratitude in my off key song...being patient and trustworthy, being love...I have a feeling that that might be what he appreciates so much.
Or it could be that I get what really matters to him and I buy him a pack of gum now and then...who knows.

My point is Getting it Done is great. Let' s do that. But let's also think about who we are being please, Congressmen and women. What are you creating and who are you being about that? People's lives are on the line and this mother cares about people having access to health care to take care of their families, and be healthy, now.
Thank you.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Presidents and Packs

It is almost dinner time, I am cooking, and Ben, my 7 year old and Bodee, almost 5 are playing with red clay at the family table, several feet from me. Bronson, 16 months, is padding about the kitchen in his bare feet. Ben and Bodee are chattering to eachother when I catch this part of their conversation:
"Bodee, if you do nice things for people, you could be President of America, you know, like Obama."
Bodee says with a sigh, "Naaaah, I don't want to be President of America, I want to be President of the Universe."
"No, Bodee you can't be President of the Universe." Ben says decidedly,and perhaps not wanting to hurt his little brother's feelings, he adds quickly, " Well, actually in your imagination you can."
"Well, ok I'll be President of America. I'll be a Daddy too."
"Yeah!" Ben says encouragingly " If you are a Daddy that's like being President of your own house. You can do that too!"
"Yeah, I'll be President of my own house too." Bodee says confidently.
"Yeah me too." Ben says excitedly.

I stir the potatoes and smile.
The me of my twenties, the Zen who was Xena the Warrior Princess for Halloween and stomped down Broadway in downtown Manhattan in a fake bear skin cape, with a shrill but triumphant war cry and fist in the air, would cringe and spit at the very thought of the man being THE President of the household. "NO, we should be EQUALS by all accounts" my warrior princess would growl.

Ceasar Millan from the Dog Whisperer, has had an impact on the perspective of that former twenty something year old. Watching a few of his shows and getting how it is the behavior of the leader of the pack that needs to change, has altered my current perspective. It is confusing for the children, or our "pack" to see two bickering "leaders of the pack" in the house at the same time. It is a child's natural drive to push the limits, to test the boundaries. They test the two leaders and see if they can divide and conquer. If there is one leader, they feel safe and can focus on play, growing and learning.

There was a moment when I got this, and saw how exhausted I have been from trying to be the leader of the pack, or at least co-leader ALL THE TIME. This results in cranky, screaming kids, a dishonored and withdrawn husband and me being frustrated and righteous...you know, because we are humans, in a human family...that's just what happens sometimes.
That moment was freedom for me in my relationship with our "pack". I Get to Give Up being the leader of the pack when my husband is home. I can let go of control, I can breathe. I can trust he will take care of all of us....and our children can too.
That doesn't mean that I don't have opinions and input about how we parent, but each choice is a learning experience for us rather than a struggle. We are a team creating together rather than a pack of dogs fighting over turf.
As I imagine my sons as Presidents, I chuckle inside as it occurs to me that that is exactly why we created the names Ben, Bronson and Boden instead of Bodhi for our second son...Boden is distinguished and could easily, phonetically, be "President Boden". Solid.
I see that no matter what their names, they will be Presidents, of something, most definitely of their lives, because they say so, because they are leaders.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com