The Power of We

It was just not working. I felt defeated, worn out, stressed out and put out. I was resentful and regretful. I wanted out. Out of being a den Mom to 10 rambunctious boys.
We all have areas of our life that don't work.
I have a couple of them. I have many that do work, I love my husband, kids, home, life etc....
but there are a few areas that just seem to repeatedly suck and I will admit that. Because I have learned that only when I am able to admit it, does something begin to change. If I hide it like a neat little package with poo inside, then no one can see it, including me, and it gets ignored. No one, including me, cleans it up.

So I admitted it. I had a meeting with the parents of my den and laid it out there. If it kept going like this I was probably going to quit or or dismiss some boys, not like a threat, but just because it was so unmanageable.I let them know I am totally committed.....it just wasn't working this way, it couldn't go on. And I knew they would wonder...well what the heck are YOU doing that has them being so unruly. In fact, one couple pretty much implied that. And I didn't take it personally. I could totally get that, from their perspective, 3-4 adults, 10 kids...Come on! How could it be that bad?

Um, it could. And yes I have something to do with it. Yes I am willing to change it up. But I need partnership. I need us to take it on. I need this not to be a YOU or ME problem, but a WE solution. 100% leader, 100% parent and 100% cub scout.

So we created that. I made a Code of Conduct Contract. I wrote out all the unacceptable behavior and had the parents read it to their kids and sign the code of conduct. We created partnership between the parents, kids and leader. I asked the parents for their input and took it. One had her son, an almost Eagle Scout come and do uniform inspection and be on Time Out watch (which was not needed). She got a Wolf Totem to hold as a talking stick and created a sticker chart. The parents stepped up and helped out during the meetings too, we divided up the kids and conquered the disrespectful behavior. Normally I would do everything myself....but as that wasn't working...it was time to take it from Me to We and man...what a miraculous difference!

The boys were alert, attentive, respectful, raising their hands, engaged and awesome. It was dreamy. They felt proud of themselves and so did we.

I am looking at how I can apply this to my life...going from the single focus of me to the Power of We...in the area of messes around the house ( chore charts from Cub Scouts sure do help!) and genetically modified foods impacting our health. How am I trying to do it all myself and what is not working about that? What can I put in that would have powerful partnership show up? I am going to have to give up doing it all myself, thinking up of all the good ideas, being the leader for everything and having it go my way ( which is the right way of course). It's not about me, it's about WE.

I felt that giving up relief yesterday when I offered ideas at a planning meeting to label GMOS. They wanted to do other things or call it something different. I reminded myself that this is not about MY idea, it is about OUR nation having food that is labeled truthfully, real and healthy. I felt wonder and freedom when I opened up my vision of the future to their perspective, their contribution and our common goal.
I gave up my fear and controlling reaction... like a black crow flapping and hovering, I let it settle and be still...and saw the power in the people around me instead.

It's time to be authentic in life, time to share what is not working...time to pour our hearts out and be totally vulnerable. Because in that authenticity, we find our humanity, we bond with others, we love ourselves and can be with ourselves and others exactly as we are. There is so much power in authenticity. There is so much power in listening. There is so much power in inviting people to be a contribution to our common purpose. Let people in. The Power of We is wonderful.

I cannot wait to see what we create in working together for our common purpose to label GMOS. It may not look like anything I imagined, but after my experience with my den meeting, I have faith that it will be better than anything we all imagined.

Zen Honeycutt

Partnership with Teachers

Ben had the wrong teacher. No two ways about it. He was 4 turning 5 in preschool and the time we didn't know he had a gluten intolerance and after snack his teacher told me he would be so sad over something insignificant in the playground that he would sit and sulk for a half an hour. When I asked her questions about it, tensions flared. It occurred to me that she was making him wrong, like he "should be able to get over it at this age." and "not get so upset." I don't remember if those were her words but that's what I heard. Something was "wrong" with my son according to her. HELL no.
Why wasn't she sitting down with him and asking him about it and working it out? She said it was a rough year, there were a lot of "criers" in the class.
I was angry with her. I reacted in survival mode, all in a frenzy, and tossed and turned in bed. I spoke to the director and she agreed that it was best to switch Ben out of her class, because the teacher "just has that style of letting children work it out by themselves" which didn't work for Ben or me. So after Christmas, when he had turned five, we told him because he was older, he was going to a new class. It was right next to the other one and I avoided eye contact with the teacher. Only a mother who has had a preschooler can appreciate how much drama this is. It is like the end of the world to a mother when her child is not doing well in school. Her soul is heavy and sad. Mine was.

