It's YOUR Life

As I lay you down for a nap…

You will never remember the first time we met
And I will not remember when we last say goodbye
In between, our memory is fleeting
Deleting, randomly
The moments we hold can be deciphered a million different ways
I choose to hold mine with you as sweetly
Completely, true.
True love, true innocence, true presence.
Blessed.
You will interpret our moments together as you do
You may blame me, shame me, yearn for me
Or disdain me.
I forgive you.
Because you are a perfect being of love and light
Of sweet delight
And whatever you say that moment was for you
Is what it was
Because
You say so.
I love you.
Your mother,
Zen

Rains of Change

It is raining for the first time in perhaps six months, in Southern California. The soft grey skies and pleasant rhythmic plopping of rain soothe my heartbeat, slow my pace.
I miss the rain, I think. It's happening here, now, I am in it and yet I miss it.
I miss the sudden warm Connecticut rain showers of summer...thrilling thunder storm outbursts, days of cold constant wetness in the early winter, when I curled up by the window with a book in bed and read by the soft glow of the clouded sun, the nourishing rains of the spring where green and yellow forsythia and purple crocus spring up from the rain drops.
Like two streams of rushing water after a sudden downfall, merging together, my thoughts about rain merged with my thoughts about how we can cut out housing cost in half and plan and save for extraordinary experiences, like traveling around the world and volunteering as a family....these two thoughts merged together and began to flow forward...
my husband could get a job there...we could have the dream life...

My childhood state beckons now, as the answer to many of my dreams for our family.
The spacious home with character and charm that is a fraction of the cost of the one we have now. Great schools and stellar colleges. Seasons, ponds, ocean and wilderness. The big green back yard that goes on forever, lined with leafy Maple and Sassafras trees, protected by a few tall stately evergreen. A tree house stands towards the back of the yard where our three boys play for hours, having adventures and telling stories. An organic garden in the sunny part of the yard grows fresh herbs, tomatoes, corn, broccoli, brussel sprouts, sugar snap peas and lettuce. Flowers like fuscia peony's,Day Lily's, Iris, and Queen Anne's Lace surround the yard, which I collect every few days and bring into nearly every room of the house. A garden shed or small barn houses the garden tools, maybe even a guinea hen coop or small goat house...so I can make fresh goat cheese and have fresh eggs for breakfast.

My sister lives 25 minutes away and we see her often, her dimpled smile, clay pots she makes, her art, her funny and smart husband composing music and their adorable two year old daughter Kaia growing and playing with her cousins. My mother, father and brother are within 45 min to 1 hour...nestled deep in the lush rolling hills of green green Connecticut. My brother and his amazing Bride-to-be are artists, she is in marketing and is getting a Masters degree in Human Evolution.... how phenomenal! How fascinating! We could talk for hours with them by the campfire, and barbecue by the glassy pond to the hum of peep frogs and Katydids.
I see it all...and I see our pristinely planned California lifestyle we have now. I see it differently now.

I love what we have, I love what we do. I love our friends and family here and am so grateful for them. I don't want to move. I don't want to pack, change schools, not have this lovely weather all year round. I don't want to miss my friends, our cousins creating a thrilling chaos at Christmas or Trader Joe's. I don't want to miss the beach and the perfect parks and pools. I used to think California life was better.
But something has shifted in the way I see things. Something has shifted in what matters to me. It's been ten years, living away from my family of origin. I yearn for them and the lifestyle of the state I grew up in.
It's amazing, one day I didn't really, and then the next day, I did.

I feel a physical deep pull, like the undercurrent of a river, flowing in that direction. It may be this year or five years from now, it may be, I shall say with commitment to my lifelong partner and what matters to him, it may be never. But this compelling magnetic vision is there. It IS possible. He could get a job there ( because he is awesome he can get a great job anywhere), we could have a different kind of adventure. CT or CA is not better, just different.

In the meantime...as we create our life together, I will create those things that I value here. I am committed that whatever we do is a joint choice, not just MY dreams, not to steam roll him into this direction ( I used to be so Right, things had to go My Way..I did a lot of exhausting convincing), but to listen to what matters to him, to create with him, to be as clear as the crystal stream water about our future direction and be supportive of him. I am committed to, not to make moves based on feelings, but on fulfilling my husbands dreams as well, a powerful partnership, that my husband's and my rivers of ideas merge and flow together powerfully in a unified direction.
I am excited that, no matter what, we will come to a place where we choose newly to live here or there. That together we talk, share, create, that we can do anything and live anywhere. THAT is exciting, no matter what we choose.

