Everyday a New Man

As a parent, the most important relationship I have is not the one with my child. This may seem mean, but it isn't. The most important relationship is with my husband. Because, first of all he is amazing. Also without our relationship being strong, alive and connected, I cannot give my children the relationship I want to have with them. I cannot give them the home, my time, the experience of a family that I really want.
I know I could give them a good experience, I am not dependent to the point of submission, but I cannot give them the experience I am committed to without my husband, without their father, being in our home every night, available to them for questions and cuddles. It is also the most important relationship because he chose me and I chose him 13 years ago and we still do. Being chosen to be the one to spend the rest of his life with, is a huge honor. Out of 7.2 billion, he chose me. I think I can muster some gratitude and wipe his hair off the bathroom sink. Out of 7.2 billion people I also chose him. I think I can make time for the man I chose and get gussied up for a date once a month. I think I can also tell the kids that it's Mommy and Daddy time and sit outside on the front porch and ask him about his day.
I can certainly ignore a man who gives me the come hither eyes even though he might be attractive. A new man would only be a whole different host of situations I simply do not choose.

Last night we got some phenomenal coaching from a world class trainer of leaders. She told a story about a man, Let's call him "Lou". Lou loved the ladies. Lou got married many times. He loved to get married. Before he did the course we have taken, the Landmark Forum, he was pretty sure he would never stop getting married...and divorced. When she talk to Lou a year or so after the course, and asked how he was, and whether he was still married to the woman from last year, he said, "Priscilla, I am with a different woman every night!"
"What? " she asked..."What happened? I thought you loved being married?"
He said, "I am married. And my wife, the same wife as last year, is amazing. She is a different woman every night and every day and I get to get to know her!"

Every day he faced his marriage with a fresh outlook. He was vibrant, fulfilled and saw a lifetime with the same woman, excited to get to know here every day and night. What an empowering perspective! How did that one shift alter his whole marriage and whole life? Could you imagine what that kind of perspective could do for your marriage and how that would impact your kids too?

I know it has me curious about what my husband will do rather than predicting what his response will be. I know it has me noticing when he is doing something new more, like last night he talked with our exchange student about her John Adams paper for a hour instead of zoning out into his laptop. I had no idea my man was a John Adams expert! He also helped a team of leaders create a topic talk to empower teens this week. He is standing complete strangers kids to have a life of adventure, freedom and success! Wow! That's MY Man! He not only does something new everyday, he really is being someone new everyday.
Everyday he wakes up and writes, plays with the kids, and supports me support the kids and what matters to me.

Everything I have in my life I have because he supports me. Everyday he could or could not chose me and vice versa. Everyday I have an opportunity to find out what matters to him, and who is is today!
Bring on 50 more years!!!

Zen Honeycutt

An Invitation to the People Who Want to Succeed from the United States

Every kid does it once. Usually it is only once though. Somewhere between 7-10 years old. They are having a rough day. The brothers are annoying, something has broken or been lost because someone touched it that wasn't supposed to. BETRAYAL has wounded the core trust. Their world has crumbled. Voices rise into screeches and threats of bodily harm and then the parents punish everyone. EVERYONE, including the innocent. And the parents don't even want to listen. NOT FAIR. They close the door and ignore the seething rage of the child stewing up thoughts of divorcing from their family.
"I'm LEAVING this family!" the betrayed announces. Packing a few essential items in a back pack, the child may make it to the door, even out the door, but in most cases, he stalls, albeit spitting fire, just long enough to be intercepted by a parent with a few nosy questions.
"Oh, ok sweetie, well we sure will miss you...will you be warm enough to sleep outside in that?"
What? Sleep outside?

or "Honey, you will always be a part of this family...and I know you don't like that right now, but will you back in time for dinner?"

or "Where are you going to go?

Then the child's face turns from rage to bewilderment. Where am I going? What will I eat? Where will I sleep and will I be warm enough?

Pretty soon, giving them all the silent treatment and disappearing to the tree house, back porch or even one's own room seems to be enough payback for now....
because when you get right down to it, even though the child would never in a million years admit it, he/she is actually pretty okay with a warm bed, dinner appearing every night at a table lit with electricty and a place called home. Even if the family stinks.
And a few hours later, one of the brothers does something gross that actually makes the child laugh uncontrollably, even though they didn't want to...and Mom made a really good dessert. Dad even said something cool and the bed sure did feel a lot better, for sure, than the sidewalk. During the night, the love for his/her family fills those empty spaces and there are moments of safety, security, belonging and caring again.The child chooses what he has.


To the few thousand people who want to succeed from the United States, on this day of Thanks, I ask you to look around. This family of United States citizens built everything that we have...roads, electricity, homes, schools, hospitals, libraries and churches. The government provided the structure in that. Even if private companies did the work, the government provided the safety of a society run by rules that had the workers be able to show up and the materials be able to be delivered without people's legs being blown off by landmines on purpose. Our government is what made us who we are.

