Dinner time is OUR Time

This is a follow up to "I Hate Dinnertime!" blog post from a few days ago.
Dinnertime was not fun. Pretty unpleasant for a week or so. Then I got present that I could create something and transform this area of my life.
I took a good look at it and what I had already been doing:

I was resisting making dinner until the last minute. It was a big "I HAVE to."
I was making dinner with a left over pile of dishes from earlier in the day stacked up around me...UGH and feeling like “it’s all on me” and stressing out.
I was throwing whatever food there was together, really bored with the food I was cooking and practically slapping it on the table.
I was hollering at the kids to help set the table like they are in trouble, as if they should have known already, read my mind or something and have the table set without me even asking. They were in trouble before dinner even started!
I was sitting down and saying grace in a rush.
I was getting really upset and resentful with the kids for putting their elbows on the table, maybe even feet on the table, playing with their napkin and not eating... or eating with their fingers. I would snap at them and feel a rush of anger.
I was yelling at them to eat at the table and someone often cried.
I was comparing my kids to how I think I was, an obedient child at the table and I am making them totally wrong.
I was wanting to quit being a part of this family.

The result was I had a miserable dinner experience. I had an experience of myself as a failure of a Mom.
I had a clenched stomach and kids with stomach aches after dinner.
I had kids who were being yelled at at a time of day when all we all wanted is to be together and enjoy each other.
I had a husband who worked all day to provide for us and came home to a stressful dinner and resentful wife.
This really, really doesn't work for me.
When I really looked at myself, who I was being was focused on my own stress.
I was being angry, unpleasant and frustrated.
But I was right to be this way. I was justified because of the way the kids were behaving!
When I looked further though, and really told the truth on myself, I could see I was being a victim of my own creation... the three kids, family, the idea of a nice dinner, was all my doing and yet "woe is me!". " I can't take it!"

When I blogged last week, I really got to see that what is probable is that I will continue yelling at dinner, having a miserable dinner and husband and kids who don't feel honored and appreciated, and I will, most likely, continue being angry, unpleasant, frustrated and self centered and continue to have miserable dinners.
That's just the way it's going to continue to go!

That was not okay for me. I know I could survive it. People do. I could. It could keep going like that, but I am committed to an extraordinary life, to creating love and aliveness, so I got to work.

I looked at what was missing that would make a difference and I saw being present, engaged in life, really creating dinner time as special was missing. What was missing was honoring my husband and seeing joy in my kids. I could see that being present, honor and joy is missing. And what that would make available is Loving Ease and Grace!

So I created the possibility of Loving Ease and Grace and suddenly a whole new world of possibilities opened up for me. I began to think like a southern belle, a hostess, and wonder what I could create. I dug out our fancy table cloth and china. I asked Mom friends for creative ideas. Last night I set up the dinner table a half hour ahead of time and when I put a candle on the table, the kids came over, curious and wanting to help. They set the table like a couple of adorable helpers, even folding the napkins. I cleaned the kitchen well in advance and made a delicious salmon dinner with dill, zucchini and roasted potatoes and brownie sundaes for dessert. When my husband came home with the candle lit and table set, I knew he felt honored. I was proud to place that dinner on the table that looked beautiful and my son even asked to do something which I had started from creating the possibility of Loving Ease and Grace, which was each say the rose, thorn and bud, from our day, the best thing, worst thing and something we learned. ( Thanks Pam for that idea!) The kids enjoyed taking turns and even though my husband had a bad day ( his father is in the hospital and work is piling up) I got that I could hold the space at the dinner table for us all to be connected anyway. And when my son puts his knee up and the other one was taking an eternity to eat, I saw that my automatic way of reacting would be to demand for them to stop, get loud and unpleasant. Inside of my possibility of Loving Ease and Grace, however, I simply whispered to them, and asked them whether or not that behavior was appropriate. They were surprised and corrected their behavior. No tears. No yelling. I got that I get to hold the space for the future of good table manners and in the meantime I am THE ONE to create loving ease and grace right now, matter what. I really got that it was ME all along that was creating the anger and miserable dinner, not them. They are having a blast eating with their fingers and playing with their napkins. It was ME that was making dinnertime upsetting by getting angry about it and yelling. I don't have to be that way! I could come from loving ease and grace no matter what.

So last night, my kids ate, shared about their day, felt heard and special.
And it wasn't the table cloth, china or brownie sundaes that made it special, it was me being responsible for creating the ambiance and being loving ease and grace.

At the end of the night my husband thanked me for the dinner and said that it really meant alot to him after the day he had, that I had dinner be that way for him and the family. The way his body relaxed showed that he felt supported and honored. He shared all about his day, which is something that probably wouldn’t have happened if we had all been yelling at each other at dinner the way we had been.
As he shared about his day, I got that everything he does is for us, and I am committed to him feeling love, support and the gratitude we have for him, everyday, and did last night, and will continue to, from me, being The ONE to get present and create from the possibility of Loving Ease and Grace.

Thank you Landmark Education and everyone who attends for the daily miracles of relatedness I get to create using this work and your coaching.
www.landmarkeducation.com
I get to have what matters most to me, present to the miracles of love in my family.

Zen Honeycutt

The Summer I Fell in Love

...With Being a Mom.

It came to me the other day in a moment of reflection about this almost-over-summer. This summer was the summer I fell in love with being a Mom. Better late than never. Maybe you fell in love with being a Mom when your baby was born...
I didn't. I was scared. I loved my child, don't get me wrong, when I saw my child I was bewildered with the feelings of wonder, love, protectiveness, fascination and fear. As my baby grunted, cooed, gurgled, nuzzled, yawned and sighed, I fell in love over and over again, but I was not in love with who I was.
I was fearful and quick to anger. If you so much as sneezed around my baby, I tensed and twitched. I became analytical and annoying about the dangers that could befall my child. I was a Debbie Downer (see Saturday Night Live), Paranoid Hermit and a Tiger Mom all in one. I can't say I was much fun.
I didn't exactly charm anyone or delight myself.

Something monumental shifted this summer. This summer I rearranged the molecules of my being. I created the possibility of being The Gateway to Adventure! and inside of that possibility everything shifted. A new realm of possibilities opened up and my world became an opportunity rather than something to survive. Each day became a blank slate to create with my children...and create we did! volcanoes, puppets, musical instruments, clay huts, science projects, and art galore. When I was cleaning or planning to manage the house and our adventures, each moment that they interrupted me with a book to read or story about their lego creation became a sacred moment of sharing.
I did not send them off to summer camp to "get a break from them". I joined them and volunteered and got to be a part of their adventures. This was a huge breakthrough for me. The freedom is like my soul sighing a sense of relief after finding it's home.

I got that I GET TO be The One. The ONE to be there when they are sad, mad or frustrated. Not to fix it, but to get them, to hear their soul speaking and validate their woes. I GET TO be The One to create spontaneity and delight in a moment's notice with a game of tag at the beach or crushing a sand castle. I GET TO Be The One to clap and applaud their piano playing in their underwear and ohhh and ahhhh at their castles made with tunnels of coach pillows. I GET TO be The One to wipe their tears when they cut their head from falling off the bike they just learned to ride (even with the helmet) and later, post staples, to support them in getting back on.

