Sunday, March 28, 2010

I am not a "Better Man"

This weekend I participated in a Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop with PAX
(meaning peace) programs. The view was awesome,and the workshop was:
Unbelievable. Incredible. Freeing. Empowering!

I have heard about the program for over a year now. Many of my female friends have done it and all rave about it. I didn't really think it was even remotely interesting at first, I had been married for ten years, my marriage with Todd was fine. We love each other, have fun together and have a great family. In fact we have been doing all kinds of leadership development and training together and our communication was completely transformed from what it used to be.

But sometimes I was still baffled. Sometimes I would sit in bed watching TV to wind down before bed and wonder WHY Todd was so focused on his research on the computer for his book, why he couldn't take some time to be with me without me reminding him? I would begin to feel sorry for myself, then mad at him and then wonder what was wrong with me that he didn't want to come to bed and talk and snuggle? WHAT? I look pretty darn good after 3 kids, I love to listen to him talk about his what was it that has him ignoring me? I would stew in a cloud of grrrrr.
HOW could I get him to spend more time with me?
If I were him I wouldn't be doing this, I would be a better husband...
Resentment would build, I wanted to talk to him, share my day, but if he didn't want to I wasn't going to force him...just let him be... and I would got to sleep feeling bottled up.
I would be cranky the next day we would be like ships passing, the perfunctory kiss or just the "Bye, see ya, love ya" as he went out the door.

This weekend, this example is just one of the hundreds of moments that I got to the source of all the confusion, resentment, communication disasters, squabbles, sighs, eyeball rolling, defeated silences...all those and more...

I was not seeing Todd for the man he is, not seeing him as a man committed to providing for our family, who loves me and the kids. A man focused on a single thing at a a hunter focused on the deer...he is driven to achieve. My complaining about him not snuggling me is draining and confusing to he is doing it all, the research, the book, the work, our beautiful home in a wonderful neighborhood, the caring for the kids, for me, and for the life we created together. I see his heart as huge now, instead of selfish. I see him as creative, loving and committed. And, thanks to this weekend I know how to communicate with him to have him honored and for me to be satisfied as well. I got the WHY, WHAT and HOW! Yea!

I got clear on so many many things. One of the biggest being that by letting Todd be the incredible man that he is, I do not have to police who he is being as a man. I do not have to be a "Better Man". I can let him be a man and I can be me, a Woman.
Very exciting.

I have been in Doing, Doing, Doing mode..or "Man Mode" for so long, surrounded by males, that I forgot what it means to be feminine, to be a Woman.
What's possible now is a whole new realm of ...instead of Zen MASTER....Zen the Temptress, Zen Momma, Queen Zen. Alot more joy, humor, fun and ease as well.
Life is so exciting and thrilling when I take risks, try something new and dive into what's possible....stay tuned to how letting "boys be boys" ( they are NOT girls! you hear that school systems?) expands the possibilities for peace and empowerment for my boys.

Thank you for inviting me Donna....and local ladies, if you are available May 15-16th, there is another one,a great deal too, at the Surf and Sand Resort in Laguna Beach, only the most beautiful location ever.

Zen Honeycutt

1 comment: