Where's My Bumper Sticker?

" Student of the Month at Blah Blah Elementary " used to make me roll my twenty something eyes...and when Hollywood actor parents were asked in interviews "What is your greatest accomplishment?" and they seriously said, "My children." I would get irritated to the point of hollering at the TV..."But they are not YOU!"
I would steam from the ears that these silly parents actually took all the credit for their kids accomplishments.
Yes, they had sex (as any animal can do), yes, they gave birth (which I hear is painful, but again, natural), and fed and clothed them as any decent human being would do...beyond that, I was sure as sugar and right as rain that those kids were their own accomplishments, responsible for themselves...not their parents shining glory.
It was downright annoying to see parents crowing about their kids. For Gods sake get a life and let your kids be who they are! I would think.

The funny thing is my parents pretty much did that. You would think, from my reaction, that I would have helicopter hovering parents, but I didn't. They were incredible. They let me go to the school of my dreams, a private boarding school for high school, an hour and a half away from home, called Choate Rosemary Hall. At 13 I was living away from home in a dorm like a college student in a school that looked like and prepped kids for, Yale. I was stunned by the freedom and responsibility I had gained all in a moment of "Yes, you can go".

I walked around the campus in awe of the whole idea, teenagers trusted and treated almost like adults, taught with insanely challenging methods and expected to perform at college levels. I was intensely curious about and slightly intimidated by, the other students that I likened to Rockefeller's and Kennedy's. I loved it, made my path and made good friends there. I knew it was a privilege for me to have received a scholarship and I was set on achieving. And I did.
My parents expected me to as well. They were proud of me, but they didn't send me gifts or money with every good grade. They didn't brag to their friends about my accomplishments. They expected me to do well and didn't take credit for it when I did. And they gave me freedom to choose.

Now, as I raise three boys and revel in their exploding personality developments...Ben is already a "Great Artist!" in his own words, and Bodee is a fierce competitor, Awesome at anything he does. Bronson is too young to be able to tell what he will excel at, but after three children, I get that he will find his passion. I see that, on one hand, as I parent, I am responsible for exposing my kids to different opportunities, to encourage them, guide them and be there for them when they give up hope on their dreams. The fortitude it takes, the patience, the commitment to be there and clean up when they are puking at 2am or drive them 6 places in a day or hold them when I would rather holler at them...all of that takes an inner strength that deserves acknowledgment. Parents have a very challenging job,albeit that they chose, and deserve kudos.

At the same time, on the other hand, who our kids end up being also can have nothing to do with us. They have their own worlds in their heads. They see things completely differently. They have their own lives, as Kahlil Gibran says...that we cannot visit, not even in our dreams...

Our children make their own choices every day, to do or not do the homework, to read or not read at school. To spit or not spit on the kid next to them. They choose all that. As a Mom I can say what I will, I can guide, threaten, cajole and plead..and try to reason til I am blue in the face....but when it comes down to it, it's all entirely their choice.

So I revel in their choices. I am fascinated by their gumption, interests and their accomplishments that have everything/nothing to do with me. And someday I will put the bumper sticker on the back of my car "Student of the Month", heck maybe I will even make one that says "My Kids Rock!" because they do. I enjoy them. They are their own bad selves and I celebrate them.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

This photo was taken leaving a Moms Club Spring Picnic, filled with food, games, toys and sweets, and on the way to a birthday party, a perfect day for kids, so we declared it " Kids Day", celebrating Kids, and Bodee declared it "The Best Day Ever!"

I am not a "Better Man"

This weekend I participated in a Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop with PAX
(meaning peace) programs. The view was awesome,and the workshop was:
Unbelievable. Incredible. Freeing. Empowering!

I have heard about the program for over a year now. Many of my female friends have done it and all rave about it. I didn't really think it was even remotely interesting at first, I had been married for ten years, my marriage with Todd was fine. We love each other, have fun together and have a great family. In fact we have been doing all kinds of leadership development and training together and our communication was completely transformed from what it used to be.

But sometimes I was still baffled. Sometimes I would sit in bed watching TV to wind down before bed and wonder WHY Todd was so focused on his research on the computer for his book, why he couldn't take some time to be with me without me reminding him? I would begin to feel sorry for myself, then mad at him and then wonder what was wrong with me that he didn't want to come to bed and talk and snuggle? WHAT? I look pretty darn good after 3 kids, I love to listen to him talk about his book...so what was it that has him ignoring me? I would stew in a cloud of grrrrr.
HOW could I get him to spend more time with me?
If I were him I wouldn't be doing this, I would be a better husband...
Resentment would build, I wanted to talk to him, share my day, but if he didn't want to I wasn't going to force him...just let him be... and I would got to sleep feeling bottled up.
I would be cranky the next day we would be like ships passing, the perfunctory kiss or just the "Bye, see ya, love ya" as he went out the door.

