Score: Boys 2, Mom 0

I told myself I would blog everyday this month....and give up that I don't have something inspiring to say all the time. This blog is called "Zen and the Art of Inspired Parenting" and frankly sometimes that title is exactly what stops me from writing. Sometimes parenting does not occur to me as inspiring. Sometimes I am not behaving as an inspired parent. Sometimes I want to quit. Usually I don't write on those days and that just has me feel stifled and stuck. That's not inspiring at all.

The past few days, feeling sick, like a mac truck has run over my body, and the muscles on my bones have just turned to putty...not much has been inspiring. I have been surviving. To top it off as soon as I get mostly better I have a den meeting of ten boys plus two siblings that swarm my home with boundless energy. I signed up for this, to be the den leader, and I knew sort-of what I was getting into. Most people wouldn't think of it as something they would ever want to do, and I didn't either. Scouts was supposed to be my husband's guy time with the boys at 6 pm on a Tuesday night. Then we moved and the pack we go to wants the meeting at 3 right after school. We happen to live directly across the street. They didn't have a leader. I am a leader (of adults in personal training and development) so I figured Why Not? I also have it the easiest way to teach your son to be a leader is to be a leader. So I chose to lead...but underneath was this "I am not supposed to be doing this, my husband is," and there has been resistance.

The den of Wolves I lead must be sensing that, sniffing out the hesitation in my leadership, because the last two meetings, although a riot for them, are occurring like a disaster to me...I am barely surviving them. There are moments, in between a seven year old boy looking me straight in the eye and mocking me, running away from the den and refusing to return and me getting a sore throat from talking over their interruptions and violent jokes, when I just want to scream "I quit!" and walk out of my own house.

Even though we are getting the requirements done and most of the boys behave, I have an expectation that EVERYONE should be behaving and we should ALL, including me, be having fun. And I am not.I feel like a gigantic failure of a den leader.I make myself wrong because I think I should know how to do this. I think I know how to be a leader. I think I know what is best and the boys just aren't listening to me. I think I know how it is going to continue to go.....and I dread the feeling of frustration I can see I will feel at the next meeting. I feel like a failure of a person and a Mom. I want to cry in my husband's arms in a ball and quit life.

But I won't, at least not forever. Not because I am afraid of what anyone thinks or feels, but because I know that this is my journey and my breakthrough to have. I know that there is something I can put in that will make a difference and it is up to me. It sucks now, but I know from my training at Landmark that I can transform anything. I just need to be willing. Clearly I am experiencing loosing the game the way I am playing and it's time to switch up the play before switching players.

Perhaps what there is to do is to, take the leadership advice from my husband and ask these boys that are interrupting and behaving disrespectfully, what they want out of scouts. Perhaps I need to ask them if they are willing to do what it takes to have what they want. Today I did a lot of telling them what to do. Perhaps...I could listen.

Today my triumph is simply writing even when I didn't wanna and looking to ask and wonder even though I think I know.

Zen Honeycutt

Dinner time is OUR Time

This is a follow up to "I Hate Dinnertime!" blog post from a few days ago.
Dinnertime was not fun. Pretty unpleasant for a week or so. Then I got present that I could create something and transform this area of my life.
I took a good look at it and what I had already been doing:

I was resisting making dinner until the last minute. It was a big "I HAVE to."
I was making dinner with a left over pile of dishes from earlier in the day stacked up around me...UGH and feeling like “it’s all on me” and stressing out.
I was throwing whatever food there was together, really bored with the food I was cooking and practically slapping it on the table.
I was hollering at the kids to help set the table like they are in trouble, as if they should have known already, read my mind or something and have the table set without me even asking. They were in trouble before dinner even started!
I was sitting down and saying grace in a rush.
I was getting really upset and resentful with the kids for putting their elbows on the table, maybe even feet on the table, playing with their napkin and not eating... or eating with their fingers. I would snap at them and feel a rush of anger.
I was yelling at them to eat at the table and someone often cried.
I was comparing my kids to how I think I was, an obedient child at the table and I am making them totally wrong.
I was wanting to quit being a part of this family.

The result was I had a miserable dinner experience. I had an experience of myself as a failure of a Mom.
I had a clenched stomach and kids with stomach aches after dinner.
I had kids who were being yelled at at a time of day when all we all wanted is to be together and enjoy each other.
I had a husband who worked all day to provide for us and came home to a stressful dinner and resentful wife.
This really, really doesn't work for me.
When I really looked at myself, who I was being was focused on my own stress.
I was being angry, unpleasant and frustrated.
But I was right to be this way. I was justified because of the way the kids were behaving!
When I looked further though, and really told the truth on myself, I could see I was being a victim of my own creation... the three kids, family, the idea of a nice dinner, was all my doing and yet "woe is me!". " I can't take it!"

