The Summer I Fell in Love

...With Being a Mom.

It came to me the other day in a moment of reflection about this almost-over-summer. This summer was the summer I fell in love with being a Mom. Better late than never. Maybe you fell in love with being a Mom when your baby was born...
I didn't. I was scared. I loved my child, don't get me wrong, when I saw my child I was bewildered with the feelings of wonder, love, protectiveness, fascination and fear. As my baby grunted, cooed, gurgled, nuzzled, yawned and sighed, I fell in love over and over again, but I was not in love with who I was.
I was fearful and quick to anger. If you so much as sneezed around my baby, I tensed and twitched. I became analytical and annoying about the dangers that could befall my child. I was a Debbie Downer (see Saturday Night Live), Paranoid Hermit and a Tiger Mom all in one. I can't say I was much fun.
I didn't exactly charm anyone or delight myself.

Something monumental shifted this summer. This summer I rearranged the molecules of my being. I created the possibility of being The Gateway to Adventure! and inside of that possibility everything shifted. A new realm of possibilities opened up and my world became an opportunity rather than something to survive. Each day became a blank slate to create with my children...and create we did! volcanoes, puppets, musical instruments, clay huts, science projects, and art galore. When I was cleaning or planning to manage the house and our adventures, each moment that they interrupted me with a book to read or story about their lego creation became a sacred moment of sharing.
I did not send them off to summer camp to "get a break from them". I joined them and volunteered and got to be a part of their adventures. This was a huge breakthrough for me. The freedom is like my soul sighing a sense of relief after finding it's home.

I got that I GET TO be The One. The ONE to be there when they are sad, mad or frustrated. Not to fix it, but to get them, to hear their soul speaking and validate their woes. I GET TO be The One to create spontaneity and delight in a moment's notice with a game of tag at the beach or crushing a sand castle. I GET TO Be The One to clap and applaud their piano playing in their underwear and ohhh and ahhhh at their castles made with tunnels of coach pillows. I GET TO be The One to wipe their tears when they cut their head from falling off the bike they just learned to ride (even with the helmet) and later, post staples, to support them in getting back on.

Being a Mom used to be the hardest job in the world, (sigh, sputter, groan) something my husband didn't understand and my Mom friends, although they understood, were too busy with their own trials and tribulations to be of much support to me. I bared it all myself and most of my communications to my husband were complaints that he "needed to hear" or else I would feel invalidated and grumpy for days. Now it's different. It's not that it's not challenging. The kids still resist eating when I make then food and pester me for food when I am trying to fold laundry, but inside of being The Gateway to Adventure, new actions show up, like folding laundry at night while I watch a romantic drama movie ( my kind of adventure) and planning a trip to the Pepper Tree grove for a hike and bringing a picnic lunch. During that adventure they are having too much fun to bug me for food and when we do eat with friends they really get it's time to eat and they do. There is no space for hard when you are having fun. And complaints just don't show up when you are sharing the adventures with your husband. You know what does show up? Connection and romantic adventures! wink wink...the surprise bonus:) Quite delightful.

This summer I created instead of survived. I share my joy in hopes to connect with other Moms who may notice their joy more through reading this.I took my kids off the "To Do" list, like What do I do with them? And become a being of creativity. My boys in turn, got something priceless. They got me. A mother who is not just there for them, but wants to be there for them and gets her value of being there for them. I am present, caring, creative, engaged and endearing. My heart celebrates with Moms who get this, you have inspired me for years. My heart aches for all Moms to have this relationship, not just with their kids, but with themselves. I wish for all Moms to know to the core of their being that their presence, creativity and attention is the greatest gift they can give their family. Them. Exactly the way they are. There is nothing to fix or better way to be but to be present. Be curious. And in being all about them, you get all of yourself. You get the immense gift that YOU are to the world.
You. Mom.

Zen Honeycutt

Digging and Sharing: the Phenomena of Facebook

The AC is broken and it's so hot I walk around in my bathing suit and periodically hop in and out of the cold shower. Water drips from between my legs onto the tile floor and my three year old suspects me of peeing. It's then that I decide we are going to the beach as soon as possible. Miraculously my husband comes home early from work and by 6 pm we are on the beach, and I am looking at my sexy man talk about something with the spray of ocean water misting over his tan face. I am so grateful for him, his job and for where we live. I breathe and sigh and then cool off in the rushing ocean. It is perfect.