Being a Mom used to be the hardest job in the world, (sigh, sputter, groan) something my husband didn't understand and my Mom friends, although they understood, were too busy with their own trials and tribulations to be of much support to me. I bared it all myself and most of my communications to my husband were complaints that he "needed to hear" or else I would feel invalidated and grumpy for days. Now it's different. It's not that it's not challenging. The kids still resist eating when I make then food and pester me for food when I am trying to fold laundry, but inside of being The Gateway to Adventure, new actions show up, like folding laundry at night while I watch a romantic drama movie ( my kind of adventure) and planning a trip to the Pepper Tree grove for a hike and bringing a picnic lunch. During that adventure they are having too much fun to bug me for food and when we do eat with friends they really get it's time to eat and they do. There is no space for hard when you are having fun. And complaints just don't show up when you are sharing the adventures with your husband. You know what does show up? Connection and romantic adventures! wink wink...the surprise bonus:) Quite delightful.

This summer I created instead of survived. I share my joy in hopes to connect with other Moms who may notice their joy more through reading this.I took my kids off the "To Do" list, like What do I do with them? And become a being of creativity. My boys in turn, got something priceless. They got me. A mother who is not just there for them, but wants to be there for them and gets her value of being there for them. I am present, caring, creative, engaged and endearing. My heart celebrates with Moms who get this, you have inspired me for years. My heart aches for all Moms to have this relationship, not just with their kids, but with themselves. I wish for all Moms to know to the core of their being that their presence, creativity and attention is the greatest gift they can give their family. Them. Exactly the way they are. There is nothing to fix or better way to be but to be present. Be curious. And in being all about them, you get all of yourself. You get the immense gift that YOU are to the world.
You. Mom.

Zen Honeycutt

Easy Parenting

Parenting is "hard" is a generally accepted concept, why make it harder? Having a play date, going to a Moms Club event, volunteering, joining Cub Scouts...all these things at first consideration seem like more work. Why bother? I hem and haw and procrastinate in planning them. Weeks go by and my kids don't have a friend over, months could go by before I venture out to a Moms Club event sometimes, and years went by before we joined Cub Scouts because we were coming from "making life easier" and "doing less" because "it's all too much".

The reality is, that just thinking that it's "hard" makes parenting harder. I know, there is the reality of it... the kids are home 24-7 with each other and they start to get tired, as any one would, of their stinky brother in their face. They start to whine about the way he breathes and cry about the way the other one mimics him. Tempers flare and no toy seems interesting anymore. I start doing a lot of sighing, threatening, cajoling and shouting and I exhaust myself just sitting on my butt planning the meals. But my perspective is actually what makes it tiring and hard.

Staying home, staying "small" by trying to reserve energy and do as little as possible is actually the most exhausting way to parent. The easy way to parent is to BE fun and interact with them doing stimulating activities. Not necessarily structured activities like shoving them into a tennis lesson or art lesson everyday, but by calling friends and lining up play dates, where the kids run around and "free" play, showing off the toys they haven't touched for months like they are gilded with gold. I can actually sit in the living room as they play and learn a new piano song or clean out the kitchen drawers as they have a snack and chat with them about their Pokemon collections. Having a play date is easier because they are better behaved in front of peers and more excited about home.Plus,you get a peek into their social life and get in their world. This relatedness makes communicating with your child much easier.

Going to a Moms Club event, where we meet new people, leap through a sprinkler, pick fruit off trees and read books together, works. Going to Moms Clubs events definitely makes being a parent easier because while the kids are playing I get to talk to a real live adult who isn't picking their nose or burping the alphabet. She actually listens to what I have to say and actually responds in complete intelligent sentences...unless she is interrupted by her screaming toddler. Which actually doesn't bother me, in fact it's often a relief and even funny sometimes. Many a Mom has been known to laugh at another Moms chaos, not out of ridicule but out of sheer bottled up frustration at their own kids. When we see another Mom dealing with the same thing, suddenly it's okay to let that energy out and it tumbles out in the form of uncontrollable laughter. Pretty soon all the Moms are laughing and we are just present to joy. Getting out of the house, connecting with the Moms Club makes parenting easier because you get you aren't crazy while the kids make new friends.

Volunteering at school, I thought would be especially taxing. I envisioned being sequestered to a room full of paper collating all day while a teacher's aid examines my work or complains about school politics. In reality, I get to observe the teacher's style in the classroom and hear her teaching lingo and use these words at home to reinforce the learning. I get to observe my child learning, his style, when he is comfortable or not and speak with him about how he does his homework at home with insights to what works for him. I get to be a part of an art project or writing lesson and learn how how my children learn, and use this at home when I am guiding them in their homework. Volunteering makes my life easier as a parent because I am tuned into how they learn.

Joining the Cub Scouts seemed like an impossibility for years. Give up our Saturdays for constant camping in the dirt? Sewing on badges til my fingers bleed? Trek them back and forth to flag ceremonies and memorize old fashioned fuddy duddy mottos? In reality Cub Scouts camp two or three times a year and it is awesome. We go boulder climbing, make marshmallow air guns with pipes, hike in canyons and sing songs around the campfire. The badges are less than you think and you can sew them while you watch TV. As far as it being old fashioned, there is nothing outdated about BB Gun shooting, deep seas fishing, archery, catapult making and learning good character:what it means to be responsible, respectful, honest and loyal. Cub Scouts makes parenting easier because you get a wonderful community of parents who support teaching your boys good character while you all create adventures together. Being a leader in Cub Scouts is even more awesome because you get to create with other leaders and your kids get the experience of having their parent be a leader. Being a Cub Scout leader makes it much easier to raise your son to be a leader.

Now, when I consider an option, even if I feel like draggin' butt all day, I look at what is possible...what might the kids get out of this? What might I get out of this? What might I be able to contribute? And my world shifts, from "too hard" to exciting new and marvelous wonders. And we just GET OUT! We go outside, have fun and cause a ruckus and I get to participate, create and cause being an adventurous parent and having amazingly happy and stimulated children. When I am an involved and connected with my kids, I am happier, and when Momma's happy, everyone's happy! What's hard is checking out. Checking in, and creating makes it all easier. Coming from the world creating, all there is is ease, freedom, excitement and fun!
Not just easy, but Inspired Parenting!

Zen Honeycutt

Momma Drama

I am doing it again. Creating the Momma Drama.
First, inevitably, there is the discontent with something...mess, boredom, crankiness due to that time of the moneth...something. Lately it has been the neck pain for me and the hours of laying on the couch and watching TV commericals that just lie to us. Coca Cola, McDonald's and Cadbury as sponsors of the Olympics? If I didn't own the TV I would throw something at it. How stupid do they think American's are? Isn't sponsoring something supposed to mean you have some correlation, some connection of relatedness?
As a mother I am apalled that children anywhere, especially in my own home, might think that there is a connection between these diabetes-inducing-companies and the phenomenal athletes and their performance and I make sure to tell them. ARRRGGHH!
You can see the Momma Drama building here.


So at some point, in between complaining to my nothing-but-awesomely-patient-husband and snapping at my adorably affectionate child who just hugged me a little too hard and hurt my neck...I realized I have got to stop focusing on problems and sitting around stewing in my own head...as soon as I am better I am going to create something rather than sitting here reacting to the world around me.