I can do that, and when it rains, you may see me standing in it, soaking it up, savoring it...


Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Thank you Thank you Thank you

Today is a day of Great Gratitude. In the core of my being, the warm center of my chest, in the silent soul of my soul...I am grateful.

Today is the day my third son, Bronson was born two years ago...in the warm water of a kiddie pool in our living room while our elder sons slept. My husband holding my hand, my Doula's and Midwife's inner strength and silence supporting every surge. After only 3 hours of labor...walking around barefoot under the stars and Jacaranda trees barefoot in our neighborhood...we three and the the flickering candles and Adrea Bocelli music greeted Bronson at 3:21 in the morning.
When he emerged, he was perfect, pink, and serene. He looked at me right in the eyes and held up his hand. I kissed his hand and when I expressed that I wished he would make a noise, he let out a soft, brief cry. He gave me the gift of his voice and peace, and there hasn't been a day since that I have not been present to the immense gift his life is.
So today is a day of Great Gratitude.

I create this morning with my dear friend that today I am being Present and Grateful.
And immediately I become present to the great gratitude in life...everywhere.
I call my father and he practically hollers "THANK YOU! I just got your card and I'll be doggoned if the quote on the card isn't one that I am practicing memorizing right now! "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us."- Ralph Waldo Emerson
He continues to express his gratitude for what I have written, which is a true expression of my feelings, and I feel complete with past conversations, full with gratitude for our communication, for his life and for the contribution he is to our family. This conversation is not something that was just going to happen anyway, it is a creation of gratitude.

Then I walk into the bank and the song being played is Natalie Merchant singing "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you" over and over again.

I hold my 5 year old's soft, warm hand as I pick him up from school and I nearly tear up being present to how grateful I am that I can be there, listen to him talk about his day and hear him thank me for being a good Mom...out of nowhere.

As I look into my toddler's eyes on his second birthday I am present to the many miracles that I can SEE now, from getting out of my "box" or "point of view" that I used to have that I am "not a good enough Mom to handle three" or " I am too temperamental to have three,you will have to haul me off to a Betty Ford clinic."
I am clear that by having this huge breakthrough of seeing myself newly, a good Mom, albeit perfectly human and imperfect...a Mom who does yell now and then, who does forget picture day, who does slack off on taking care of myself through showers and writing, and puts off laundry for days, who has rotten fruit smells in the house somewhere, and just does not want to make lunches most days...and THAT'S OK!

By seeing myself with some grace and humanity, by being present and grateful for my own human being-ness...I am able to not only give birth to a miracle of life, I am able to have a fun, harmonious ( most of the time) and miraculous adventure with my family.
The rest of Ralph Waldo Emerson's quotation is below:


"And when we bring what is within us out into the world, miracles happen."

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Kids, I give you Nothing.

I am sitting at a huge round dinner table with three of my classmates and their parents from the graduating class Parsons School of Design, 1996. We are up on the balcony, and can see below, the tables gathered around the runway, and the exciting top designers, like Tommy Hilfiger and Donna Karan that have come to support the up and coming fashion designers. We are not entirely sure why Fergie is there, but we are all in a buzz, seeing her red hair and smile amidst the sea of black cocktail dresses and tuxedos.

One at a time, they call the student winners of each mentor designer's group to the stage to accept their awards. I realize, with a sudden sadness, that all of us at the table, save one, is receiving an award. I feel awkward for a moment, sad for my friend. Then I realize she isn't sad at all. In fact, she looks genuinely happy for us. I go down to the stage, walk in tiny steps across the stage in my skin tight, electric blue, rubber dress, dizzy with joy of the moment. The "Gold Thimble Award" is a real gold thimble, the several hundred people before me are real important people in the industry. It all seems so very, very, important.
When I get back to the table, and my friend is smiling so lovingly at me, I remember that she is the only one out of all of us that actually already has a job in the fashion design industry. Several weeks before Banana Republic came to interview at our school and hired our friend Cathy on the spot. I know why, too. She is delightful. Her warm and joyous smile makes anyone feel happy and calm. She is genuine, honest, funny and always looks on the bright side.
She got the job, not just because she is a creative fashion designer, but because of who she was being.
That's what is important.