When I blogged last week, I really got to see that what is probable is that I will continue yelling at dinner, having a miserable dinner and husband and kids who don't feel honored and appreciated, and I will, most likely, continue being angry, unpleasant, frustrated and self centered and continue to have miserable dinners.
That's just the way it's going to continue to go!

That was not okay for me. I know I could survive it. People do. I could. It could keep going like that, but I am committed to an extraordinary life, to creating love and aliveness, so I got to work.

I looked at what was missing that would make a difference and I saw being present, engaged in life, really creating dinner time as special was missing. What was missing was honoring my husband and seeing joy in my kids. I could see that being present, honor and joy is missing. And what that would make available is Loving Ease and Grace!

So I created the possibility of Loving Ease and Grace and suddenly a whole new world of possibilities opened up for me. I began to think like a southern belle, a hostess, and wonder what I could create. I dug out our fancy table cloth and china. I asked Mom friends for creative ideas. Last night I set up the dinner table a half hour ahead of time and when I put a candle on the table, the kids came over, curious and wanting to help. They set the table like a couple of adorable helpers, even folding the napkins. I cleaned the kitchen well in advance and made a delicious salmon dinner with dill, zucchini and roasted potatoes and brownie sundaes for dessert. When my husband came home with the candle lit and table set, I knew he felt honored. I was proud to place that dinner on the table that looked beautiful and my son even asked to do something which I had started from creating the possibility of Loving Ease and Grace, which was each say the rose, thorn and bud, from our day, the best thing, worst thing and something we learned. ( Thanks Pam for that idea!) The kids enjoyed taking turns and even though my husband had a bad day ( his father is in the hospital and work is piling up) I got that I could hold the space at the dinner table for us all to be connected anyway. And when my son puts his knee up and the other one was taking an eternity to eat, I saw that my automatic way of reacting would be to demand for them to stop, get loud and unpleasant. Inside of my possibility of Loving Ease and Grace, however, I simply whispered to them, and asked them whether or not that behavior was appropriate. They were surprised and corrected their behavior. No tears. No yelling. I got that I get to hold the space for the future of good table manners and in the meantime I am THE ONE to create loving ease and grace right now, matter what. I really got that it was ME all along that was creating the anger and miserable dinner, not them. They are having a blast eating with their fingers and playing with their napkins. It was ME that was making dinnertime upsetting by getting angry about it and yelling. I don't have to be that way! I could come from loving ease and grace no matter what.

So last night, my kids ate, shared about their day, felt heard and special.
And it wasn't the table cloth, china or brownie sundaes that made it special, it was me being responsible for creating the ambiance and being loving ease and grace.

At the end of the night my husband thanked me for the dinner and said that it really meant alot to him after the day he had, that I had dinner be that way for him and the family. The way his body relaxed showed that he felt supported and honored. He shared all about his day, which is something that probably wouldn’t have happened if we had all been yelling at each other at dinner the way we had been.
As he shared about his day, I got that everything he does is for us, and I am committed to him feeling love, support and the gratitude we have for him, everyday, and did last night, and will continue to, from me, being The ONE to get present and create from the possibility of Loving Ease and Grace.

Thank you Landmark Education and everyone who attends for the daily miracles of relatedness I get to create using this work and your coaching.
www.landmarkeducation.com
I get to have what matters most to me, present to the miracles of love in my family.

Zen Honeycutt

Olympic Failures

The pain is searing, sharp and stabbing and then the ache sets in, like being pummeled by several Olympic boxers at once on my shoulder back and arm. Except the ache doesn't dissipate. It stays and the weight of my arm becomes unbearable. The weight of my head is impossible. All I can do is lie as still as possible...
and watch amazing athletes perform stunning feats of physical wizardry in the Olympics.

This is what I get for writing hunched over my laptop. This past week I discovered I now have readers in 17 countries around the world, including Poland, Germany, UK, France, Malaysia, Panama, Venezuela, and an especially large readership in Russia. I am stunned to see an international map light up in my blog source tracker (I can only see where from, not who.) I am delighted, elated and humbled. I am grateful and inspired. I suddenly feel much more responsible for being consistent, concise and impactful in my writing. I declare to continue writing everyday and to see and share the inspirational aspects of life. I create the game of having a book, a career as a professional writer.

