The Provider Dad

So much debate is tossed around about the Stay at Home Mom versus the Working Mom. And it's all focused on the women. Of course. We women are the center of our universes.
What about our men? What about Dads?
The debate here would then be The 100% Provider Dad versus the what? 50% Provider Dad?
Ouch. Smarts a bit. No man want to think of himself as less than 100%.
But this is the reality of what a dual income family is. The man provides about half or maybe a bit more or less to the family. Our society, WE have come to think of this as equality and fair.

What is the impact however, of removing the responsibility of being sole, 100% provider to the family, on our men?

Here's the deal. Men are best when challenged. Super Hero's are super because the task before them is life or death.

Men lose interest if the challenge isn't great. Want to know why it is so challenging to get a man in his early to mid or even late twenties now to commit to a relationship and marry? He doesn't have to. All the women he dates make enough if not more money than he and he can party and play with them all. The urgency of finding a mate and providing for her to create a family has been watered down.

Want to know why so many men play video games and ignore their kids and nagging wives for hours? Because they can first of all, they are not the only one to provide for the whole family ( someone else can do it=perpetual teenager syndrome) so they kick back. Secondly, their wife is "doing it all", taking care of the house and working and her overwhelm and stress may be having her be so annoying that the only way to chill out is to check out. It's survival.

They continue to do their job to maintain and survive the balancing act of his wife "having it all" and having to give it all to their kids. They are last on the list and left feeling constantly inadequate....they may not admit it...but the fact that his wife works still means, deep inside, that she has to, and occurs to him as a reflection on his ability to provide.

What happens when men are not in the world of needing to provide for their family, and have their ass on the line as the sole provider, is that something is lost for them. Their purpose and pride and power silently occurs to them as diluted.


What is created when they do have full responsibility?

They step up. They provide. They expand their repertoire of skills, of communication and leadership. They broaden their horizons socially and politically. They connect with other high performing men and bridge the gap between where they want to be and where they are. And they do it willingly, with pride and confidence. They may be fearful, they may be challenged and not know how to do it, but they do it.They create opportunities to expand. They create opportunities in their jobs, careers, society and culture.

And in the end of the day, when they come home, they see the mess that their wife, who has the privilege of staying at home, has created with their children, the crafts and art etc...as proof that he creates a life of fun and adventure for others. He is proud, fulfilled and happy.

The man who is the sole provider for his family gets to know himself to be someone he never would have imagined himself to be... completely generous, dependable, the source of all that is important and fun. He provides the food. He provides the clothing, he provides the home, the education and the adventures on vacation. HE does all that. He is our HERO.

This is a role that men have fulfilled for ten of thousands of years and to have that removed in our society has an impact. For them to take it on and CHOOSE to be the sole provider is humungously huge of them. They don't have to choose it, many have dual incomes and the wife does something creative and empowering, he supports that, and that's great. I am not discounting the contribution that is possible to society with women working and the possibilities inside marriage. I am simply putting in, wondering about, especially while the children are young and most challenging, what would be possible if the father provided for the family and the mother mothered?

What if we women trust that they can and support them? In doing so, we have an opportunity to be surprised and delighted by our men. To marvel at their Heroics. We can relish in being a woman and care for and be amazed by our children...and in the process, we will amaze ourselves at our ability to trust, mother and be present to what really matters to us. Our children AND our men.

Zen Honeycutt

Dodging the Bullet

Young women in their early twenties can seem from the unattached observer,like a different species. This female species are colorful, fashionable and eclectically accessorized. With a blase flair, they combine frills, scarves, ruffles, rhinestones on tee shirts and slouchy tops that barely pass as dresses. They sit laguidly at coffee tables, legs crossed, hair flipped to one side, as if life is a vacation and boredom is stretching on like an eternal yawn.... to the casual observer...

I have been honored and privileged to know two young women very well over the past two years. I have seen their species up close. I have ben given a secret pass to their inner lives. They have, in turn, shown me strength, energy and authenticity that the casual observer would not be privy to see. They have supported me in my endeavors, things that should matter not to them...listening to hours of aggravation with managing husband, house and a handful of boys and actual help with boogery children, time to pay mountains of bills, mundane doctors appointment and obligatory household chores.

Christine has been our live in Nanny and assistant for over a year. She was 24 when she started with us, saving money for travel, not sure about her direction or purpose in life, resisting finishing school and happy to have a free place to live that wasn't home. She was fun, sweet and warm... happily dodging creating her life.

Over the course of the year, I was amazed by her generousity, caring for our children while I worked a few hours a day. She gave her complete attention, engaged, present, loving and patient. She was firm too, guiding the children and taking no guff. I am not sure she ever got what a contribution she was to us, how much she matters. She never replaces or usurped me, but supported me fully, transforming the peace and organization of our home.
Over the year, after her travels and confidence built, she transformed her life. She lives on her own now, in a multi renter house with a garden, has a fulltime job and takes four classes in college and also takes a leadeership course two times a week. She is creating being a Holistic Doctor, contributing to others. She is blossoming. Life is no longer boring. She is causing her life.

Anisa was my 24 year old "Buddy" from a leadership program that we both took over two and half years ago. She is stunningly unique, beautiful, and sublimely cool. We called each other three to five times a week, sharing a miracle that occured in our life, and creating what we are causing, who we are being and what we are taking on, and holding eachother to account for that. These calls, and her listening and coaching transformed my life, by having me be accountable to actually do what I said I would.
When we met she was fiercely determined but not admittedly not committed. She was creative and creating her life, but was left wondering why it never happened for her. She was the kind of person you see and think they have it all together, looks, brains and cool factor, but for some reason was disgruntled with life and stuck in quicksand. She was creating her life, but dodging causing it.

Over the two years I was honored to be able to hear her share about confronting herself and what was stopping her, which she soon figured out was simply herself. She took on what it really takes to be a responsible adult. She created getting certain jobs, and she did. She didn't like them, so she left with integrity. She got into struggles from living with her parents and I got to hear what that was really like for her. I got to hear her complete those reoccurring conversations with her parents with responsibility. She shared how she loved and let go of a great young man and is still great friends with him. I got to see her grow, like young sapling into a lush tree before my very eyes. She has moved to San Franciso now, creating AND causing for herself, freedom, grace, ease and being a radiant woman. She is.

Before she left she shared with me that she went to Apple to get her iphone replaced. She had dropped it in the toilet. Instead of going and whining to the customer service rep abot it like a teenager, she took responsibility like an adult. She told him straight up what happened, accepted the responsibility of having to pay a full five hundred dollars to replace it and then just got related to the service rep while he took care of routine paper work. She was curiuos about HIM, and they talked, connecting ( not flirting,just being related ) and creating a great experience together instead of the drudgery a repetitious service act can be. Soon he was finding a way to waive the five hundred dollars, with her even asking for it...and she was beaming radiantly.

" I dodged the bullet Big Time " she said to me. And in that moment I got something.

" Yes, you did. But it wasn't like you dodged the bullet luckily, like a survivor reflex, without thinking about it. This was dodging the bullet like a James Bond girl, or like MATRIX. You didn't strategize it, but you dodged it from who you are being, totally present with him and creating. There is a huge difference"

That kind of dodging the bullet comes with mastery, taking on responsibility and causing one's life fully. There is nothing laguid or lucky about that. That is the transformation from teen to woman.
I will not have a daughter but being allowed the access to these two young women's worlds has touched me and has me be complete with that, beyond what I ever could have imagined. I have been a part of the cycle of woman hood, creating together.
Thank you wonderful ladies.

Zen Honeycutt