The Moment it All Changes

I knew this day would come. I didn't expect it to be in the quiet of the night.
I pet my nine year old son's head as I said good night to him. After a weekend away with Daddy alone, camping with the boy scouts, I wanted to reconnect with him and check in. I asked him how everything was, and after a sigh he said "Mom you know how other kids and well, me too...you know how I like Star Wars and Indiana Jones and Star Trek and stuff like that?"
"Yes." I smoothed his hair from his face and remembered how small his head was when he was a bay, like a coconut.
"Well, I just realized I am surrounded by stuffed animals."

"Ohhhh." Here it is. That moment. The line of demarcation between boy and pre-teen. Even at nine, the shift has begun. I see his room as he does and my mouth form a round o.
"Well, what do you think about that Ben?"
"I think maybe I need to give some stuffed animals away."
"Well okay, but you don't need to, whatever you want to do is fine, but nothing is a have to. If you want them, or one or none, that's okay. If you want Star Wars stuff that's okay too. You are growing up aren't you?"
"Yeah." he said almost as wistfully as I felt. My heart aches.
I want to say, No! Don't change, don't grow up. Love stuffed animals! Keep playing with them and making those funny little conversations between them. I don't care of you crash them and have them shoot at each other...just don't grow up.

But I don't. This is about him feeling empowered to bridge the gap between where he is and where he is going confidently. It's not about me and my wish for him to be cute and cuddly for the rest of his life.

"You are becoming a young man. And you are going to go through changes, feelings, body, things you like and don't like will change and that's okay, and you can always talk to Daddy if you don't feel comfortable talking to Mommy. Sometimes a boy likes to talk to a man about stuff too. And I am always here. I want you to know that it is all normal and perfectly okay."
"Okay, well, I am going to get rid of my stuffed animals."
"I just have one request." I whisper.
"What?"
"When you do that, don't say that stuffed animals are for babies or anything okay? Because Bodee and Bronson might still want to have some and feel okay about that."
"Oh I would never do that." He says knowingly.
"I am going to ask them if they want some first and then I am going to just sell them or give them to Goodwill."
"Ok, cool son. And let me know if you want to change your room around, get posters or whatever."
He nods. He is growing up. One day stuffed animals are fun and one day they are not.
Perspective shifts in a moment. Growth happens in a breath.
Change happens as swiftly as a the Santa Ana winds.
I may not be ready, but it's happening. Since it's happening, I might as well roll with it, not make it wrong, not show my sadness but support him in his new path.
I can even see being inspired and excited by his plans to redecorate his room, kiss the stuffed animals good bye and embrace the new Ben.

Zen Honeycutt

Dodging the Bullet

Young women in their early twenties can seem from the unattached observer,like a different species. This female species are colorful, fashionable and eclectically accessorized. With a blase flair, they combine frills, scarves, ruffles, rhinestones on tee shirts and slouchy tops that barely pass as dresses. They sit laguidly at coffee tables, legs crossed, hair flipped to one side, as if life is a vacation and boredom is stretching on like an eternal yawn.... to the casual observer...

I have been honored and privileged to know two young women very well over the past two years. I have seen their species up close. I have ben given a secret pass to their inner lives. They have, in turn, shown me strength, energy and authenticity that the casual observer would not be privy to see. They have supported me in my endeavors, things that should matter not to them...listening to hours of aggravation with managing husband, house and a handful of boys and actual help with boogery children, time to pay mountains of bills, mundane doctors appointment and obligatory household chores.

Christine has been our live in Nanny and assistant for over a year. She was 24 when she started with us, saving money for travel, not sure about her direction or purpose in life, resisting finishing school and happy to have a free place to live that wasn't home. She was fun, sweet and warm... happily dodging creating her life.

Over the course of the year, I was amazed by her generousity, caring for our children while I worked a few hours a day. She gave her complete attention, engaged, present, loving and patient. She was firm too, guiding the children and taking no guff. I am not sure she ever got what a contribution she was to us, how much she matters. She never replaces or usurped me, but supported me fully, transforming the peace and organization of our home.
Over the year, after her travels and confidence built, she transformed her life. She lives on her own now, in a multi renter house with a garden, has a fulltime job and takes four classes in college and also takes a leadeership course two times a week. She is creating being a Holistic Doctor, contributing to others. She is blossoming. Life is no longer boring. She is causing her life.

Anisa was my 24 year old "Buddy" from a leadership program that we both took over two and half years ago. She is stunningly unique, beautiful, and sublimely cool. We called each other three to five times a week, sharing a miracle that occured in our life, and creating what we are causing, who we are being and what we are taking on, and holding eachother to account for that. These calls, and her listening and coaching transformed my life, by having me be accountable to actually do what I said I would.
When we met she was fiercely determined but not admittedly not committed. She was creative and creating her life, but was left wondering why it never happened for her. She was the kind of person you see and think they have it all together, looks, brains and cool factor, but for some reason was disgruntled with life and stuck in quicksand. She was creating her life, but dodging causing it.

Over the two years I was honored to be able to hear her share about confronting herself and what was stopping her, which she soon figured out was simply herself. She took on what it really takes to be a responsible adult. She created getting certain jobs, and she did. She didn't like them, so she left with integrity. She got into struggles from living with her parents and I got to hear what that was really like for her. I got to hear her complete those reoccurring conversations with her parents with responsibility. She shared how she loved and let go of a great young man and is still great friends with him. I got to see her grow, like young sapling into a lush tree before my very eyes. She has moved to San Franciso now, creating AND causing for herself, freedom, grace, ease and being a radiant woman. She is.

Before she left she shared with me that she went to Apple to get her iphone replaced. She had dropped it in the toilet. Instead of going and whining to the customer service rep abot it like a teenager, she took responsibility like an adult. She told him straight up what happened, accepted the responsibility of having to pay a full five hundred dollars to replace it and then just got related to the service rep while he took care of routine paper work. She was curiuos about HIM, and they talked, connecting ( not flirting,just being related ) and creating a great experience together instead of the drudgery a repetitious service act can be. Soon he was finding a way to waive the five hundred dollars, with her even asking for it...and she was beaming radiantly.

" I dodged the bullet Big Time " she said to me. And in that moment I got something.

" Yes, you did. But it wasn't like you dodged the bullet luckily, like a survivor reflex, without thinking about it. This was dodging the bullet like a James Bond girl, or like MATRIX. You didn't strategize it, but you dodged it from who you are being, totally present with him and creating. There is a huge difference"

That kind of dodging the bullet comes with mastery, taking on responsibility and causing one's life fully. There is nothing laguid or lucky about that. That is the transformation from teen to woman.
I will not have a daughter but being allowed the access to these two young women's worlds has touched me and has me be complete with that, beyond what I ever could have imagined. I have been a part of the cycle of woman hood, creating together.
Thank you wonderful ladies.

Zen Honeycutt