Dinner time is OUR Time

This is a follow up to "I Hate Dinnertime!" blog post from a few days ago.
Dinnertime was not fun. Pretty unpleasant for a week or so. Then I got present that I could create something and transform this area of my life.
I took a good look at it and what I had already been doing:

I was resisting making dinner until the last minute. It was a big "I HAVE to."
I was making dinner with a left over pile of dishes from earlier in the day stacked up around me...UGH and feeling like “it’s all on me” and stressing out.
I was throwing whatever food there was together, really bored with the food I was cooking and practically slapping it on the table.
I was hollering at the kids to help set the table like they are in trouble, as if they should have known already, read my mind or something and have the table set without me even asking. They were in trouble before dinner even started!
I was sitting down and saying grace in a rush.
I was getting really upset and resentful with the kids for putting their elbows on the table, maybe even feet on the table, playing with their napkin and not eating... or eating with their fingers. I would snap at them and feel a rush of anger.
I was yelling at them to eat at the table and someone often cried.
I was comparing my kids to how I think I was, an obedient child at the table and I am making them totally wrong.
I was wanting to quit being a part of this family.

The result was I had a miserable dinner experience. I had an experience of myself as a failure of a Mom.
I had a clenched stomach and kids with stomach aches after dinner.
I had kids who were being yelled at at a time of day when all we all wanted is to be together and enjoy each other.
I had a husband who worked all day to provide for us and came home to a stressful dinner and resentful wife.
This really, really doesn't work for me.
When I really looked at myself, who I was being was focused on my own stress.
I was being angry, unpleasant and frustrated.
But I was right to be this way. I was justified because of the way the kids were behaving!
When I looked further though, and really told the truth on myself, I could see I was being a victim of my own creation... the three kids, family, the idea of a nice dinner, was all my doing and yet "woe is me!". " I can't take it!"

When I blogged last week, I really got to see that what is probable is that I will continue yelling at dinner, having a miserable dinner and husband and kids who don't feel honored and appreciated, and I will, most likely, continue being angry, unpleasant, frustrated and self centered and continue to have miserable dinners.
That's just the way it's going to continue to go!

That was not okay for me. I know I could survive it. People do. I could. It could keep going like that, but I am committed to an extraordinary life, to creating love and aliveness, so I got to work.

I looked at what was missing that would make a difference and I saw being present, engaged in life, really creating dinner time as special was missing. What was missing was honoring my husband and seeing joy in my kids. I could see that being present, honor and joy is missing. And what that would make available is Loving Ease and Grace!

So I created the possibility of Loving Ease and Grace and suddenly a whole new world of possibilities opened up for me. I began to think like a southern belle, a hostess, and wonder what I could create. I dug out our fancy table cloth and china. I asked Mom friends for creative ideas. Last night I set up the dinner table a half hour ahead of time and when I put a candle on the table, the kids came over, curious and wanting to help. They set the table like a couple of adorable helpers, even folding the napkins. I cleaned the kitchen well in advance and made a delicious salmon dinner with dill, zucchini and roasted potatoes and brownie sundaes for dessert. When my husband came home with the candle lit and table set, I knew he felt honored. I was proud to place that dinner on the table that looked beautiful and my son even asked to do something which I had started from creating the possibility of Loving Ease and Grace, which was each say the rose, thorn and bud, from our day, the best thing, worst thing and something we learned. ( Thanks Pam for that idea!) The kids enjoyed taking turns and even though my husband had a bad day ( his father is in the hospital and work is piling up) I got that I could hold the space at the dinner table for us all to be connected anyway. And when my son puts his knee up and the other one was taking an eternity to eat, I saw that my automatic way of reacting would be to demand for them to stop, get loud and unpleasant. Inside of my possibility of Loving Ease and Grace, however, I simply whispered to them, and asked them whether or not that behavior was appropriate. They were surprised and corrected their behavior. No tears. No yelling. I got that I get to hold the space for the future of good table manners and in the meantime I am THE ONE to create loving ease and grace right now, matter what. I really got that it was ME all along that was creating the anger and miserable dinner, not them. They are having a blast eating with their fingers and playing with their napkins. It was ME that was making dinnertime upsetting by getting angry about it and yelling. I don't have to be that way! I could come from loving ease and grace no matter what.

So last night, my kids ate, shared about their day, felt heard and special.
And it wasn't the table cloth, china or brownie sundaes that made it special, it was me being responsible for creating the ambiance and being loving ease and grace.