So I created the possibility of being Love and Generosity. And I realized I didn't have to wait until I got better. I can be that anytime, anywhere. So I started to look into, what would be an expression of love and generosity that inspires me?

I found so many things. Number one, being with my kids in a loving way. Realizing that not being able to pick them up and hug them makes a difference for them, so last night I just sat and held my youngest for a long time and just let him sleep beside us and didn't get frustrated with him. Just loved him.

Then I saw that taking action in the other areas that really matter to me, educating the public about Genetically Modified Foods, how they are the cause of allergies and instigate inflammation in the body and rise in cancer...this matters to me. So I contacted the Label GMO's group and got opportunities to volunteer. The fiber of my being stands for healthy kids and people through REAL FOOD.
http://www.labelgmos.org/

Then, while reading an article about a Chinese woman who picked through garbage as a living and found abandoned babies and rescued them, 30 of them, I realized that there is more that we could be doing for the foster kids in our own back yard. Children feeling loved everywhere, this really matters to me.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2181017/Lou-Xiaoying-Story-Chinese-woman-saved-30-abandoned-babies-dumped-street-trash.html

And then there is the issue so close to my heart of women having choices, birth centers and access to midwives and doulas, healthcare that covers those services and the education to be able to choose them, Empowered Births, empowered women, peace and love during the first moments of life, this really matters to me.
http://www.facebook.com/EmpoweredBirth.PA

So I have many areas where I would be lit up and fulfilled to make a difference in, and then these opportunities open up, and I cannot be in four places at once. I begin to create more Momma Drama for myself, which one do I choose now? I can't do it all! Am I failing this guy if I don't volunteer today? Which one is more important? Are my kids going to be mad and scream if I go out for three hours? What if what I do doesn't really make a difference? Tension begins to hurt my neck again.
Maybe other people do this too...maybe this is why alot of people don't take on any volunteering at all...the fear of not being able to do enough...creating drama for ourselves which we use as an excuse to not take action.Or if we do, it doesn't go the way we think it should so we let our passion peter out.

See, when I take on a new project, the way it sometimes goes is that my husband and kids are the ones that suffer for it. I suffer too, tension etc, but I am so used to it I hardly notice it. They get the brunt of it. I get excited about something, doing something, making a difference, and that excitement turns into anxiety and angst about getting it done on time or doing it right. We are rushing out the door and I am barking at them and my husband wonders how the hell he got roped into doing something that is supposed to be fun and is turning out to be miserable. He is coming from that FUN, right now, should be the reason why we are doing all this....I am thinking that it is just the way it is that it is rushed and crazy now...fun is for later, during the event. I am living for someday, later, he is living in the moment, the now.

I can see this now, at the time I couldn't or wouldn't, and I am totally not committed to that craziness. I am committed to love and generosity and peace of mind too. For me, for my family and for everyone I connect with.

So in taking on being of service to others, I make a deal with myself. Create a plan, a structure, for how and when and how long. One thing a day. Could be 5 minutes, could be an hour. Have it work. Take a deep breath. Connect with your inner peace and let that out to shine. "Be the Change you want to see in the world" doesn't mean it you can't have any fun or peace in the mean time. On fact, being the fun and the peace, now, is the whole point.




Zen Honeycutt

Less IS More...Adventure!

The more I take on the more I think I am helping. I started a company when I had a three year old and 8 month old sons. I thought I would make millions of dollars and then be able to have adventures with my kids. When it became evident that I was not making millions of dollars and the pathway to do that would be to minimize my role as a mother, I took a long look at what I was doing. Even though the company was profitable. I completed it and took on what mattered to me, my kids and my writing.

Even in my writing however, I thought Oh! I love writing. I will do that to make millions of dollars. Then we will be able to have the adventures with our kids.
I have been, as a Mom and wife, trying to help to provide income for our family. In other words I have been not trusting my husband to do that.


"Helping" my family by "doing it all" comes from love and care. I love what I did. And I would love to write and make millions of dollars. But to write only because I want to make millions of dollars is not empowering. It is not inspiring and doesn't work. (Writing about what matters to you is authentic,inspiring and works) To write, or do anything, to take on more, only to help my family/husband isn't effective or empowering. There is a certain result that must be obtained through a certain path and it is limiting.It gives others, and myself, less of me and I get less of them, not more.

It doesn't empower people to "help" them. This may be counter intuitive to many. Helping, when you get authentic about it, is seeing the person as small, as unable to handle the situation themselves (we are taking about able bodied adults here) and helping continues the pattern of whatever they are doing that doesn't work or doesn't work as well as we would like it to. What really empowers is being a listening for the person to transform themselves and the situation. This means listening to them as GREAT. Standing for them being GREAT. Sharing with them what is possible, listening to them create what they see as possible and then stepping back and creating a space for them to choose it.

Recently I got that I was busy working/writing etc to make million of dollars so I could have adventures with my kids...well why not just have adventures with my kids?
I trust my husband to provide, and he does. A wonderful life!

And, guess what, it doesn't take millions of dollars to have adventures...that is just an ideal. Ideals or standards or even dreams that we chase and allow to run our lives don't empower us. Creating in the moment does.
Yearning, wishing, doing less IS having MORE.

Rather than planning several weeks of camp, creating time and space for my sons to create their own adventures transforms their lives. A dirt pile is an adventure. Ants are an adventure.The ocean for a few hours is an adventure. The hot desert is an adventure. A new park and stacking rocks is an adventure. Letting go and letting them shoot the arrow without coaching or hammer the wood themselves at Scout Camp is an empowering and wondrous adventure! Camping in nature is the holiest of adventures.

As a Mom, I am taking on not helping, but transforming life, and that starts with me. I give up doing more, needing to help make money and take on being a Mom and doing less...and simply what matters to me (and us).
Through taking this on, I have found that some of my best writing is simply about having adventures with my kids!

This year, at New Years, we sat as a family around our Japanese wishing pot that my husband got as a gift for me on his travels. We all took turns writing down on the small curled up scroll, what we wanted to create for the year before us and who we are being.
The word I wrote for 2012 was "Adventure!" and I am moved to tears to realize that the adventure I was craving is not out there, somewhere, to find and pay for with millions of dollars, but inside, right now, simply in my perspective and being present to exactly the life I have.


Zen Honeycutt

The Case for the Stay at Home Mom: CHOICE

My husband recently shared and article with me: "Elite Women Put a New spin on Debate"
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/22/us/elite-women-put-a-new-spin-on-work-life-debate.html?_r=1&hp
It's about high exec women who are starting to say that being 80% responsible for the children's care ad 100% responsible for a job and 80% responsible for household management just mathmatically doesn't work. It may not be "having it all". It may not be what it is all cracked up to be.The feminist movement may have, in fact, enrolled millions of women into an idea of a lifestyle of constantly being overwhelmed, feeling inadequate and resentful. They aren't saying the latter part out loud yet, that was my doing, but as a former business owner with two children and now three, I can see now that that was there for me. I thought I wasn't good enough unless I was doing it all. And that had me not satisfied with anything.

Many Moms were that way before, dissatisfied and resentful, of course, being the stay at home Moms and handling all there is to handle in raising human beings to be responsible and a contribution to society. The job is humongous on it's own....and at one point that job for women occurred to us a "have to". We "had to", we had no other choice.