And the government is not some separate identity that lurks like an evil vulture waiting to snatch up your taxes like a punishment and betray your loyalty. It really isn't. The government is made up of people. People that are fathers to teens working their way through college, grandfathers who just want to have system that supports their teen grand daughter through rehab and aunts to a nephew with autism who wouldn't be able to feed himself if it weren't for the physical therapy the government provides. The people sitting in the in the government offices, making the best decisions they know how to, really do feel that they are doing the best for the country. You may not agree, you may not like it, but they are trying.

Parents don't always know best either, or do the best, sometimes they screw up royally. They make choices based on their perspective, and their perspective is different from a child's. Parents that try are good parents. A government that tries, messes up and tries again, for over 235 years now, is a pretty good government.
Don't get me wrong, I am the sister agreeing right along side with you that the health care system, bank system, election system,educational system and food system are all seriously and life threateningly flawed right now. I am probably just as or maybe even more pissed off than you. But leaving doesn't allow for the possibility of creating something new together. Together like all of us, not just your friends who agree with you. ALL OF US.

So my invitation to you is to choose. Choose to create with ALL OF US. Choose to be the change you wish to see. What you are angry at the government is for a betrayal, for ignoring some of us and not listening. If you leave, you do the same thing. It is going to take someone greater to stand for all of us. And if you are willing to stand up this much you might as well keep standing for the rest of us. So I invite you to do two things...if you really are insistent about leaving...go spend a year in the Peace Corps...in places where there is war and children dying in the streets everyday and there is no electricity by night, in places where there is disease from the water and death from lack of food. Learn from others, learn what works to resolve these issues at a very basic level, be a part of the solution in other countries with far fewer resources and come back and be a part of the government here to restructure. Become the government.
We need people who care as much as you do to stand for all of us.

Or stay. Stay home and cause the change now.
Like a 4 year old child of a friend of mine, who didn't like that there was rushing and fighting while getting ready for the day, who asked one morning "Who wants to play a game? The game is called "Everybody Dances in the Morning!" and I get to pick the music and I get to say when we dance." They all agreed to play.
So everybody dances randomly in the morning in that house. They leave smiling and thankful that they are a family.
What kind of new game could we make up, all together, as a nation, that will bring us together...dancing in life?

Because you being a part of THIS FAMILY matters. US being together matters, and dancing in life together is fun.

Thank you.

Zen Honeycutt

Something Special

I hope every parent believes there is something special about their kids, something magical, magnetic and marvelous.
I do.

Ben, my nine year old….I dreamed of him inutero as a laughing blue starfish. He was happy and as soon as he could laugh his laugh filled up the room and your heart with joy and healed you of all worry. He loves the ocean and once said “Mommy did you know that the ocean is where angels go for the birthday parties?”

At four months old, just when the erratic sleep patterns and frequent breastfeeding seemed to drive me to the edge of insanity, I had a dream. He lay in his co sleeper, looked up at me and said without moving his lips, “Thank you Mom, I love you.” It was Mother’s Day when I awoke and he had let me sleep for eight hours straight for the first time.

When the new baby sitter didn’t show up, I mumbled about maybe I could call one of the other ones that responded, and he said “Don’t worry Mom, Minnie will come.” I looked at the list. The last person on the list was Minnie. I had never said her name. I called her and she came and she watched my kids, sometimes insisting not to be paid because she loved them so much, for years. We adore her still.

Ben draws with an imagination that delights. He creates intricate, colorful and bold patterns and adventures with meaning and fun story lines. He won the Art Masters show for two years in a row.

One morning I was concentrating very hard about my upcoming day, selling my natural wellness products, and creating in my head that it would be a “thousand dollar day”. Suddenly at that same moment, Ben shouted from another room, “ One thousand dollars!” I thought I was dreaming…” What did you say Ben?” I called out. He repeated it. I asked why he said that and he said “ I don’t know , it just popped into my head!” I sold a thousand dollars worth that day. He is a very intuitive, compassionate, special and artistic boy.

Bodee, my seven year old…I met before I even had children, when I was in Hawaii, I went to sleep one night and my husband and I had asked the universe if we should have children and we would sleep on it. I had a dream. A boy with black curly hair and beautiful brown eyes looked at me. I heard “ Let me be.” I woke and knew I would have children. The boy was Bodee.

Bodee has a memory that astounds me. He is my GPS. Since he was barely three he would point in the right direction to go to a friend’s house or to find our car in the parking lot. I can depend on him.

Anything he tries, roller blading, drumming, skate boarding, chess, piano, Bodee is good at it immediately. He learned the theme song chorus to several movies like Iron Man, Indiana Jones and Star Wars simply from his father showing him for a few minutes. He loves to learn, to win and to be challenged.

He has something special in front of a film camera too. As an actor, he knows how to turn “it” on. His smile lights up the screen and he delivers what the director wants the first or second time. He is a good sport on the set and is up for anything. He is a very smart, silly and special boy.


Bronson, my three year old…to meet him is to love him. And I am not just biased. Women and girls fawn when they see him. They coo and giggle and pick him up and only let go if they have to. They swing and drag him around like rag doll, patting his head and loving him with all their hearts.