At a recent birthday party, as several Moms discussed the classes we are putting our kids into after school, french, swim, chinese, art, soccer, tennis, math tutoring etc...I was compelled to tell them this story. Because in the end, our kids will get their dream jobs,or become entrepreneurs, not because they are the smartest or most accomplished,or because of what they know, but because of who they are BEING.
We parents are the only ones who are going to actually take the time to teach them and guide them from that perspective. Teachers don't have time, with their classrooms of increasingly ballooning sizes of 36 or more, to actually coach kids on being responsible, being humorous, being a person of integrity and compassion. No, teachers, bless their hearts for what they take on, need to get to the next chapter and meet the standards set before them. If the child doesn't stop talking, or start answering, they get just consequences and move on.
We parents are the ones that need to take the time to talk with them about who they are being.

If a child has ten after school activities, when do they get a chance to just BE?
We are a culture that is so busy doing, doing, doing...sports, tutoring, games, practice, classes...what about the joy in watching them play with their stuffed animals in bed, or perform a dance or song? That's a dance or song they never would have made up had they been in soccer or Chinese school. That's a self expression that never would have been created had they been in tee ball. They are imagining, creating and developing who they choose to be...they need time, and nothing, to do that. In fact they need more of NOTHING and LESS of outside sources to create.
So kids, I happily give you Nothing today.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with after school activities. But Moms, there is nothing wrong if they are not in them either. In fact, it is just as important for them to have afternoons of NOTHING planned, including no TV or computer, so they can generate themselves. Bored? Good! Go create something! But, but...what about everyone else? Judy's kid is playing chess already, Martha's kid takes a language and three sports.
So? That's them, That's their life. My kids have their life. There is no race, there is no scarcity of time for them to learn. They will learn, they will do...I vote for them, and empower them, to just BE now.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Yellow Cars and Awesomeness

As I drive down the tree lined, perfectly manicured streets of southern California, occasionally a Jaguar, Smart Car or the odd Hummer will stand out. Sometimes a green VW bug car or even the screaming yellow Mustang down the street will grab my minds eye for a moment. I have an opinion about the loudly colored cars...fun! we should have more color!...and yet that tiny judgmental voice in my head wants to make it mean something about the owner...needs attention...wears overpowering cologne...nouveau riche...something...but in general the cars are just background noise to my day, things that jumble and blend with the rest like the clothes washer noise in the hallway. Eventually no matter what color, I don't notice them.

Then we created a game with my sons. Yellow cars are two points! Suddenly cars became exciting, yellow cars, thrilling. We're pointing, playing and shouting with glee.It's a great way to learn to count by two, add, and take the attention off their brother's elbow which is encroaching on their sacred seat space.

Suddenly yellow cars are everywhere...yellow taxis, buses, yellow Ferraris, VW bugs, vans and construction vehicles. I cannot NOT see yellow cars now. Even when the boys are not in the car my inner voice hollers "Yellow Car! Two points!" My sons are up to forty something points, I would be at 200 probably. My context for yellow cars has shifted and where things were mundane before are suddenly fun. Life can be like that with anything...its all our creation.

It was like that for me yesterday when I created with a dear friend (we consistently create what we are up to for the day, hold each other accountable, acknowledge each other...it's great)..so I create that something AWESOME is going to happen today. Who I am going to take on is being Miraculous peace and JOY!

Suddenly I am looking for awesomeness. I am looking for where I can cause something miraculous to happen. And I don't mean like make a miracle happen because I planned and strategized. I mean, I look for the miracles that are already there and actually take a moment to let them be miraculous, to really Get them...to give something up....like that I have to control everything...and when I give that up and just be with my family...the miracle of love and joy and laughter shows up....nothing I could have planned for. Something miraculous.

Awesomeness and miracles pop up everywhere...not at first but when I share with my sons, "Guys, guess what??? I have this feeling that something AWESOME is going to happen today!" Suddenly they are on the edge of their seats, I am too...and we are looking for awesomeness like the yellow cars.

I get a phone call and a gracious woman from the city refunds my account 100 dollars for a class that she really didn't have to refund me. Awesome! I love this city!

I work on an area of my business which has been unclear to me and I get clarity like an smack in the face. This could not be awesome..this is not the news I wanted....or it could be awesome, if I chose to see that once I am clear about where I am not accomplishing what I want to accomplish, then I can choose to do something new and create.Clarity and CHOICE. That is awesome.

My friend Sandi calls me to meet up and she is radiant, grateful and we have an awesome time chatting, she listens to me and totally empowers me in what I am up to. Her love and attention is miraculous too, because she is going through some circumstances in her life that could curl your hair...and she is being determined and clear about who she is for her family. She is unconditional love, strength and the embodiment of anything is possible. I would say that is pretty darn miraculous.