And in the past 60-100 years we women have added new dimensions into our expectations of ourselves that many are seeing now don't serve us as women and our families. We are grateful to have choice now....and some choose to not partake in the corporate world while raising children.There is nothing old fashioned or non feminist about that either.

Steven King was asked what defined success and he said "I define success by how interested I am in the thing I am currently doing."

In other words by how present, lit up and alive he is...by how much fun he is having in the moment.

The debate need not be about judging others, but looking to ourselves. How interested am I as a Mom in what I am doing? How successful do I feel as a Mom? Or as a working Mom? Whether we take on corporate or entrepreneurial endeavors as well, how interested are we right now in the moment in doing only what we are doing? Are we choosing what we are doing?

As a corporate or entrepreneur Mom of young children especially, this is incredibly challenging. It just doesn't work to be present and lit up by a conference call when the baby is screaming for a diaper change. It just doesn't work to be interested in the droning on of co workers at endless meetings when we are feeling guilty about not being able to stay home with a sick child. It just doesn't feel successful to yell at your child for demanding something when you have a deadline to meet and they don't understand that. I have been there. We may be able to put the pull of our children aside for a few hours and accomplish something and feel good about that, but in the quiet hours of the night we wake up, feeling like we missed something, and wondering how much we matter in the guidance of our child's development.

We women are compelled to focus on more than one thing at a time, and we often do, but we are most fulfilled, feel most accomplished and effective when we are present to one thing at a time....and to what matters to us most. It is a lot more fun, too.

I submit that we women work because we want to provide for our kids, so what really matters is not the work, but the kids. We also want to feel fulfilled and accomplished, and doubt ourselves that we will feel that way being "just a Mom". What possibilities in partnership open up when we trust our husbands to provide and we trust ourselves to nurture our children?

We all get to be present to what really matters to us.

For the child to have their mother to be present and curious about them, to gaze at them, listen, and hear about the world through their sparkling eyes...and then to whisper those stories to your husband before sleeping, has him filled with purpose and pride that he provided that.

To be home when they are sad and distraught after a school tiff on the playground IS having it all.

To go on an adventure with your child on a Tuesday to the beach, to volunteer at their schools and see them learn and grow or to manage the budget on one income so you can go on a camping vacation and let the boys dig in the dirt for hours....IS having it all.

To choose to live on one income, where ever that works, and create partnership in the marriage where each partner's role create trust, support and dependability as the foundation, IS having it all.

To be present to the concept that to be a working Mom is not a "have to" but a choice is meant to be liberating, not create guilt...that inside that choice there is actually possibilities and freedom, trust in the abilities of your husband and your self, and relatedness with your child.

To be the Mom available for snuggles, comfort, complaints to be heard and stomachs to be filled, to be open to be crawled on and tattled to, to be relied on to find things and wash stuffed animals, to be THE One that is always there for your children is fullfilling beyond any amount of money or recognition. In being present to our children we are present to the greatest gift we have to give, ourselves.
The fact is, that CHOOSING to be a stay at home Mom means sharing in the greatest adventure of all with your children, LIFE.
THAT is having it all.

Zen Honeycutt

Miracle-in-Between-Moments

In between those times when something is supposed to happen, I am still living my life. I am still a Mom when I am waiting for the teller to count out a stack of ones for the most-likely-a-waitress in front of me. I am still a Mom when we are driving to the library. I am still a Mom when I forget something in the car and we all have to tromp back through the chilly air, between minivans, all the way through the parking lot and get it.

It's those in-between moments that I realized yesterday, that are still open to the creation of miracles.
Yea, the big moments, baby Christenings and weddings and birthdays are easy to see as miraculous. But if I am in the market for an extraordinary, miraculous life (which I am), causing a miracle while waiting for my soup to cool, now that is the real deal.

It seems like causing miracles might take alot of energy doesn't it? Well first let's define that a miracle is something that you never ever expected would happen, something that never would have happened anyway and something that creates profound something...joy, relatedness, love, wonder...that's MY definition of a miracle. You can make up yours. By the way, in my world, God isn't the only one who causes them, he/she/God gave us free will to cause our lives. That includes miracles too:) And when we are present and just living, causing miracles can be easy and joyful.

Yesterday I created with my accountability buddy (we have calls daily or at least 3X a week) that I was committed to causing Miraculous Relatedness. That includes everyone everywhere and everything. It includes my new and profound commitment to be a YA best selling author in partnership with my husband. That is a future that has me excited, not only about the future, but it has me being excited RIGHT NOW. And being present, living, having fun.

On the way to the library to pick up some YA novels that I have been remiss to read, (cuz ya know I don't "need" too...so arrogant, my ego:) and hook the kids up with some fun books, I turned on the radio and began clapping and dancing to the music. I invited the kids join in and shared with them "If you ever have a choice to sit down or dance, I hope you choose dance,dance, dance!" And they did. They busted the moves the whole way to the library.

Then when I forgot my drivers liscense in the car (to get a library card at this new library, we just moved, that's another blog) and we have to go back through the long lot, I used the normally tedious redo-moment to create miraculous relatedness with my sons. I asked Ben what he was thinking and he said,"Mom I would suggest that this library not have toliets that are so big."
"Oh really? Did you almost fall in?" I said with wide eyes.
"YES! The seat is too big." Major injustice!!
"What would happen if you fell in???" I asked like we were discovering a National Treasure.
"My butt would get wet." he said.
"Yes, but I mean, if you got flushed...what would happen?" he looked at me oddly and then smiled and made a face.
"I would go into the sewer, Yeeech!"
"Ewwww... what would that be like?"
"You would get eaten by a CROCODILE!" shouted Bodee, my slime loving six year old.
"Would you be tasty?" I asked.
Ben shook his head, smiling crookedly at me. "Nooooo..."
"Why NOT? I asked. "I feed you yummy food!" and tickled him.

He threw his head back and laughed a full belly laugh. I grabbed at Bodee and Bronson for good measure, and suddenly we had retrieved the driver's liscense and we on our way back to the library. Full of fun, happy and connected, my sons and I had images and laughing we never would have had if I had just been grumpy because I forgot somthing and "had to" drag them to the car and back. A "waste of time" was transformed into a miraculous moment of imagination and relatedness.

Cooling soup might actually be the inspiration for a children's book set on a planet with soup for seas. The bank might be the time we create the "Allowance Deal" that has the kids lit up about saving.
Miraculously, at the end of the day, we sat around as a family reading and the kids drew these amazing cartoon books. Ben's was an ode to me, a Mom he loves "EVRYWARE", with images of me doing all kinds of things for the family. Bodee's was a book about "Banana Boomerang." Gold mine of imagination, right there. And Bronson drew pictures of Piglet that look like adorable amoeba. The tears of joy and relatedness I feel are miraculous.

I write this to remind myself, to sprinkle into the world, that those in-between moments are just as big as the big moments. It's all what we make them. I am causing a Miraculous life...won't you cause a miracle today? That's a world I want to raise my children in..a future I am excited to live into...aren't you???

