Sunday, October 17, 2010

Rains of Change

It is raining for the first time in perhaps six months, in Southern California. The soft grey skies and pleasant rhythmic plopping of rain soothe my heartbeat, slow my pace.
I miss the rain, I think. It's happening here, now, I am in it and yet I miss it.
I miss the sudden warm Connecticut rain showers of summer...thrilling thunder storm outbursts, days of cold constant wetness in the early winter, when I curled up by the window with a book in bed and read by the soft glow of the clouded sun, the nourishing rains of the spring where green and yellow forsythia and purple crocus spring up from the rain drops.
Like two streams of rushing water after a sudden downfall, merging together, my thoughts about rain merged with my thoughts about how we can cut out housing cost in half and plan and save for extraordinary experiences, like traveling around the world and volunteering as a family....these two thoughts merged together and began to flow forward...
my husband could get a job there...we could have the dream life...

My childhood state beckons now, as the answer to many of my dreams for our family.
The spacious home with character and charm that is a fraction of the cost of the one we have now. Great schools and stellar colleges. Seasons, ponds, ocean and wilderness. The big green back yard that goes on forever, lined with leafy Maple and Sassafras trees, protected by a few tall stately evergreen. A tree house stands towards the back of the yard where our three boys play for hours, having adventures and telling stories. An organic garden in the sunny part of the yard grows fresh herbs, tomatoes, corn, broccoli, brussel sprouts, sugar snap peas and lettuce. Flowers like fuscia peony's,Day Lily's, Iris, and Queen Anne's Lace surround the yard, which I collect every few days and bring into nearly every room of the house. A garden shed or small barn houses the garden tools, maybe even a guinea hen coop or small goat I can make fresh goat cheese and have fresh eggs for breakfast.

My sister lives 25 minutes away and we see her often, her dimpled smile, clay pots she makes, her art, her funny and smart husband composing music and their adorable two year old daughter Kaia growing and playing with her cousins. My mother, father and brother are within 45 min to 1 hour...nestled deep in the lush rolling hills of green green Connecticut. My brother and his amazing Bride-to-be are artists, she is in marketing and is getting a Masters degree in Human Evolution.... how phenomenal! How fascinating! We could talk for hours with them by the campfire, and barbecue by the glassy pond to the hum of peep frogs and Katydids.
I see it all...and I see our pristinely planned California lifestyle we have now. I see it differently now.

I love what we have, I love what we do. I love our friends and family here and am so grateful for them. I don't want to move. I don't want to pack, change schools, not have this lovely weather all year round. I don't want to miss my friends, our cousins creating a thrilling chaos at Christmas or Trader Joe's. I don't want to miss the beach and the perfect parks and pools. I used to think California life was better.
But something has shifted in the way I see things. Something has shifted in what matters to me. It's been ten years, living away from my family of origin. I yearn for them and the lifestyle of the state I grew up in.
It's amazing, one day I didn't really, and then the next day, I did.

I feel a physical deep pull, like the undercurrent of a river, flowing in that direction. It may be this year or five years from now, it may be, I shall say with commitment to my lifelong partner and what matters to him, it may be never. But this compelling magnetic vision is there. It IS possible. He could get a job there ( because he is awesome he can get a great job anywhere), we could have a different kind of adventure. CT or CA is not better, just different.

In the we create our life together, I will create those things that I value here. I am committed that whatever we do is a joint choice, not just MY dreams, not to steam roll him into this direction ( I used to be so Right, things had to go My Way..I did a lot of exhausting convincing), but to listen to what matters to him, to create with him, to be as clear as the crystal stream water about our future direction and be supportive of him. I am committed to, not to make moves based on feelings, but on fulfilling my husbands dreams as well, a powerful partnership, that my husband's and my rivers of ideas merge and flow together powerfully in a unified direction.
I am excited that, no matter what, we will come to a place where we choose newly to live here or there. That together we talk, share, create, that we can do anything and live anywhere. THAT is exciting, no matter what we choose.

I can do that, and when it rains, you may see me standing in it, soaking it up, savoring it...

Zen Honeycutt

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