Then, two years later, Bodee got the same teacher. She was the only one who did five day Pre K. The only class I wanted my son in at the only preschool I wanted him in. He had already been there a year and a half and loved it. I was so confronted. OH NO. I thought. This year is going to suck. Should I pull him from the school?
With grave concern, my friend said I should. My insides felt knotted and wrong.

Then I got that I was reacting to a circumstance rather than creating.
So she was Bodee's teacher now. That's what was so.
I could create Powerful Partnership with her no matter what. Circumstances do not dictate my life. Teacher's personalities don't define my child's experience. We can be powerful in the face of anything.
So I went to the class early on the first day. I got a moment alone with her, loked her directly in the eye and said,"We have had our differences in the past. But you are Bodee's teacher now and I want you to know that I have it that you are the perfect teacher for Bodee."
What premise did I have for that? Nothing. I only had it that way because I made it up. Because I wanted it to be that way, so I said so.
She looked at me hesitently at first, questioning, body slanted away from me. I said "I mean it. you and Bodee are going to get along great. He needs exactly who you are."
Her eyes became clear and grateful. She took a deep breath and turned towards me.
"Really? Thank you. I really want to have a great year."
"We will." I declared. "And if you need anything, we will be here to volunteer early everyday."
"Oh, Wow."
"I want to thank you for your partnership in educating Bodee it means alot to me that he has a fun year and learns alot."
"Oh he will. Thanks so much" she said joyfully.
We smiled brilliant, free smiles and chatted more about Bodee's likes and dislikes. We were total partners. Connected and committed.

That year was the better than I ever imagined. We got to school early, swept and cut papers, and supported her in whatever was needed and chatted with her. I got to listen to her about her marriage dilemmas and support her through a tough time. I got to know what an incredibly committed woman she is to teaching and I grew to adore her, really truly love the person she is.
Bodee was the teacher's pet, helpful and kind. Some people had warned me, because of Bodee's passion and drive to win, that he was going to be difficult in school. That was so not the case. He did brilliantly. The partnership he experienced between the teacher and I had him be confident, proud and engaged. Had I been hesistant, resentful and fearful I am sure he would have felt that. We would have been late, not in communication and resisting school. But that's not what I was committed to. I was committed to powerful partnership, so I created it. And it was present in the room. The class was connected, warm and fun.

At the end of the year, the teacher gathered all the parents and literally cried in gratitude for us and the bond we had created that year. Tears rolled down her face and we all cried too. There was love and connection that was highly unusual. It was like we were a sisterhood.
Two years later, Bodee still asked to see her and kept her card and picture by his bed. He couldn't have loved his PreK experience more. When he went to Kindergarten he was already at the level of learning where they wanted the students to be in January. He sailed through school and is still excelling. When he has acting auditions I have no qualms about pulling him out early to drive to LA. If he wasn't doing well, there is no way I would do that.

Partnership makes a difference in much bigger ways than we initially imagine. Creating that the teacher or child gets is the PERFECT TEACHER, no matter what ( ok except abuse, I am talking about decent teachers), whether we like them or not or they talk funny or seemed rushed or unorganized...no matter what...creating Powerful Partnership is possible. The impact is that the kids sense that trust, they feel safe, they look forward to the day and learning from someone that you respect.

So often, parents complain about the teachers in front of the kids and they think they are protecting their kids...they think they are expressing their love by siding with the kids and blaming the teacher for too much homework or whatever...in fact this causes a struggle and insecurity for the child. They feel unsafe, distrusting and resentful towards the teacher and even down right confused as to why their parent would send them to school for 6 hours to be with someone they don't like. That is the opposite of what a parent is committed to!

So LOVE your child's teacher as you love your child, and give them a chance to grow and be strong and be able to be with any teacher and however that teacher is, that they work...and you empower your child to be powerful in any situation.

Zen Honeycutt

Money and Happiness

I would walk into a grocery store and just grab whatever I wanted. I was justified to do this because we needed to eat. When the total was over two hundred dollars sometimes I had to wonder if the account would go into overdraft and take from our savings. When I shopped for the kids, again I was justified, and when I bought things from the hardware store, everything was a "necessity" and when I came home I would plunk them on the table, announce that we needed it all AND that they were on sale too. My husband would raise an eyebrow and question me and I would spit justifications at him like a rabid badger. When I went into a clothing store for underwear, I would walk out not just with underwear but with bras, a few tops, maybe a skirt and what the hell... my old watch is ratty and 6 years old...so one hundred and ninety something dollars later on the credit card, I was walking out the door with a running tape in my head repeating over and over again that I deserve it and that we would find the money from somewhere.
And we did. It came from our bonus though, every year, we had a cycle of constant debt. I had a cycle of constant fogginess, unclear spending (do we have enough? the voice in my head said repeatedly) and guilt around money. In times of high credit card bills I would retreat emotionally from my husband and our spats would get more frequent. Life was less fun.
For a fleeting moment when I bought myself the new top, albeit twelve dollars, or the delicious goat cheese, I felt gleeful. It was a blip in the day though, it wasn't happiness. I knew money couldn't buy happiness logically and yet I thought that deserving something and giving it to myself would make me happy.
That's where the trap of the quick sand of debt got me. But I deserve it! I would scream and fight my way up and in fact, get myself further down....that thinking was causing my unhappiness.