Lots of awesome things happen. My eldest son performs a dance show for us after dinner. For someone who has been careful about dancing, he is sweet,vulnerable and yet unstoppable. He gestures and moves thoughtfully, expressively and creatively and then he powerfully explains his dance moves, new names like the "Pancake Flip Flop and XRay Jump". Awesome!

Our middle son learns to swim "ON TOP of the water!" and beams with pride like a puppy who has just tackled and won his first round of puppy fights. Thrilling!

Our youngest, 21 mnth old, learns how to string the "Bye bye" with a person's name and sings "Bye Shaun, Bye Shaun" in the car ride home, victorious with his progress. Speech is miraculous!

And before bed my husband fixes the kitchen garbage disposal without being asked. Awesome! Miracle!

I go to bed grateful, fullfilled and present to how miraculous my life is. Like yellow cars are everywhere...a game we made up called life...and I have a million bazillion quadrillion points.

What miracles are there in your life? I would love to know.

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

P.S. This blog is dedicated to my friend Anisa who says I say Awesome too much :)I love you, you're Awesome.

Ready, Set .....GO Time!

It is 6:54 AM and I enter the kitchen, just about ready to leave to drive up to Santa Barbra to sell for my business, to find my husband sitting at the kitchen table at his laptop, in his pajamas. No shower, no shave, just sitting there clacking away...
GRRRRRRR!
When he asked the night before what the plan was, I told him we were leaving early in the morning for Santa Barbra. HE said "We should leave at 7:00."
I unwisely took that to mean that we would LEAVE at 7:00....obviously ...he meant he would stop writing at 7:00 and then start getting ready. I should expect departure time to be well, sometime after the shower, shave and a sundry of other habits...one which includes a maddeningly slow sauntering between the house and the car when he has to go back to retrieve something he left behind...maddening! Insanity!!! Meandering like we are in a museum just drifting along and admiring 17th century art!

By the time we are in the car leaving at 7:30 something, I am fuming like a steam power plant, totally stressed out about being in time and sputtering obscenities under my breath, trying to eat my breakfast all the while (which was the only reason I didn't kill him on the spot, he did make my breakfast to go before I came into the kitchen). I am getting a stomachache, completely distraught that our "day out together" is starting out like a big turd, and filled with anxiety about what happens if we don't get there on time and are turned away after the two and a half hour drive.
I am being a harpy....you know a stressed out human being of the female species. We tend to do that when we are stressed. It sounds like I am making myself wrong and my husband wrong doesn't it? Well, maybe I am, just to create the world of it.

Really though, when I reflect on it, WHAT IS THAT?
That which has us in a pattern of saying we are going to leave on time...we don't and then we are stressed out and angry at each other on the way to what is supposed to be a fun family outing, a precious date night or time to go see family. We don't want to be stressed but we are. What IS that? Why does that keep happening?

Now I know on a fundamental level it is all about integrity. If we don't do what we are committed to, than nothing that we are committed to will work. So we just didn't honor our word. That I get. I tend to however, end up in "make wrong" there...make myself wrong, make my husband wrong...

So I take another look...What Happened was we said we would leave at 7:00. What Happened was Todd just started to get ready at 7:00.
What I made it mean when he did not was that he doesn't care, we are going to miss out, it's the end of the world etc...so I got stressed.

With my PAX work I can also add the perspective of looking at this situation and just get the differences between a man and a woman.

Single focused man. Hears 7:00, moves at 7:00. That's all.

As a responsible woman it suddenly dawns on me that when we agree on a time, that time, as a man, might be the time that he is going to transition from doing what he is focused on to what I need from him.
He would be empowered by having time to transition.

So I am creating "Ready, Set GO time!"
First, get Ready....meaning a sweet reminder perhaps 5 minutes before it's time to transition, 6:25....like a runner who stretches, jogs for a bit and shakes to loosen up.
Then to get Set, 6:30 ( which I am sure he will do on his own, but if not, then again a sweet reminder)which is to actually get in place to make the transition, in this case to close up the lap top...like the runner who bends down, puts feet in place, in the position, ready to launch down the track.
Then to GO Time! Which is the time to actually get up and Go get ready!...running to the finish line.

Once we are both in action, getting ready, at that point, we can create newly, the departure time as a new point of focus, the finish line. 7:00 would be a sure thing then, we would both win!

Now I hear the voices, For crying out loud, just let the man be responsible and tell him what time and leave him alone, he'll do it. You are not his mother.