With Love and Joy
Zen Honeycutt

BEING the Fun

As I drop my two eldest of at the pool for swim lessons I suck in my breath and tell myself, "Ok let's have some fun." I am gearing up for what could be another 30 minute scream session with my almost three year old. Yesterday at this time of the day was an episode out of sheer Mommy Hell Movie. Bronson just couldn't bear it that Ben and Bodee could go for swim lessons and he couldn't (just not available)and he screamed to wake the Gods. I realized standing that with my monster outside the gate drooling at the cool pool in 93 degree heat would probably not be fun for anyone, so I stupidly asked him if he wanted to go swimming at another pool. He looked at me like OF COURSE!!! and lowered the screams into broken whining and crying. I then attempted to get him INTO the swim diaper. At this point in his tantrum, sweating, red faced etc, in retrospect,I could have asked him if he wanted a bath in ice cream and he would have said no. So he said NO to the swim diaper. I took this to mean he was growing up and yes in THAT stage of potty training. Yea! Then I remember he is still screaming.

So we get in the roasting car, buckle up, with Bronson crying like I am strangling him or something, drive to the OTHER pool, unbuckle, get out, walk down the block in the glaring sun and get finally to the pool. I get in, begin to sizzle with gratitude that Bronson has stopped whining for a moment, and then he starts up again. This time he has decided he DOES want his "Diapey". He totally resists even putting his toes in the water. The car is waaaaaaay over there I think....and then realize people are watching me sit in a nice cool pool while my red faced toddler is screaming for a water diaper. Obvioulsy I am not going to drag a toddler who is screaming for a diaper into a pool and risk a huge mess. So I drag myself out of the delicious water into the heat and grumpily haul my screaming toddler back to the car. I give up on the pool. When he learns this, he screams another round of resistance, piercing my brain and puncturing any bubble of hope and patience I had left... and then FINALLY falls asleep. That was yesterday.

Today I am CREATING a different outcome, FUN, Generosity and Creativity. I say creating because I get that reacting to a situation is asking for trouble as a Mom. I can see that if I am reacting a lot,then I am being a lazy parent. I'm not creating anything. I'm tired, resentful, overwhelmed and just plain playing a victim of what I created.
So today I prepare Bronson by telling him we are drop off Ben and Bodee and that we are going for our OWN swim. I say it with glee and anticipation.I describe the Fun we are going to have. He claps and can't wait to get into his swim "diapey" and runs like a gerbil set free towards the pool shouting "Yeaaaaaaa! Fun!"

When we get to the pool we, swim, play bounce and splash together in the big pool. Then we go to the kiddie pool, his domain, and I change things up a bit ( usually we just coexist with the other pool mates) and talk to two other bright faced little girls. I invite them to play Marco Polo with us and pretty soon we are laughing and lunging through the water with utter abandon. I am a child... gleeful, giggling, sputtering, shrieking and shouting. Bronson looks at me with happiness that could lit up a city. The other little girls are fascinated with me. (Usually other people's kids and I find each other mutually and utterly boring.)And I am delighted by them. I experience a stranger's child as a treasure.

As I lay back down, floating in the water with Bronson resting his head on my heart, I sigh with fulfillment. I realize I am in the mode of creating, and it occurs to me that I usually am not. Usually I might get in to "get wet" and then get out again just so I can sit and watch the kids play. I sit on the lounge chair and MONITOR the fun. I watch the fun. I am not, like many of the Nannies or Dads, BEING the fun. I look around and see many Moms lounging and kids playing. Now, there is nothing wrong with lounging. I love to lay around,lounge, please, lounge away...and I also get that rounding out a day at the pool with a good healthy dose of getting off my butt and BEING the fun is where the real joy lies.

When Todd gets home, Bronson exclaims proudly that "I had fun at the pool with Momma!!!." I want to cry. Usually it's just "We went to the pool" or "I had fun at the pool."
I have choice to be a stay at home Mom. I choose to not have two incomes and make that work. I choose to be Mommy NEED Central, the source of filling my kids needs all day. And I choose, by being present with our children, BEING the Fun.

Love, FUN and Joy to all,
Zen Honeycutt

Giving Up or Choosing

Ben has a sad face. He walks towards the car and it gets sadder and longer the closer he gets. He is holding it in and by the time he gets seated and buckled in the dam breaks.
"Oh Mom, it was a terrible day!"
I ask him why, truly concerned. he hasn't had a terrible day in months.
" Today the teacher showed Lydia's art, Lydia's my best friend and she's a good artist, but Ms.Cline showed her art and not mine and she showed the whole class and she's a better artist that I am!!!"
Big crocodile tears are rolling and plopping onto his sweatshirt.
"I used to be the best artist and now I'm not and the teacher never shows my art so I'm not going to be an artist anymore!!!'
It's decisive. He is killing off his artistic expression. "The word decide is from the family pesticide, homicide, insecticide," (to quote leaders from Landmark, a breakthrough personal training and development program),"it kills off something in your life. It is very different from a choice, which is to choose freely after consideration."
Ben was killing something off in his life. It was very difficult for me not to make that wrong, to make him wrong. But I knew making him wrong about that would just have him hold onto his new decision with more vigor than ever before. I just needed to be with it.
"Wow, you are really sad." I said, running my hand over his shiny hair. " Yeah." he said and went onto describe in further detail how he is going to stop making art and instead just spend time with his family. Compassionate, but still limiting. Okay.

I listened while driving until he was completely emptied out, then I pulled the car over.
"Ben can I tell you a story?" He nodded.
"When I was a girl, I took a dance class with my sister Chi. Jazz. We had black outfits with fringe on the arms, we practiced for three months. Then we had a dance recital. Chi was shorter so she was in the front row. I was taller so I was in the back. I was nervous. I really wanted to do it right. At the end of the dance our father came up and said " Wow, Chi what a nice big smile you had, you look like you really enjoyed it!" Then he looked at me and said " Zen, where was your smile?"
In that moment I made up that Chi was a better dancer than I was, that dance was " her thing" and I shouldn't dance. So I didn't. For a long time. I missed out on alot of fun.
Then, when I lived on my own in New York City, I met your Daddy and we took dance lessons together, had a lot of fun and fell in love. I took a chance by dancing again. If I hadn't taken that chance then Daddy and I wouldn't have gotten married and you wouldn't be alive today."
Ben said " Well, that's what I am going to do then, not do art for a long time."
I told him that the point was that I could have been having fun all those years and dancing anyway, it doesn't matter about anyone else. He can do whatever he wants, and he can always change his mind and do art again, today even, either way it's his choice...
He soon, sighed, nodded his head, changed his mind and said he chose to do art again.

As we walked into our home he sighed and said " Thanks for telling me that story Mom, You know, parents are useful. They have been kids and they know stuff." I felt so touched by his simple wisdom and acknowledgement. Oh Thank God, I thought, my child does listen a little bit and does learn a little bit from my experience.

The next day, he came home, beaming, that his teacher had shown his art at the front of the class, shining, happy and still best friends with Lydia. He said he learned from what she did and the whole class learned from what he did. That's my boy!

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

"Just" a Mom

On Mother's Day I find it fitting to come out. As "Just" a Mom.
Yeah, Yeah. I know the connotation is one of condenscention. "Just" as if that is all there is, there is something better and I am "just" sitting in a lounge chair by the pool watching my kids lay on floaties, reading books like little angels,or like there is nothing else that I could be doing, I am good for nothing except being a mom, I am put out, tired, overwhelmed, so that's allI can handle... "Just" like people should feel sorry for me or something.