Now my husband has long made good money, and consistently caused promotions and raises no matter what the economy. He provides. I just spend whatever he makes. If we have it I will spend it.
Up until this past year.

We got inspired and created Powerful Partnership. We committed to it like nobody's business and turned our financial patterns upside down. It took some hard looks, some getting over shame and some courage to grit my teeth and put the things back. It took excel spreadsheets and long talks about our goals. It took being ok with my husband's questions and being able to answer them. It took being more present to what we are creating than to the momentary desire of deserving something, to being "paid back". It took an investor's mentality for the future.

And we did it. We have weekly meetings, without fail, where we run the cash flow through a chart and can see where every penny is going. We acknowledge each other every week and the gratitude and partnership in our marriage expands our passion, our laughter and the safety our kids feel to be fully self expressed and loved.

Now, I am not a dummy, I always KNEW, I had the knowledge to budget. But knowing makes no difference. Over this past year I took a look at who I was BEING about money. That perspective, along with coaching and accountability, had us creating something new in who we are being as a couple and inside of that partnership I take responsibility and have immense fulfillment in who I am being around money.

Now, I take out the money and put it in white envelopes, labeled for each category. When I spend the money on meals I have planned out, I know we have the money. In fact I am delighted to know we have more than enough.We are not perfect, sometimes we splurge, but we are authentic and on the same page about it. We now have more money in savings than ever. We live in a home almost three times the size and are saving a thousand dollars a month. That doesn't MAKE me happy, I am clear nothing ELSE makes me happy, only I do. But it does have me sleep well at night, wake up with clarity, sigh with gratitude over lemonade while the kids play with toys we can afford... while we plan adventures in our future we can afford...and that feels like happiness to me.

Zen Honeycutt

To give credit where credit is due, ,the coaching I received on who I was being around money was from www.landmarkeducation.com

Rains of Change

It is raining for the first time in perhaps six months, in Southern California. The soft grey skies and pleasant rhythmic plopping of rain soothe my heartbeat, slow my pace.
I miss the rain, I think. It's happening here, now, I am in it and yet I miss it.
I miss the sudden warm Connecticut rain showers of summer...thrilling thunder storm outbursts, days of cold constant wetness in the early winter, when I curled up by the window with a book in bed and read by the soft glow of the clouded sun, the nourishing rains of the spring where green and yellow forsythia and purple crocus spring up from the rain drops.
Like two streams of rushing water after a sudden downfall, merging together, my thoughts about rain merged with my thoughts about how we can cut out housing cost in half and plan and save for extraordinary experiences, like traveling around the world and volunteering as a family....these two thoughts merged together and began to flow forward...
my husband could get a job there...we could have the dream life...

My childhood state beckons now, as the answer to many of my dreams for our family.
The spacious home with character and charm that is a fraction of the cost of the one we have now. Great schools and stellar colleges. Seasons, ponds, ocean and wilderness. The big green back yard that goes on forever, lined with leafy Maple and Sassafras trees, protected by a few tall stately evergreen. A tree house stands towards the back of the yard where our three boys play for hours, having adventures and telling stories. An organic garden in the sunny part of the yard grows fresh herbs, tomatoes, corn, broccoli, brussel sprouts, sugar snap peas and lettuce. Flowers like fuscia peony's,Day Lily's, Iris, and Queen Anne's Lace surround the yard, which I collect every few days and bring into nearly every room of the house. A garden shed or small barn houses the garden tools, maybe even a guinea hen coop or small goat house...so I can make fresh goat cheese and have fresh eggs for breakfast.

My sister lives 25 minutes away and we see her often, her dimpled smile, clay pots she makes, her art, her funny and smart husband composing music and their adorable two year old daughter Kaia growing and playing with her cousins. My mother, father and brother are within 45 min to 1 hour...nestled deep in the lush rolling hills of green green Connecticut. My brother and his amazing Bride-to-be are artists, she is in marketing and is getting a Masters degree in Human Evolution.... how phenomenal! How fascinating! We could talk for hours with them by the campfire, and barbecue by the glassy pond to the hum of peep frogs and Katydids.
I see it all...and I see our pristinely planned California lifestyle we have now. I see it differently now.