At the end of the night my husband thanked me for the dinner and said that it really meant alot to him after the day he had, that I had dinner be that way for him and the family. The way his body relaxed showed that he felt supported and honored. He shared all about his day, which is something that probably wouldn’t have happened if we had all been yelling at each other at dinner the way we had been.
As he shared about his day, I got that everything he does is for us, and I am committed to him feeling love, support and the gratitude we have for him, everyday, and did last night, and will continue to, from me, being The ONE to get present and create from the possibility of Loving Ease and Grace.

Thank you Landmark Education and everyone who attends for the daily miracles of relatedness I get to create using this work and your coaching.
www.landmarkeducation.com
I get to have what matters most to me, present to the miracles of love in my family.

Zen Honeycutt

The Summer I Fell in Love

...With Being a Mom.

It came to me the other day in a moment of reflection about this almost-over-summer. This summer was the summer I fell in love with being a Mom. Better late than never. Maybe you fell in love with being a Mom when your baby was born...
I didn't. I was scared. I loved my child, don't get me wrong, when I saw my child I was bewildered with the feelings of wonder, love, protectiveness, fascination and fear. As my baby grunted, cooed, gurgled, nuzzled, yawned and sighed, I fell in love over and over again, but I was not in love with who I was.
I was fearful and quick to anger. If you so much as sneezed around my baby, I tensed and twitched. I became analytical and annoying about the dangers that could befall my child. I was a Debbie Downer (see Saturday Night Live), Paranoid Hermit and a Tiger Mom all in one. I can't say I was much fun.
I didn't exactly charm anyone or delight myself.

Something monumental shifted this summer. This summer I rearranged the molecules of my being. I created the possibility of being The Gateway to Adventure! and inside of that possibility everything shifted. A new realm of possibilities opened up and my world became an opportunity rather than something to survive. Each day became a blank slate to create with my children...and create we did! volcanoes, puppets, musical instruments, clay huts, science projects, and art galore. When I was cleaning or planning to manage the house and our adventures, each moment that they interrupted me with a book to read or story about their lego creation became a sacred moment of sharing.
I did not send them off to summer camp to "get a break from them". I joined them and volunteered and got to be a part of their adventures. This was a huge breakthrough for me. The freedom is like my soul sighing a sense of relief after finding it's home.

I got that I GET TO be The One. The ONE to be there when they are sad, mad or frustrated. Not to fix it, but to get them, to hear their soul speaking and validate their woes. I GET TO be The One to create spontaneity and delight in a moment's notice with a game of tag at the beach or crushing a sand castle. I GET TO Be The One to clap and applaud their piano playing in their underwear and ohhh and ahhhh at their castles made with tunnels of coach pillows. I GET TO be The One to wipe their tears when they cut their head from falling off the bike they just learned to ride (even with the helmet) and later, post staples, to support them in getting back on.

Being a Mom used to be the hardest job in the world, (sigh, sputter, groan) something my husband didn't understand and my Mom friends, although they understood, were too busy with their own trials and tribulations to be of much support to me. I bared it all myself and most of my communications to my husband were complaints that he "needed to hear" or else I would feel invalidated and grumpy for days. Now it's different. It's not that it's not challenging. The kids still resist eating when I make then food and pester me for food when I am trying to fold laundry, but inside of being The Gateway to Adventure, new actions show up, like folding laundry at night while I watch a romantic drama movie ( my kind of adventure) and planning a trip to the Pepper Tree grove for a hike and bringing a picnic lunch. During that adventure they are having too much fun to bug me for food and when we do eat with friends they really get it's time to eat and they do. There is no space for hard when you are having fun. And complaints just don't show up when you are sharing the adventures with your husband. You know what does show up? Connection and romantic adventures! wink wink...the surprise bonus:) Quite delightful.

This summer I created instead of survived. I share my joy in hopes to connect with other Moms who may notice their joy more through reading this.I took my kids off the "To Do" list, like What do I do with them? And become a being of creativity. My boys in turn, got something priceless. They got me. A mother who is not just there for them, but wants to be there for them and gets her value of being there for them. I am present, caring, creative, engaged and endearing. My heart celebrates with Moms who get this, you have inspired me for years. My heart aches for all Moms to have this relationship, not just with their kids, but with themselves. I wish for all Moms to know to the core of their being that their presence, creativity and attention is the greatest gift they can give their family. Them. Exactly the way they are. There is nothing to fix or better way to be but to be present. Be curious. And in being all about them, you get all of yourself. You get the immense gift that YOU are to the world.
You. Mom.

Zen Honeycutt