My ego wants to scream out...but I am not JUST a Mom! I have been a Mompreneur for almost six years, creating a gorgeous product line and company called "Zen's Purple Garden"!
I am a writer too, a wife and I am a trained artist and designer...

Yes. All past experiences. All things I did in the past that need not define my future. Every moment I have a choice. Every moment. I am choosing to be presnt with my kids.
Just because two people are married doens't mean the person has to come home to you at night, and you don't have to be there waiting for them. Every day is a choice, every moment is a choice.
So often I choose to do two or three things at once, be a Mompreneur of a company, start a Non Profit, raise two children, be pregnant and create a Green Earth Festival. SUPER Mom it. Somewhere in there my kids and husband hope for the crumbs of me that are left over.

We Moms do that, we multi task on some many levels that we forget where we started, what our intention was, or where we put our keys and then wonder why we are exhausted at three in the afternoon. We don't leave any room to JUST be a Mom.
To focus, to be present, to be a Mom and only a Mom, is such an empowering place to come from, such a generous gift to give our children, I choose JUST being a Mom and I am excited by the possibilities of what we are going to create.
Yes, I will continue to do Zen's Purple Garden when it works for our family, and eventually, when I cause completion with integrity, I will stop. I don't have a feeling of sorrow or failure about that. I am choosing a new focus.
I will continue to write as my creative self expression, and when I DO those things I will JUST do those things. And my writing is in complete alignment with my being a Mom, in fact my Just being a Mom inspires and feeds my writing. I may home school, which will be tremendously inspiring for us and my book. It's all one.

AND who I am being when I do those things and everything else, when I am listening to my child, helping them with their homework, reading to them, and yes occasionally, sitting by the pool...I am JUST a Mom. It is a distinctive shift. It's a big deal. I am not resisting what's happening and thinking that my time would be much better used doing some errand or selling or marketing. I am present, lit up with aliveness, inspired by their energy and love for the world,choosing them, being their Mom, listening, empowering, creating the life of our dreams even when it's not going the way we wanted it to, as Just a Mom, I am creating them to have the power and self expresssion to behave in a way that has them be proud of who they are in the face of any circumstance.

I am JUST their for them, wholly and completely, moment to moment. I am making a singular and complete choice. Empowering. Just. A. Mom.
There is freedom in choosing a singular focus. In fact a Buddhist monk said "The purpose of meditation is not to empty the mind, for nothingness, but a steadfastness of a singular focus."

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

The Best Mother's Day Gift EVER

It's Mother's Day tomorrow.
I won't lie. The day is rife with expectations. In my good moments I am just at peace and grateful, loving my kids and husband and I am so glad they are alive.

Most of the time however, the Expectation Monster is clawing at my brain.
I deserve a FABULOUS Mother's day Gosh Darn it!
When my two sons spit, scream and yell, accusing each other of killing gold fish and threatening to kill any future pets, at the Dinner Table, oh Man!, I deserve a gold star the size of the house.

When I run six errands in a day, wipe toxic poo off a squirmy, resistant, butt two to three times a day, and then make meals for five, all without anyone getting sick or injured, oh Man! I deserve a spa vacation.

When I find rotten apples under the car seat, along with stinky socks, someone's lost R2D2 Lego and the missing library book, for God's Sake, I at least deserve a THANK YOU or a pretty diamond bracelet.

When my two year old bangs his metal sippy cup up and down on the coach and then WHACK nails my knee cap with it, oh MAN! I deserve a marching band!

And if you are a Mom, Don't YOU???

The thing is, that I get the reality is that I am probably going to get a handmade card, maybe one with yarn twisted into flowers or hearts that turn into butterflies. I might get little wooden bird houses that Daddy bought at Michael's Crafts and sat with the boys while I was grocery shopping and carefully instructed them how and where to paint it...until they started doing whatever they wanted and he said, what the heck, Go For it! and they did...
What I will probably get is Daddy making breakfast and the boys maybe helping him with the juice cup or a flower on the tray. What I will probably get is Daddy thinking about what would look pretty on the plate for me and the boys adding their extra special touch, all filing in together, all giving me kisses, all in their underwear, fuzzy messy hair, smiling their early morning puffy faced smiles.

What I will get is Daddy thinking like a Mommy for the day, taking care of all the little details,the dishes, the napkins and boys cooperating, and the boys thinking about what will make Mommy happy. More than any diamond or marching band, that will be the best gift of all, because when my husband GETS what attention to detail it takes, what fore planning, what patience and generosity it takes to Be a MOM, then I feel gotten, appreciated and loved.
And when my boys smile their smiles to make me happy, my heart rejoices in the gift they are to me, the best gift ever.

Happy Mother's day to you and your Mother. May your expectations go on vacation and you be present and peaceful with the people who love you so.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

It’s All His Fault: My Son and a Bully

It’s happening again. I see my eight year old son walking toward me on the side walk with heaviness and resignation that, if I were in the privacy of my own room, could have me weep.
I am present, however, and a Mom, and I am very aware of the brief window of time I have to listen to my son talk about his day before playing, homework and brotherly bickering begin to dilute the reality of his occurrence. Later in the day, what happened at school becomes more and more of a fabrication, a story to tell to entertain, dramatize or garnish pity or attention. Nothing wrong with that…I just want to get to the source of his disempowerment sooner rather than later.

So I kiss his cheek with verocity, rub my hand through his shiny, deep walnut colored hair and let him settle into the car. Then I ask him how his day was. He sighs.
“Not that much good, Mom”
“Oh? What happened?”
“Well John choked me again. And did karate moves on me.”
“Oh Wow." My Mother Tiger neck hairs are stirring, and yet I am careful not to get worked up. He’s here, his neck is not marked, I am listening.
“Yeah, and I know what you are going to say, What did you do? Did you tell him to stop??? But I did Mom and he didn’t stop no matter what I said, he grabbed me around the neck and didn’t stop!!!” His frustration is bubbling over now, is face getting the rush of red anger, his lip beginning to quiver.
The sorrow in my heart drops into my stomach like a rusty anchor from an old ship. Clunk.

I have heard about him getting picked on many times before. We have coached him, written emails to the teacher, showed him the block move. For a moment I make up in my head that this is just the way it is going to be, my son is just going to get picked on, and it’s all the darn bullies’ parents and the bullie's fault…and ok maybe my fault too. Then I remember that as a parent it is my job not to control the circumstances or other people, it’s not my job to protect him from being hurt ever, it is to teach him to be powerful in any situation. I remember that things happen to all of us, people behave in ways that we don’t like…we can’t control that. It’s who we are being that makes the difference and empowers us in our life. In order to empower him, it’s not about me telling him what to do, it’s about getting into his world, his occurrence of it all, that will make a difference for him.
So I ask him, “What else do you want to say about it?”
And he settles down, pours it all out, and I listen to the woe and anguish of being Ben in second grade with John bullying him everyday at recess. When he’s ready I ask him questions, here and there, like “ What happened then? Or What did that feel like for you?”
Eventually we got to a place where he was done talking about it, had gotten it all out, and then I asked him” Well is there anything you would like to do about this?” Usually I would have assumed he was going to do something about it and just said “ So what are you going to do about this?” But my instinct told me he may have resisted that assumption. It’s all about choice in life.
He thought about it.
“ Well maybe…remember when Dad showed me the block move? Are there other moves you could teach me?”
We went home, I used my experience as a little sister to teach Ben some moves to get out of a choke hold and being grabbed from behind. It was fun and he was empowered.