I love what we have, I love what we do. I love our friends and family here and am so grateful for them. I don't want to move. I don't want to pack, change schools, not have this lovely weather all year round. I don't want to miss my friends, our cousins creating a thrilling chaos at Christmas or Trader Joe's. I don't want to miss the beach and the perfect parks and pools. I used to think California life was better.
But something has shifted in the way I see things. Something has shifted in what matters to me. It's been ten years, living away from my family of origin. I yearn for them and the lifestyle of the state I grew up in.
It's amazing, one day I didn't really, and then the next day, I did.

I feel a physical deep pull, like the undercurrent of a river, flowing in that direction. It may be this year or five years from now, it may be, I shall say with commitment to my lifelong partner and what matters to him, it may be never. But this compelling magnetic vision is there. It IS possible. He could get a job there ( because he is awesome he can get a great job anywhere), we could have a different kind of adventure. CT or CA is not better, just different.

In the meantime...as we create our life together, I will create those things that I value here. I am committed that whatever we do is a joint choice, not just MY dreams, not to steam roll him into this direction ( I used to be so Right, things had to go My Way..I did a lot of exhausting convincing), but to listen to what matters to him, to create with him, to be as clear as the crystal stream water about our future direction and be supportive of him. I am committed to, not to make moves based on feelings, but on fulfilling my husbands dreams as well, a powerful partnership, that my husband's and my rivers of ideas merge and flow together powerfully in a unified direction.
I am excited that, no matter what, we will come to a place where we choose newly to live here or there. That together we talk, share, create, that we can do anything and live anywhere. THAT is exciting, no matter what we choose.

I can do that, and when it rains, you may see me standing in it, soaking it up, savoring it...


Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Being " Nice" Is not Empowering

I am speaking with a dear friend of mine about some feelings of frustration and resentment I have towards my nanny and assistant. I don't want to feel this way, I adore and appreciate her, but right now, GRRRRR. I want to get these feelings out...

What happened was I was trying to take a nap, she was at my home and checked on me...then later brought me food to give me energy and woke me up.
What I made that mean is that I "shouldn't be napping" in her eyes, she needs to take care of me, because I wasn't taking care of myself the way she thinks I should, and I can't do what I want in my own house!!!!

My friend asked me "What do you want to say to her?"
I said "You're awesome, but No Thanks."
She said, " That's NICE. What do you really want to say to her?"
I got it.
" Leave me the F*(^&* alone!!!! You are not my Mother or Nurse!!! When I need to nap I need to nap!!!"
I was really surprised by the ferocious energy behind the resentment.
My friend said " Being "Nice" is not empowering."
Whoa. That is a complete shift in perspective for me.
Aren't we supposed to be nice? Especially women...it so important to be nice!

I got suddenly though, that being nice...when something isn't working for me, leaves me resentful and not getting what I need and the other person completely in the dark, not able to give me what I need if they want to and not understanding any resentment they may sense from me. I saw that me trying to be nice and let her talk to me while I am resting or wake me up was just not working for us. It's also completely irresponsible of me in my communication!

Being straight with people is much more effective. And it empowers both of us.
Being authentic and creative was missing in that interaction.
I don't have to be rude and spit fire, but I can just say what I need. REALLY I can do that. The world won't cave in. She won't melt. I won't turn into a harpy.

I suddenly saw new actions I could take to create empowerment for both of us. A fun creative sign for the door when I am napping or want to be alone...
"HALT!! The Queen Rests. Thank you for your loyalty. YOU SHALL BE REWARDED" So in a few minutes I made one with a crown and hearts. This will empower my husband and kids as well, to respect the times when I need privacy. Yeah!! Multiple issues solved!

I take on being authentic and creative with my friend/nanny/assistant as well and we connect and create partnership. She tells me what works and doesn't work for her and I learn about how I can be of support to her too. I feel like a huge sigh is released from my body. I am straight with her and she gets me. And we get to create something new and empowering that is new for both of us. She will live with us part time and save money on expenses while supporting me part time with the kids and business. Our family still has alone time and she has friend, work and fun time.

In the old days, my father, who is 85, told us that his mother Cora and her sister Fanny lived in connecting houses and would lift up the toilet seat and holler down it in high pitched voices " CooooooorAAAAA!" " Yes Fannnnnnieeeeeee!" and that would be the sign that they needed each other. They had each other at nearly arms reach. Most woman go it alone now-a-days...no sister or aunt living next door.

My generous friend/nanny/assistant and I are creating that kind of partnership...but not by being "nice"...by being straight with what matters to us, what works and doesn't work for us and creating something new with responsible Communication....just minus the toilet.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com