This weekend, this example is just one of the hundreds of moments that I got to the source of all the confusion, resentment, communication disasters, squabbles, sighs, eyeball rolling, defeated silences...all those and more...

I was not seeing Todd for the man he is, not seeing him as a man committed to providing for our family, who loves me and the kids. A man focused on a single thing at a time...like a hunter focused on the deer...he is driven to achieve. My complaining about him not snuggling me is draining and confusing to him...as he is doing it all, the research, the book, the work, our beautiful home in a wonderful neighborhood, the caring for the kids, for me, and for the life we created together. I see his heart as huge now, instead of selfish. I see him as creative, loving and committed. And, thanks to this weekend I know how to communicate with him to have him honored and for me to be satisfied as well. I got the WHY, WHAT and HOW! Yea!

I got clear on so many many things. One of the biggest being that by letting Todd be the incredible man that he is, I do not have to police who he is being as a man. I do not have to be a "Better Man". I can let him be a man and I can be me, a Woman.
Very exciting.

I have been in Doing, Doing, Doing mode..or "Man Mode" for so long, surrounded by males, that I forgot what it means to be feminine, to be a Woman.
What's possible now is a whole new realm of ...instead of Zen MASTER....Zen the Temptress, Zen Momma, Queen Zen. Alot more joy, humor, fun and ease as well.
Life is so exciting and thrilling when I take risks, try something new and dive into what's possible....stay tuned to how letting "boys be boys" ( they are NOT girls!..do you hear that school systems?) expands the possibilities for peace and empowerment for my boys.


Thank you for inviting me Donna....and local ladies, if you are available May 15-16th, there is another one,a great deal too, at the Surf and Sand Resort in Laguna Beach, only the most beautiful location ever. www.effectivewomen.com.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Cut it out! Knock it off! Stop it!

" Cut it out! Knock it off! Stop it!"
My husband half chuckles. He "knows" he should be telling him to stop, but he's so cute he laughs. Bodee is near naked, besides his Spiderman underwear at the breakfast table, and he is standing on the chair doing a spontaneous dance.....then he turns and points his butt at us and waggles it with glee.
Todd's command is ineffective and it is not until he almost tips the chair over that Bodee stops himself, sits down and eats his eggs.

What comes to mind is the perfectly behaved Chinese kids I often see at the huge round tables at restaurants, silently and politely having dim sum with their families. Meanwhile, my kids are laughing, tickling each other under the table,and dangling their noodles in front of their faces before slurping them up with relish. The little voice in my head says...I am half Chinese...what happened with my kids?

"That's what's wrong with America," some may say...."Parent's are not disciplining their children. They let them run wild and act all crazy at the dinner tables, let 'em get away with anything and then before you know it they are getting locked up."

Yeah, yeah, judge as you will. Tonight we are laughing at the dinner table. We enjoy our children's songs and creative play with their food as long as they are eating. We all hold hands and look each other in the eyes as one of the boys leads our prayer, and then we say in unison " God is great, God is good, and we Thank you for our food, AMEN-ies!" Sometime the baby claps after we pray.

It's a moment of unity, gratitude and grounding.
I don't care if Bodee is not dressed tonight. I don't care if he is dancing once in a while. The family meals are a time to connect, and let's face it, a 5 year old communication skills consist predominately of imaginative play. They are still working out what a conversation is. Mostly his play with friends comprises sounds of battle ships shooting,light sabers swooshing and high pitched cartoon characters saying " Oh Noooo! he's gonna get me"...and then a deep voice booms "I'll save you!"
So for him to tell a story, do a dance, eat his french fries like airplanes and waggle his butt now and then ...well, it's an example to me of freedom and fun as a family.

The real kicker is in not comparing my kids to other kids. I find that it's automatic...and if I am not careful I can make it mean something..my kid dances half naked at the table at home, and out, their kids are quiet, our kids are hiding under the table cloth, shrieking, and I think one just ate a fried noodle off the floor....I could make that mean that I am a lenient, lazy Mom and they are hoodlums. I could. And I would have some pretty good evidence according to some.

Or I could chose a more empowering context, an empowering perspective, if you will. I could choose to see that we are living life, our kids are free to dance, to waggle, to giggle. They are fully self expressed and create laughter, love and fun.

Manners are good too, and for the really important times and places we empower them with those tools...but getting caught up in what they are doing means something about us as parents...is a no win situation.
They are kids.We are parents. For the most part, if they are having fun, so are we.
And if we are having fun, so can they.


Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com