Then the pain starts. Ironic, I think, that as soon as I create a bigger game, I am thrilled and ready to go....I have a new problem. I have frustration and I am not fulfilling on the game I said I would play, which is writing EVERYDAY, and elevating my level of writing to get a book deal. I have a bulging disc in my neck and a pinched nerve and my husband bans me from the computer for almost a week. I am frustrated and resentful at first, and then when I have a set back in the healing from trying to cook or something, and the doctor tells me I could cause permanent nerve damage, when I am crying just from picking up a water glass, when I wake up at three in the morning from pain and it is impossible to sleep for what seems like forever...I get it. Time to heal. That's it.

I also realize it's not a bad problem to have. Not the pain, but the desire to write and the inability not to, failure in my game. I created that.

In life, we strive to solve all our problems. We think it's bad to have problems. But, in fact we are only constantly creating our own problems, and more of them. What I got from a Landmark seminar was that I thought I had to solve the problem of doing good in school as a kid by getting into a good prep school. Then, once I was there I had a new problem of having to do well there so I could get into a good college. Once I did that I had the problem of doing well there so I could get a good job. Once I did that I had the problem of doing the work well so I could get a promotion and raise or have my own company, and then pay employees etc....get married? The problem is to stay married...or have kids...then make enough money to pay for everything...or have the problem of wanting to be a writer? Once you are then you have deadlines and book tours and readers who are expecting empowering perspectives that make a difference for their lives. That's the problem I am living into. The one I am creating for myself.That's a problem that is scares me but enlivens me at the same time.

See, as long as we are alive, we have problems. The question is, do we have problems that are worthy of our life? Whether we succeed or fail, are they problems worthy of our journey? No matter what? Win or lose. Are we creating the kind that awaken and aliven us or are we surviving our problems?

I created the problem of being a writer and having the frustration that I "can't write". I created having readers around the world! Inside of that, I can see an empowering context for myself. I, me, moi, CREATED the pain even. Seeing the pain as my creation, I can be with it, relax and heal. I am not a victim of myself. If I "lose" at it and never get a book deal, the journey itself is worth it. I am the creator of my life, aches and pains, triumphs and joy and all. I hope the Olympic athletes who don't win...who "fail" this week see that too, that they created their life, no matter what happens, THEY put themselves there and created that fail...and they can celebrate that! (It's not a small thing to go to the Olympics! Not many can say I am an Olympic Loser!) If you are going to lose or fail, you might as well go big. One time, when I lost at something, my coach inspired me to shout, " I am an AWESOME LOSER!!!" With freedom and joy in my heart I really got that I was awesome, and I lost. The point was I played awesomely. I played at something that mattered to me. And I reveled in my awesome loser-ness and found freedom to be me.

Whether it's in bed, like me surrounded by three amazing boys and an incredible husband and lovely friend who want me to be comfortable and heal, or on the court, surrounded by coaches and disappointed but loving fans, who believe in them still, we create our life, we can embrace our life, pain and problems, small or Olympic sized failures and all.

Zen Honeycutt

Being " Nice" Is not Empowering

I am speaking with a dear friend of mine about some feelings of frustration and resentment I have towards my nanny and assistant. I don't want to feel this way, I adore and appreciate her, but right now, GRRRRR. I want to get these feelings out...

What happened was I was trying to take a nap, she was at my home and checked on me...then later brought me food to give me energy and woke me up.
What I made that mean is that I "shouldn't be napping" in her eyes, she needs to take care of me, because I wasn't taking care of myself the way she thinks I should, and I can't do what I want in my own house!!!!

My friend asked me "What do you want to say to her?"
I said "You're awesome, but No Thanks."
She said, " That's NICE. What do you really want to say to her?"
I got it.
" Leave me the F*(^&* alone!!!! You are not my Mother or Nurse!!! When I need to nap I need to nap!!!"
I was really surprised by the ferocious energy behind the resentment.
My friend said " Being "Nice" is not empowering."
Whoa. That is a complete shift in perspective for me.
Aren't we supposed to be nice? Especially women...it so important to be nice!

I got suddenly though, that being nice...when something isn't working for me, leaves me resentful and not getting what I need and the other person completely in the dark, not able to give me what I need if they want to and not understanding any resentment they may sense from me. I saw that me trying to be nice and let her talk to me while I am resting or wake me up was just not working for us. It's also completely irresponsible of me in my communication!

Being straight with people is much more effective. And it empowers both of us.
Being authentic and creative was missing in that interaction.
I don't have to be rude and spit fire, but I can just say what I need. REALLY I can do that. The world won't cave in. She won't melt. I won't turn into a harpy.