Our sons are digging holes in the sand. My eldest is digging one especially large, and by 7pm we have to put the kabosh on digging deeper and tell him to only dig wider. When he protests I tell him that some people have died from large sand holes collapsing around them. I hate to do this, scare him with tales of death, but I think sometimes sharing an example of what could happen is much more related than simply saying "because I said so." There is honor in an explanation. In hind site, there is creation in wonder and asking him what he thought would happen, is more effective. I usually do that...but sometimes velocity in communication trumps all. The beach is too wonderful of a place to linger on what bad things could happen. Just dig.

Later, as the sun is setting, the kids all jump in the massive hole and we let it collapse around them, cheating death, living on the edge, and they are filled with glee. Then Ben jumps up the stairs, leaving the beach declaring, "I dug the biggest hole ever! I can't wait to tell my friends!"

I realize that his experience and desire to share it is an inspired human creation. It's not necessary for his friends to know about this hole, it's not even important. But to him, it creates joy to share it, it enlivens him and deepens his experience of being fully alive. I realize that is what drives our connections in friendships, in Facebook and Twitter. Our desire to share, to connect, to have witnesses to our triumphs and pain has us feeling fully alive. It is an entirely new phenomena that we are sitting on the beach, watching a sunset and have the ability to share the moment with 700 Facebook friends. In all my 39 years, I never experience that before a year or so ago. I have always wanted to share moments like this with everyone and just never could before. Now I can. It becomes almost instinctual...great dinner, the idea to share it pops up, kids making funny faces or beautiful flowers...gotta post it. Sometimes I don't, I just live in the moment, but sometimes I do. People can be quite annoyed by this new trend, but I find it inspiring.

Tapping into the human desire to connect was genius on Zuckerberg's part, whether his idea or not. By executing Facebook, by creating Twitter, whomever did that, the creator's capitalized on a human desire that will never cease. We want to share, to celebrate, to shout our triumph's to the world, and now, via the internet we can literally do that. We want to be acknowledged or "liked", we want to connect with others, either from our past or make new friends. We want to complain and get sympathy and empathy and feel connected to our common disappointment in the status quo. Our ability to share that we have just dug the "biggest hole ever!" expands our joy just a little bit longer. My son doesn't get to post on Facebook yet, he just wants to tell his friends, but if he had an account, he would and there would be nothing wrong with that. Can you imagine the world of what kids would share? Big sand holes, brother's funny faces, photos of rear ends, super duper messes, mighty forts and miles of train tracks. By sharing, we get to share our world and peek into other's.We feel that our accomplishment is then known and heard throughout the greater world and we have made a mark, for a moment, that will float in the "cloud" forever. There is a sense of completion with sharing. And with completion comes the space to move on and create something new.

Although some think that Facebook and Twitter distract from human socialization, I suggest that they expand the very essence of socialization and connection. It is sheer delight to see that my friends in San Francisco, New York and England have read and "liked" or commented on a post. Not just because of me, but because of who they are to me. I get to connect to that, to them, to who THEY are, to their friendship and love for a tiny moment of the day, and that makes the moment HUGE.

Zen Honeycutt

The Gateway to Adventure

Last summer I was on survival mode. I planned camp for the kids for every other week and got panicky when I had a whole week ahead of me with them. What to do every day and how will I get them to either stop watching TV or stop fighting?
But it wasn't just that. I had fear. Fear that if they didn't stop watching TV ie: listen to me...or fighting, that I would yell at them and my yelling, my out of control anger would mess them up. My real fear about a whole summer with the kids was not about them. I love them. It was about me being with them... I was afraid that I would somehow mess my kids up.Forever.

I saw this summer that that was not empowering, totally inauthentic to who I am, and just NOT FUN.

So I created something new. Who I am is the possibility of Love,Generosity and Amazing Adventures! Really, who I am is the Gateway to ADVENTURE!

Inside of that, summer is so fun! And surprising! And spontaneous! I have a theme for everyday of the week, Magical Musical Monday, Terrific Scientific Tuesday, Wonderful Nature Wednesday, "My Surprise!" Thursday and Artsy Fartsy Friday. Yes we have our adventures in laziness too, but each day I create a new activity with whatever supplies we have, according to the theme, the kids look forward to it and I do to.
We have been camping in bear country and crabbin' in Connecticut. We have been to caves and mountains and seas...and I have been their sole caretaker for a month straight, 24, 7. I have taught them to cut fish heads and they have learned to ride bikes. One has claimed archery as his sport and the other wakes me up playing the Indiana Jones theme song on the piano. How's THAT for adventure! They have fought muddy, water sponge fort wars and sawed and hammered wooden catapults. They have sung silly songs around campfire, made new friends and swam with old ones. They have had a lifetime of adventure in a month and it's not stopping.
These things would not have been possible, sharing these adventures together, if I was still being the fearful and surviving the summer.