Ya ya, I get that. I'm not. I am however responsible for how things go. Everything, everything, everything, from my communication. I can't control him, but I can be someone who has things go the way we are committed to going and have him empowered. Say X and produce X...not Y.

Men are single focused, one thing at a time has them win. That doesn't mean they can't do more than one thing at a time, but they preform at optimal levels when they are the hunter tracking the deer and there is just that one thing to focus on.
If we create anytime to do anything, I can see now that creating a Ready Set Go Time! for getting READY would better empower him, then reminding him, like a cheerleader on the side lines( ie:not a harpy) that our goal time to leave is like the next destination, the finish line.
That's just what I see is missing, is honoring what he is committed to and then empowering him in taking on what's next, what I need from him.

Because I know he wants to do that, make me happy, be there on time, leave peacefully, and be appreciated for what we are doing together... we are both committed to that. And it would be sooooooo much more fun if we did that feeling empowered and excited!!!

So I am going to chuck the harpy out the window this weekend, and try this with Todd and my boys, and will post back later.
What do you think about Ready, Set, GO Time! ???

Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

P.S. Thanks to Donna who talked this out with me and really helped me to honor my husband.
Oh and by the Grace of God we did get to Santa Barbara on time, I let it go, and my husband was my hero that day... selling our products like hotcakes, being charming but cool to drunk girls at the wine fest, and moving the heavy boxes like a champ. I don't care what time it is, he can always do that for me.

Growing a Beard

My MOMS Club new President is starting a new section in our newsletter called "Kids Quips" She emails out a question to ask our kids and we submit their unimaginably funny answers to post in the newsletter to give us all a little comic relief while perusing this months MOMS club's happenings.
This month is "What does Daddy do at work?"
I laughed to myself, for I remember the exact moment when I asked my first son that.
He was 4 maybe, and answered thoughtfully, "He grows his beard."
It was so funny to me, his perspective. Well, of course! He goes to work clean shaven and comes home with a fuzzy face...he's growing his beard at work!

I am reminded of a recent coaching call for business development where we talked about our occurring worlds...Ben's world occurred to him like Daddy goes to work and comes home with almost a beard...that's exactly how it is for him. There's no arguing with him. That's what it looks like to him and he is probably, albeit being a 4 year old, not interested in much else. Adults are like that too.

I have my own occurring world of how my husband is for me, how my kids, my family, my company is for me. And that way, which I could tell you volumes about, is the way it is for me, and those ways would be completely different to the other people living in the same house...my husband is tall dark and handsome, he is highly intelligent and often obsessed with something, my kids just say "Daddy is fun and protects us."
Completely different, neither one wrong!
My occurrence of my company is that it is growing, but is consistently on the brink...I have an occurrence of "someday" with my business.
I can see clearly that with an occurrence of "someday", that today would not be the day. It would never be now. How limiting is that???
I wonder what does it look like to my kids that I do? To my husband?
Until I see my occuring world of my business, it's like a blindspot to me, I keep operating inside that. Once I see it, I can choose newly, and I do, I chose now.

ASKING is the key. When I asked Ben what he thinks his Daddy does at work, I got a charming glimpse into his world. I got to see for a moment, what he sees.

That also happened recently when my sister called me and asked me about why I did something five years ago and why I am reacting a different way now. Family drama, I am sure it doesn't happen with you right? But instead of getting defensive and getting back into a reoccurring argument, I got that she really wanted to know. She was asking. She was interested. I described how things occurred for me then, and how things occur for me now, in my world, detached from that occurrence being right. I don't claim that I'm right. It's just how it is for me, just my view.
She got that. And we got five years of misunderstanding cleared up. I got to really get how it was for her too, and get how generous she is, really, really, committed to our family and her family.I am ever grateful she asked.

I have been much more present to asking people...getting into their worlds since then. That's the key to getting the people around you. Be interested. Ask. It doesn't mean you will understand or agree with them, but you will see their world and see that their actions inside that world completely make sense. You GET them, and they feel gotten. You can see that if you were them, you would do and think and say exactly what they would do...really. Thats' a big one to try on, but I invite you to try it. Ask someone today, someone that you don't understand, agree with or just want to know...What do they think? Why do they do that? What is that like for them?


Zen Honeycutt
www.zenspurplegarden.com

Above is Ben's picture of Daddy..notice how Daddy looks differently to Ben...he actually becomes a different person in Ben's eyes than when I take pictures of him. He takes on being FUN Daddy! How people show up has something to do with how they occur to us...hmmm very interesting...how are people and situations showing up to you?