He just KNOWS too…he will bring me a flower when I am sad, and a toy to his brother when he is mad. The other day a worker at my brother’s retreat center was furious at a broken tool and yelled with all his might. Bronson brought him a rock without a word. The worker looked at it and threw it with a yell as hard as he could in the nearby pond. They watched the rock splash in silence and then Bronson said “Now do you fweel bedda?”
“Yeah. I do.” The guy replied. They looked at eachother, breathing, settling, knowing…and then looked back at the pond.

Bronson will not very frequently, do something messy like squeeze out the entire tube of toothpaste into the sink. When I discover it, he will look at me doe eyed. When I tell him that he can’t do that, he looks at me and voluntarily says, “I promise to never ever do that again.” And he doesn’t.Ever. He knows and he means what he says.

When he was 18 months he made a cheerio and fruit loop pattern bracelet for me. When his Mommy and Me teacher saw it, she asked me, “Did you help him?” I hadn’t noticed it, “No.”
“Ohhhhh, good luck with him.” She said with her eyebrows raised…it was a cheerio, fruit loop, fruit loop pattern, A, B,B,A,B,B,A,B,B,A and on…intentionally a consistent pattern…who knows what his talents will be?

Bronson can talk and share imaginative stories beyond his years. He loves to share intricate details of his dreams, his musings and of his imaginary day. He is self expressed and free. He is connected to others and delights in people, hugging during his story telling. Bronson is a very special being of self expression and love. All my children are.

My wish is that every parent take a moment to write down what is special about their children. Upload it “in the cloud” online, so it is always there. Start an email account for them and email it to them. Write an old fashioned letter and put in in a box of memories for them. Tell them before they go to bed.Because we never know if we have another day. Each day is a gift with our children. Someday they will be grown and out of the house and we will miss that something special about them that gave sweetness and love, charm and glory, and zip and vigor to our day.

Zen Honeycutt

Basic Needs...Surviving versus Thriving

Today was one of those days where I clung to the bed until the very last second and then scraped my self out like a crusty pancake, flipped my self into a half assed shower and dragged the boys to school, baby still in his pajamas. All on auto pilot. Not a moment of pause, gratitude or creation, just pure doing, doing, doing.
I noticed, after the morning tasks were done, that I was in pure survival mode. It made sense. I hadn't fullfilled a basic need. Sleep.
The baby had a fever on and off for the past two days, teething AND sick... We were going on the second night of maybe two or three hours of straight sleep and very little else.
My brain and body had nothing else to pull from energy wise, except surviving and making it through the day. I noticed how clear it was for me that I wanted to quit life.
And I was making that wrong too...like there is something wrong with me because I want to give up. I am a BAD Mom. Deffinately a lazy wife...the house got progressively messier throughout the day as I snuck naps with the baby in between wailing and picking the boys up from school. Messy house...baby draws on walls...Bad Mom, Bad Mom....
My work too, the few things I had on the list didn't all get done...Bad business person.
Pretty soon I had enough evidence stacked up against me that it would SO not matter if I didn't keep my standing evening coaching commitment that I have with a phenomenal personal training and developement company. I am too tired, I won't make a difference...some one else can do it...
I emailed my husband to warn him how tired I was, what a mess the house was and what I needed tonight, snuggling etc to restore my energy ( I learned how to ask for what I want in a gracious way!..thats another blog).
Then I looked at my phone and almost texted my coach that I wouldn't be coaching. And then I thought about my commitment.

I am committed to honoring my word and being a person who creates and not reacts...someone who brings possibility to conversations where there was no possibility before...and I confirmed I would be there instead.
A surge of energy lifted my body. I picked up the house and made dinner. And I gave my husband a long hug, and asked HIM about his day rather than droning on for hours about my excruciating day. Connecting with and surprising him with a clean house made all the difference for my evening.
After a lovely dinner with my family (the boys actually ATE the vegetarian Indian food!)and hearing what they did today that they are proud of... I went to my coaching commitment. My exhaustion seems to melt away further with every conversation.

I learned that one woman is standing for her entire city to be a pace of Vitality and Aliveness and is causing the leadership of that city to have breakthroughs in everday politics.
A man shared with me that he is creating an entire Sheriffs department to have the acknowledgement they deserve in his mountain town.
A salon owner share that she no longer lives a life of "What IF..." (something bad might happen...so better not do that) but of action and creation.
Another Mom of two young kids can see now that she realized that some people have conversations of "I can't" and she has a conversation of "I can" and that is the only thing that sets them apart and why she does what she says she will do.
I love coaching. I get to just listen and empower them.

I drove him not exhausted from the circumstances of life, not overwhelmed by what I didn't do all day, but present to how amazing my life also is, how I have so much going on because I am committed to a life of adventure and love and my natural wellness business. That matters to me. And it's just natural that there will be times of not accomplishing Everything I would like to.
Keeping my word and coaching also got me present to how many incredibly generous and compassionate and courageous people I have the privilege to meet. Then I get present to my insanely incredible husband with my miraculously sleeping baby draped over his shoulder...I am present to being just ready for bed, for snuggling,for a deeply fullfilling sleep...and creating a day tomorrow of Thriving!

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com