The next day he came home even more disempowered. "The moves didn’t work." he said dejectedly. John just knocked him down. He wasn’t fast enough…he couldn’t figure it out. It was written all over his face. He had a bad day and it was all John's fault. What we resist persists, said the coach in my head. Just be with it.

This time I was determined to listen more and just not try to fix it. He talked about it and I didn’t ask him what he wants to do about it. I just got his feelings...it was like I dropped everything and sat down with him in this yucky mud puddle of sad feelings and just sat there with him. We wallowed together. Eventually, he was done with that and we got up and went about our day with no mentioning of fixing anything.

Today, he walked toward me with a perky stride in his step. Before he is even settled into the car he begins to share, “Mom it was a really, really, really good day. I found out that I was saying bad words to John about his karate moves that he doesn’t like so we made a deal. I won’t say those words and he won’t do karate on me.” He is talking so fast that he stumbles over his words, so excited in his triumph that the words really don’t do the joy justice.
His face is bright and shiny, soft and happy, confident and proud.
My heart is free and surprised and delighted.
“ Wow Ben! High five!” We smack hands happily. “What did you do to make that deal?”
“ Oh, I just talked to him.” It was simple.
“ You did! You listened too. You got his point of view.”
“Yeah, he has his point of view, too.”
“You also took responsibility for your actions too, Ben. That’s awesome. That’s where you got your power to have things go the way you want. Are you proud of yourself?”
“Yeah, I am.”

He may not have ever wanted to be friends with John, and he may never be. But there is so much more possible now for his life, the confidence, power and ability to alter his life, now that he has listened and taken responsibility. There is that old saying that when you point a finger at someone else there are actually three fingers pointing back at yourself. Ben got that. And not because I told him what to do, not because he “should” be friends, but because he was vulnerable and shared his life with me and I gave him the space to just share how it really is for him, without planning it, without judging, assessing or fixing and then he took on his life for himself.

I am glad I am writing this down, because something tells me I might need to remember this now and then, especially in the teen age years.
Thank you Ben for being courageous and creating your life responsibly. And for being generous and sharing your life with me. I learn from you and I love you endlessly.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Kids, I give you Nothing.

I am sitting at a huge round dinner table with three of my classmates and their parents from the graduating class Parsons School of Design, 1996. We are up on the balcony, and can see below, the tables gathered around the runway, and the exciting top designers, like Tommy Hilfiger and Donna Karan that have come to support the up and coming fashion designers. We are not entirely sure why Fergie is there, but we are all in a buzz, seeing her red hair and smile amidst the sea of black cocktail dresses and tuxedos.

One at a time, they call the student winners of each mentor designer's group to the stage to accept their awards. I realize, with a sudden sadness, that all of us at the table, save one, is receiving an award. I feel awkward for a moment, sad for my friend. Then I realize she isn't sad at all. In fact, she looks genuinely happy for us. I go down to the stage, walk in tiny steps across the stage in my skin tight, electric blue, rubber dress, dizzy with joy of the moment. The "Gold Thimble Award" is a real gold thimble, the several hundred people before me are real important people in the industry. It all seems so very, very, important.
When I get back to the table, and my friend is smiling so lovingly at me, I remember that she is the only one out of all of us that actually already has a job in the fashion design industry. Several weeks before Banana Republic came to interview at our school and hired our friend Cathy on the spot. I know why, too. She is delightful. Her warm and joyous smile makes anyone feel happy and calm. She is genuine, honest, funny and always looks on the bright side.
She got the job, not just because she is a creative fashion designer, but because of who she was being.
That's what is important.

At a recent birthday party, as several Moms discussed the classes we are putting our kids into after school, french, swim, chinese, art, soccer, tennis, math tutoring etc...I was compelled to tell them this story. Because in the end, our kids will get their dream jobs,or become entrepreneurs, not because they are the smartest or most accomplished,or because of what they know, but because of who they are BEING.
We parents are the only ones who are going to actually take the time to teach them and guide them from that perspective. Teachers don't have time, with their classrooms of increasingly ballooning sizes of 36 or more, to actually coach kids on being responsible, being humorous, being a person of integrity and compassion. No, teachers, bless their hearts for what they take on, need to get to the next chapter and meet the standards set before them. If the child doesn't stop talking, or start answering, they get just consequences and move on.
We parents are the ones that need to take the time to talk with them about who they are being.

If a child has ten after school activities, when do they get a chance to just BE?
We are a culture that is so busy doing, doing, doing...sports, tutoring, games, practice, classes...what about the joy in watching them play with their stuffed animals in bed, or perform a dance or song? That's a dance or song they never would have made up had they been in soccer or Chinese school. That's a self expression that never would have been created had they been in tee ball. They are imagining, creating and developing who they choose to be...they need time, and nothing, to do that. In fact they need more of NOTHING and LESS of outside sources to create.
So kids, I happily give you Nothing today.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with after school activities. But Moms, there is nothing wrong if they are not in them either. In fact, it is just as important for them to have afternoons of NOTHING planned, including no TV or computer, so they can generate themselves. Bored? Good! Go create something! But, but...what about everyone else? Judy's kid is playing chess already, Martha's kid takes a language and three sports.
So? That's them, That's their life. My kids have their life. There is no race, there is no scarcity of time for them to learn. They will learn, they will do...I vote for them, and empower them, to just BE now.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Ready, Set .....GO Time!

It is 6:54 AM and I enter the kitchen, just about ready to leave to drive up to Santa Barbra to sell for my business, to find my husband sitting at the kitchen table at his laptop, in his pajamas. No shower, no shave, just sitting there clacking away...
GRRRRRRR!
When he asked the night before what the plan was, I told him we were leaving early in the morning for Santa Barbra. HE said "We should leave at 7:00."
I unwisely took that to mean that we would LEAVE at 7:00....obviously ...he meant he would stop writing at 7:00 and then start getting ready. I should expect departure time to be well, sometime after the shower, shave and a sundry of other habits...one which includes a maddeningly slow sauntering between the house and the car when he has to go back to retrieve something he left behind...maddening! Insanity!!! Meandering like we are in a museum just drifting along and admiring 17th century art!

By the time we are in the car leaving at 7:30 something, I am fuming like a steam power plant, totally stressed out about being in time and sputtering obscenities under my breath, trying to eat my breakfast all the while (which was the only reason I didn't kill him on the spot, he did make my breakfast to go before I came into the kitchen). I am getting a stomachache, completely distraught that our "day out together" is starting out like a big turd, and filled with anxiety about what happens if we don't get there on time and are turned away after the two and a half hour drive.
I am being a harpy....you know a stressed out human being of the female species. We tend to do that when we are stressed. It sounds like I am making myself wrong and my husband wrong doesn't it? Well, maybe I am, just to create the world of it.

Really though, when I reflect on it, WHAT IS THAT?
That which has us in a pattern of saying we are going to leave on time...we don't and then we are stressed out and angry at each other on the way to what is supposed to be a fun family outing, a precious date night or time to go see family. We don't want to be stressed but we are. What IS that? Why does that keep happening?

Now I know on a fundamental level it is all about integrity. If we don't do what we are committed to, than nothing that we are committed to will work. So we just didn't honor our word. That I get. I tend to however, end up in "make wrong" there...make myself wrong, make my husband wrong...

So I take another look...What Happened was we said we would leave at 7:00. What Happened was Todd just started to get ready at 7:00.
What I made it mean when he did not was that he doesn't care, we are going to miss out, it's the end of the world etc...so I got stressed.

With my PAX work I can also add the perspective of looking at this situation and just get the differences between a man and a woman.

Single focused man. Hears 7:00, moves at 7:00. That's all.

As a responsible woman it suddenly dawns on me that when we agree on a time, that time, as a man, might be the time that he is going to transition from doing what he is focused on to what I need from him.
He would be empowered by having time to transition.

So I am creating "Ready, Set GO time!"
First, get Ready....meaning a sweet reminder perhaps 5 minutes before it's time to transition, 6:25....like a runner who stretches, jogs for a bit and shakes to loosen up.
Then to get Set, 6:30 ( which I am sure he will do on his own, but if not, then again a sweet reminder)which is to actually get in place to make the transition, in this case to close up the lap top...like the runner who bends down, puts feet in place, in the position, ready to launch down the track.
Then to GO Time! Which is the time to actually get up and Go get ready!...running to the finish line.

Once we are both in action, getting ready, at that point, we can create newly, the departure time as a new point of focus, the finish line. 7:00 would be a sure thing then, we would both win!

Now I hear the voices, For crying out loud, just let the man be responsible and tell him what time and leave him alone, he'll do it. You are not his mother.

Ya ya, I get that. I'm not. I am however responsible for how things go. Everything, everything, everything, from my communication. I can't control him, but I can be someone who has things go the way we are committed to going and have him empowered. Say X and produce X...not Y.

Men are single focused, one thing at a time has them win. That doesn't mean they can't do more than one thing at a time, but they preform at optimal levels when they are the hunter tracking the deer and there is just that one thing to focus on.
If we create anytime to do anything, I can see now that creating a Ready Set Go Time! for getting READY would better empower him, then reminding him, like a cheerleader on the side lines( ie:not a harpy) that our goal time to leave is like the next destination, the finish line.
That's just what I see is missing, is honoring what he is committed to and then empowering him in taking on what's next, what I need from him.

Because I know he wants to do that, make me happy, be there on time, leave peacefully, and be appreciated for what we are doing together... we are both committed to that. And it would be sooooooo much more fun if we did that feeling empowered and excited!!!

So I am going to chuck the harpy out the window this weekend, and try this with Todd and my boys, and will post back later.
What do you think about Ready, Set, GO Time! ???

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

P.S. Thanks to Donna who talked this out with me and really helped me to honor my husband.
Oh and by the Grace of God we did get to Santa Barbara on time, I let it go, and my husband was my hero that day... selling our products like hotcakes, being charming but cool to drunk girls at the wine fest, and moving the heavy boxes like a champ. I don't care what time it is, he can always do that for me.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I am washing the dishes, thinking about this, thinking about that...when the image of an article in Mothering magazine comes to mind. It was a reader's response to an article called "And Baby makes Four". She was talking about how hard it is to transition to two children from one. The lack of attention one gets, the sleepless nights.
I've been there, I get her.
And then she writes " but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel."
I have felt that too. I am so grateful she shared.

And then I think again.
What is the light at the end of the tunnel?
What is the tunnel?
Is the light at the end of the tunnel when they move out?
Is the dark tunnel this thing called parenting?
I know it's all semantics, but I get suddenly, like a dam opening up in my heart, that the light is NOW.

"The light" is not a someday phenomena.
Having children IS the light. Even when they are screaming. Especially when they are screaming. Thank God they can. Thank God they can express and breathe and belt out what they want.
I got very present to NOW. I was moved to tears while doing the dishes.

Since then, I have listened a little longer, kissed more often, smelled their hair more and cuddled them until they squirm away.
I know that things are not always the way we would like them to be, that we can not meet every child's needs at every moment...but something shifted in my heart and consciousness when I got that even then, all is perfect. They are alive and they are light.
And as my Mom might say, so am I. So are you.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

This is a photo of the morning Bronson was born, at home, in the water, and greeted by his brothers after they woke. Better than Christmas.

Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Oh Boy!

Moments of truth from my boys:

After Bronson, 18 months old screeched and I saw Bodee push him, "Bodee! Don't push him, he's just a baby, be careful!" "He's NOT a baby Mom!" "Yes, he is. " I argue pointlessly. Bodee insists, "NOOOOOOOO he isn't, he just hit me too! He's grown up!"


"Mom, he has one eye." Bodee informs me seriously, about a house guest, right in front of him, who indeed has one working eye..."he's like a Pirate! Cool!"

"First you go left, and then right and right again and then left and then right and the Kendo class is right there." Bodee's directions to Kendo class which were exactly correct after the second time.

"I am a Great Artist!" Ben, who is indeed. And in fact just had his art accepted by the City Hall Young Masters Art Show...where's my bumper sticker?

I could go on and on, I have some real gems in their baby journals as well. My boys fascinate me.
The way Bodee lowers his voice like a threatening machine when he talks about Bakugan ( some kind of Japanese robot toy). The way Bronson can take my lipstick out of my purse and with lips pursed and shooting sounds from his mouth, turn it into a deadly weapon, charging at me with fearless gusto. The way Ben can cut paper out and with tape and a marker, create an intricate 3-D pop up scenes of action, adventure and drama.

Boys are such, well...BOYS. And I have a new found marveling at them.
It wasn't always that way. I wanted just one girl eventually and I got three boys...and I admit I sometimes still wanted them to be girls. When they didn't sit and eat dinner quietly for 5 minutes...when they race through the house and use every possible toy as a weapon... when they make joke after joke about poop in front of the neighbors daughter...

I just wonder WHY? Why can't they behave? Be quiet, be calm for just 5 Minutes????
I got this past weekend in the PAX workshop that boys are miraculous little hunters. They are out to show their power, to test and trial and win at everything.
It's natural for them to confront, to get frustrated, to pout and express anger. It's natural for them to help and accomplish as well. They are wonderful at what they do.If I set them up to win, the struggle will cease.

That's not always easy though, to know ahead of time that the boys might leave the fridge slightly ajar and the baby will get in there and dump my sweet and sour sticky sauce all over three shelves of the refrigerator. Nobody wins there unless you count that he got to win by feeling the sensation of smearing the sauce. I guess that's a sensory win. Hang on, he did win, he conquered the lid on the sauce!

So I have a new challenge...setting them up to win. Thinking ahead, and sometimes I do. Today, while Bodee was taking Kendo class...karate with sticks....getting sweaty charging about a room with a big bamboo stick, yelling Japanese phrases at the top of his lungs, Ben was learning how to draw perspective with Mommy as his teacher, and Bronson was playing with preschool type toys in the kids room. They were all doing what they love, being challenged and winning...and I get to feel like the biggest winner of all, a Mom of three boys who hit the Jackpot!