They only went to camp for one full week this summer (the camp they WANTED to go to), and I went with them and volunteered and had amazing adventures with them. The two older boys went with Daddy for a long Cub Scout weekend and I had alone time with Bronson. No "break from the boys". But it doesn't occur to me that I "need" one. I am not surviving my boys. I am so present, when we are hiking together, or learning why we burp or playing "Will it freeze?" that I GET TO be home with them and create adventures with them. It is my honor and privilege. It is a sacred gift of time. Even when they are screaming at each other, although it sometimes feels unbearable, I GET to be the one to have them sort it out. I GET to be the one to be with them and their feelings, good or bad.

Sure, I take time to write while they play legos I love my time of peace and alone time too, I am not attached at the hip with them constantly. But my life is free now, either way, not a burden. My sleep is deep and restorative. The gratitude I have for my husband providing this life for us and out partnership, is unlike I have ever imagined. It is deep and energizing. My days are filled with adventures with the boys and I cherish each day. I also feel proud of who I am as a Mom. Inside of being the Gateway to Adventure, there is no way I can mess them up. Messes will happen, sure, but they are their own adventurers, on their own path and I am just the gateway. It's their life. I don't always get the dishes done right away and sometimes I still holler for them to put their shoes on, but it's all inside of an adventure called a CREATED life, that we get to share, on our way, each day together.

Wishing you many free and wondrous adventures!

Zen Honeycutt

The Song of Summer

The stretch of summer would loom before me, endless days and weeks with my three boys home every day. Every. Day. Home, with me, cooped up, antsy, or perhaps lazy, laying around watching way too much TV and aggravated by the idea of going outside on our hot, baking brick patio to play. My mind would go into panic mode. WHAT am I going to DO with them all summer? I knew I had the beach and lots of activities in So Cal, but with every day being ALL ON ME, with three active boys, I was stressed. I would scour the parenting magazines and city rec guides for camps. I would declare that my husband's bonus would be the source of paying for the multiple camps and when he balked I would not budge. I would get tight lipped and edgy because he didn't understand....HE wasn't the one home all summer with their whining and fighting and belligerent bad manners. They were mostly good boys, but they were boys all the same. We had our moments where I felt like I was going to crush them all like HULK woman and a whole summer of that would surely put me over the edge. So I booked them with activities. We might have a week in between camps, but when we did we simply stayed home and if I really tell the truth they probably watched 5 hours of TV most days. Embarrassing. Boring. Exhausting. And it definitely induced those cranky fights I dreaded. After the TV went off the screeching accusations, grabbing and aggressive behavior was enough to make me either scream so loud I avoided the neighbors for weeks, or I would resist, resent and retreat and shut the door for far too long to be considered being an actual parent.Then I would regret. Disgraceful. Dangerous even. I was a disapointment of a Mom...to myself.
I was just surviving the summer. Fun was stifled.

This summer is completely transformed. It's like I have a new song. I created the possibility of Adventure, Love and Generosity and my world has entirely shifted. Through my seminar at Landmark and my weekly buddy calls, I have created being accountable for my life in a whole new way. Maybe other Moms got this when they first had kids, I am just grateful I got it now. I am the source of my happiness as a mother, not my kids. Not the circumstances like, whether it is summer or hot or not or they are sick or not or we have extra room in the budget or not. No. No matter what, I am the source of my happiness as a mother and I am the source of how our household goes. I set the tone.
So I set it. Adventure is our tone. Love and Generousity is who I am being.

This summer the boys went to one week long summer Cub Scout camp and I went with them and volunteered. I got to be in their world and it was dirty and busy and filled with raucous summer camp songs! A week an a half later the older boys went to a weekend camp with Daddy and I stayed home with Bronson. 100% Bronson and Mommy time. No "break from the kids." And I am not in the least bit tweaked out by that. We could afford camp, I just don't have the need to send them, the panic is gone. I am planning fun days, and we are thoroughly enjoying each other's company.