I suddenly saw new actions I could take to create empowerment for both of us. A fun creative sign for the door when I am napping or want to be alone...
"HALT!! The Queen Rests. Thank you for your loyalty. YOU SHALL BE REWARDED" So in a few minutes I made one with a crown and hearts. This will empower my husband and kids as well, to respect the times when I need privacy. Yeah!! Multiple issues solved!

I take on being authentic and creative with my friend/nanny/assistant as well and we connect and create partnership. She tells me what works and doesn't work for her and I learn about how I can be of support to her too. I feel like a huge sigh is released from my body. I am straight with her and she gets me. And we get to create something new and empowering that is new for both of us. She will live with us part time and save money on expenses while supporting me part time with the kids and business. Our family still has alone time and she has friend, work and fun time.

In the old days, my father, who is 85, told us that his mother Cora and her sister Fanny lived in connecting houses and would lift up the toilet seat and holler down it in high pitched voices " CooooooorAAAAA!" " Yes Fannnnnnieeeeeee!" and that would be the sign that they needed each other. They had each other at nearly arms reach. Most woman go it alone now-a-days...no sister or aunt living next door.

My generous friend/nanny/assistant and I are creating that kind of partnership...but not by being "nice"...by being straight with what matters to us, what works and doesn't work for us and creating something new with responsible Communication....just minus the toilet.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

I am not a "Better Man"

This weekend I participated in a Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop with PAX
(meaning peace) programs. The view was awesome,and the workshop was:
Unbelievable. Incredible. Freeing. Empowering!

I have heard about the program for over a year now. Many of my female friends have done it and all rave about it. I didn't really think it was even remotely interesting at first, I had been married for ten years, my marriage with Todd was fine. We love each other, have fun together and have a great family. In fact we have been doing all kinds of leadership development and training together and our communication was completely transformed from what it used to be.

But sometimes I was still baffled. Sometimes I would sit in bed watching TV to wind down before bed and wonder WHY Todd was so focused on his research on the computer for his book, why he couldn't take some time to be with me without me reminding him? I would begin to feel sorry for myself, then mad at him and then wonder what was wrong with me that he didn't want to come to bed and talk and snuggle? WHAT? I look pretty darn good after 3 kids, I love to listen to him talk about his book...so what was it that has him ignoring me? I would stew in a cloud of grrrrr.
HOW could I get him to spend more time with me?
If I were him I wouldn't be doing this, I would be a better husband...
Resentment would build, I wanted to talk to him, share my day, but if he didn't want to I wasn't going to force him...just let him be... and I would got to sleep feeling bottled up.
I would be cranky the next day we would be like ships passing, the perfunctory kiss or just the "Bye, see ya, love ya" as he went out the door.

This weekend, this example is just one of the hundreds of moments that I got to the source of all the confusion, resentment, communication disasters, squabbles, sighs, eyeball rolling, defeated silences...all those and more...

I was not seeing Todd for the man he is, not seeing him as a man committed to providing for our family, who loves me and the kids. A man focused on a single thing at a time...like a hunter focused on the deer...he is driven to achieve. My complaining about him not snuggling me is draining and confusing to him...as he is doing it all, the research, the book, the work, our beautiful home in a wonderful neighborhood, the caring for the kids, for me, and for the life we created together. I see his heart as huge now, instead of selfish. I see him as creative, loving and committed. And, thanks to this weekend I know how to communicate with him to have him honored and for me to be satisfied as well. I got the WHY, WHAT and HOW! Yea!

I got clear on so many many things. One of the biggest being that by letting Todd be the incredible man that he is, I do not have to police who he is being as a man. I do not have to be a "Better Man". I can let him be a man and I can be me, a Woman.
Very exciting.

I have been in Doing, Doing, Doing mode..or "Man Mode" for so long, surrounded by males, that I forgot what it means to be feminine, to be a Woman.
What's possible now is a whole new realm of ...instead of Zen MASTER....Zen the Temptress, Zen Momma, Queen Zen. Alot more joy, humor, fun and ease as well.
Life is so exciting and thrilling when I take risks, try something new and dive into what's possible....stay tuned to how letting "boys be boys" ( they are NOT girls!..do you hear that school systems?) expands the possibilities for peace and empowerment for my boys.


Thank you for inviting me Donna....and local ladies, if you are available May 15-16th, there is another one,a great deal too, at the Surf and Sand Resort in Laguna Beach, only the most beautiful location ever. www.effectivewomen.com.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com