Today as we watched a YOUtube video and learned how to make origami swans and ninja stars I just relished learning something new with them. We created something together. I didn't just tell them to do it and walk away to do dishes. I sat, got curious, we struggled, we started again and we completed them. I learned something new and creative with my kids rather than paying someone else to do it. The swans are our trophies of a successful summer day.

I realize that my boys have been delightful and surprising the past couple weeks of being home. They have been asking to help around the house,they have been reading and doing math when I request it. They have been playing with each other as the bestest of friends in the world and hardly fighting. They care about what I ask them to do too. I got that the more time I spend with them, the closer and more bonded we are. The closer the bond, the more loving we are and the more agreeable they are to cooperate with me and the more FUN we have. The more time I spend with them, the more I want to spend time with them.

Later when I rested and watched a cooking show while they played legos, we got inspired by the cookies, so we made four different kinds because it's summer and we get to do WHATEVER WE WANT, whenever want. I felt so joyful, free, so grateful and so in love with my kids and my life.

When I sent my husband Todd a picture of us doing origami and baking cookies he emailed me back..."statistics are that So Cal parents are paying ten of thousands of dollars per year for enrichment for their kids. You are doing that with them. What you are doing is priceless."
My eyes welled up with tears. My husband, whom I once thought secretly wished I was making money to contribute to the family and doing something he could be proud of, was acknowledging that the choice we made for me to be a Stay at Home Mom, was priceless.
The greatest adventure is one of love and generosity... I wish you many such adventures, and may every day be summer and full of songs.

Zen Honeycutt

The Grass is Greener

The water tastes sweeter here, the rain more gentle and frequent, the dew last longer and the scent of dirt is stronger. The grass is greener with lushness and the air is filled with floral freshness that wakes you up and says "YES!". There is nothing like Connecticut country living.
The hills roll more roundly here and the country roads more curvy. There is an abundance of everything that has you breath deeply more often and sigh...more green, more rain, more song birds and more daffodils that bloom again and again. More acreage, more horses, more stone walls covered in flat minty green lichen. More geese, more morning doves, more wild herbs and more love of good hard work. Maybe it's all the beauty around us or the change of seasons that drive us, whatever it is, New Englander's have more gumption. We are do-it-yourselfer's boot strappin' folk. We don't pay nobody to do something we can do ourselves. The satisfaction is what country living is about.

Doing it all myself has gotten me in a bit of trouble here and there though...a lot of last minute scrambling and projects not quite what I wanted ...and I have been expanding my mindset after living in California for twelve years. I am still a country girl at heart, and I got a dose of fast-walking-New-York-City girl blood in me after ten years of pounding the pavement there, but as a California girl, I learned to slow down, to look people in the eye and say hi and enjoy it. I have learned to connect, create partnership, play nice and work well with others. I have learned that you get more done with a team and yes, honey does work better than vinegar, and no it doesn't always work to get mad when people are late and or do everything myself. California has taught me it's okay to chill and play, to see the abundance and roll in it. To feast my eyes on greenness and not see work, shrubs that need to be trimmed or weeds that need to be whacked, but to see the dew drops and spider webs and marvel at them so long that my knees ache. I am grateful for the shift in my perspective from having lived in New York and California. I see Connecticut as more delightful now, and my gratitude has me be at ease.

Enjoying Connecticut living has me be more quiet now too. There is no air of having to prove something like I take on in California. I can drive for an hour with my Dad and just stare at the trees hugging the roads. I can stain cedar siding with my brother and just enjoy the satisfaction of working together. I can sit by the pond with my Mom and just point to a Great Blue Heron. Everything else is said with a sigh of appreciation. We can just be in Connecticut.

There is something magical in being in nature for the boys too. They hardly fight. They run and play and catch dragon flies and leopard frogs and then fish and throw pine cones at snakes. They interact with nature. They break sticks and dig stuff up. They revel in the stink of Skunk Cabbage and marvel at the glow of a Buttercup flower under their chins. They run with bare feet and fall on gravel and get up with determination. They get dirty and crusty toed. But somehow they seem cleaner than ever. They have to be wrangled into a shower once a week. Their hair is thick and shiny and their skin is rosey and clear. Their shouts of glee when they catch something is worth more than the fee of a summer camp. Their faces of awe when their uncle builds them a tree fort is worth more than their weight in gold. Summer in Connecticut is priceless. I hope you get to experience nature like this often in your life.